I found myself being really snippy to people around me — particularly to people I didn’t know. I was snapping at my Uber drivers, the checkout people at the drug store, the customer service person on the phone, and more. Because I knew this was bad behavior, I’d walk away feeling crappy about how I acted and I could hear the voice in my head lashing out at myself. Basically, I was self-flogging and it sounded like, “that was a crappy thing you did there, you’re a horrible human.”

Of course, I took this to my therapist and she said to me “Ritu, you choose how you treat others — even when you’re stressed.”

What a powerful a-ha moment this was for me because, well, it’s spot on! We often know when we’re being unpleasant and we can choose to alter our behavior. We can choose to not take our frustrations out on others. We can choose to communicate effectively with others. Even if we’re in a disagreement with someone, we have the power of choice in how to lead a difficult conversation or engage in conflict. In fact, how we speak to others can help build or wither relationships! And relationships are everything for life’s happiness. Whether it’s about how to find love, how to build trust, or how to communicate better at work, know that you choose how you treat people. And all of this impacts your ability to develop stronger relationships.

After having this a-ha moment, and reflecting on what my therapist told me, there are a few things that I now do when I find myself starting to get snappy with others. If you’ve found yourself in a similar situation when you’re stressed, you might also find this helpful.

Take a Pause

You’ll have heard me talk about the importance of taking more pauses in my blogs and videos. The simple act of deliberately slowing down by pausing before you say or do something can be so helpful in changing how you treat people. It allows you to stop for a quick moment to think about how you’re feeling, what you want to say, and how you want to say it — all before you actually share. Plus, it gives you a moment to focus on becoming more embodied which is so important. Essentially, by taking a pause in my interactions with others, I’m making better choices in how I treat others.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

I’ve also started to acknowledge and share that I am in a crappy mood. I will say to myself, “You’re on edge right now. You’re feeling frazzled and that’s because you’re stressed.” By being more honest and authentic with myself about what I’m feeling, I’m now better able to shift my energy to self-care practices that will help me to feel better. And these self-care practices ultimately bring me to a place where I can make better choices in how I treat others and myself.

Explore How You Want to Treat Others

The final practice I’ve started to use in moments when I’m feeling edgy and taking it out on others is reflecting on how I want the person to feel once I leave our interaction. Wow, what an eye-opening self-reflection exercise for changing how I treat others! Here are a few questions that I ask myself in moments of stress:

• How do I want to treat this person?
• How do I want to make this person feel?
• What can I do to make this exchange feel more respectful?

When I remind myself that I don’t want to make people feel crappy, I am very kind.

As I’m writing this blog, I have a bazillion things on my plate right now and, yup, I’m feeling cranky! But because of the practices I mentioned above, I’m being extra mindful about my interactions with others. And I feel good about this: knowing that I’m being kind in how I’m choosing to treat others. It’s about the interconnectedness of being.

The next time you’re feeling frazzled, what will you do to check in with yourself to ensure that you’re being more mindful in your interactions? What strategies will you use to alter how you choose to treat others?

The post We Choose How We Treat People appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

You get the picture! In these moments, if you’re like most people, you’ll likely start to feel the stress surge through your body, coupled with a deep sense of impatience. And once the impatience kicks in, it can take over and cause some pretty crappy behavior.

I know all about this! I can be very impatient at times, and it’s usually about silly, small things — like when I’m rushing from meeting to meeting and the person walking in front of me is slow or when I’m standing in line waiting for a food order. I’ve noticed that I can be particularly impatient when I’m traveling, especially when I’m tight for time. I can get really irritable and, although I hate to admit this, I might even be snippy sometimes to the service people I’m interacting with.

Argh, I know this isn’t great! And this is exactly why I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, why I’m working to change my behavior, and why I’m writing about it now.

We all know that being impatient doesn’t serve us or the people around us (especially if we’re being rude). In fact, being impatient only further exacerbates our stress levels, which feeds into harming our mental and physical health. When we’re calm, we make better choices. And you know that I’m all about making better choices in life!

So how do you work on being more patient so this can help bring your stress levels down? I’d like to share a few things I’ve learned.

Impatience is About Control 

First, it’s important to understand why you can sometimes be impatient, particularly in stressful situations. Impatience is often about control or, more specifically, about needing to be in control of situations and outcomes. In other words, impatience is a manifestation of frustration when you can’t control a situation. 

This mainly happens because you want to feel safe. It’s a natural tendency to try to control circumstances when you feel like you’re in danger, in order to rationalize your behavior, actions, and more. For example, I sometimes will micro-manage Uber drivers in an attempt to get to my destination more quickly, even though it’s my fault that I’m running late in the first place. But here’s a key life lesson I’m learning: we can’t govern every situation or outcome — it’s simply not possible!

Take a Pause 

You may have heard me talk about the power of the pause (and if you haven’t, check out this video on how taking a pause can transform the way you communicate!). Taking a moment to pause is one of the best things you can do for yourself when you’re feeling activated!  

Pausing will push you to slow down and bring yourself into the moment, which is critical for helping you to better track what you’re thinking. When you do this, you’ll be able to acknowledge that you’re annoyed at what’s happening around you and recognize that you’re being impatient — acknowledging this then helps you consciously change your behavior.

Tune Into Your Body 

When I feel waves of impatience and stress come over me, I do my best to tune into what my body is telling me. The body is a guidepost to how we’re reacting or feeling about a situation, especially if we are living in an embodied state. By living in an embodied state, we can better feel the sensations in our bodies which will help us to better settle and calm ourselves during feelings of impatience, stress and more.  

Whenever you hear the voice in your head start to rage because of impatience, you’ll want to immediately tune into where it’s physically showing up for you. Why? Because if you can calm your body, it’ll help you to calm your mind. 

For example, when I hear messages in my head saying, “Why is this taking so long?” I pay attention to what’s happening in my body. In those moments, I’ll often feel my shoulders tense up, my face gets hot, and I feel this heaviness on my chest. I will then either take deep breaths, sending energy to those regions of my body, or I’ll do some stretches right then and there to release the tension.  

Essentially, by tuning into what’s happening in your body, you can bring yourself into a more grounded state, and then have a more thoughtful response and reaction to a stressful situation.

Use Self-Coaching to Release the Stress You’re Feeling 

Self-coaching is an amazing strategy that you can use in moments when you need assurance or a pep-talk. You simply tell yourself the kind, compassionate, and reassuring things a beloved would share with you. For example, in moments of great impatience and stress, I will tell myself, “You’re safe. You’re not going to be late.” It can be extremely useful to plan these words of affirmation in advance so that they’ll be ready for you in stressful moments.  

The beauty of self-coaching is that you can do it anywhere and at any time and, with practice, it’s easy to improve at. It’s a great tool for building your confidence and overcoming your fears because it’s all about taking your power back! 

These stress management strategies can be really helpful when you’re feeling impatient! Not only will they help you feel less activated in stressful moments, but you’ll also be more conscious of being kinder to the people around you. 

So the next time you find yourself feeling stressed or impatient, what will you do to manage that moment? What will you do to tune into your body? What are the words you will use to coach yourself to better manage your moment of stress and be more patient? 

Remember that life is so much better when we feel less stressed and impatient. 

The post How to Be More Patient, Even When You’re Stressed appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

In that moment, I heard the voice in my head say something to the effect of, “I’m spent. And it’s because I’m an entrepreneur. This is so F’ing hard. Maybe I should give this up and go back to being an employee instead.”

Just as that thought ran through my mind, my self-coaching dialogue kicked in. I told the gremlin in my head to calm down because, clearly, quitting my business to go back to working for someone else wasn’t the solution to my problems. Instead, I said to myself, “Ritu, you are where you are based on the choices you have made in your life to date. If you don’t like this feeling of being overwhelmed, change your choices!” And that’s what I started to work on instead — better choices to help me manage my stress and live better — rather than quitting a business I love, and which I’ve now been running for 10 years!

Choices Matter

We all make choices in our lives every day, both knowingly and unknowingly. From simple decisions like what to eat for dinner and what to wear to work, to the heavier ones about who to be friends with and whether to change jobs, there’s a truth that we must all embrace: everyone has the power of choice. It’s a critical part of our self-development, and each and every one of the choices that you make shapes your experiences and brings you to where you are in your life.

One of the great things about having the power to choose is that if you don’t like the place you are in your life right now, you can change it! You’re in the driver’s seat, and you can actively and intentionally pursue different options for yourself. It’s part of your decision-making on how to be happy in life.

In the powerful book Man’s Search for Meaning, Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl observes that, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Even when life deals us a horrible hand, “Every human being has the freedom to change at any instant.” Essentially, we always retain the power of choice.

This critical life lesson is an important reminder that you have control of what you do next. Even in the deepest, darkest moments of your life, you can still choose how you look at those situations and how you respond.

As you’ve heard me say before, it’s not what life throws our way, it’s how you deal with those circumstances that matters. This is a critical self-development concept! For example, it’s easy to get caught up in the pain of a tough situation and overstay your welcome at a pity party. But instead of focusing on the negative, you can re-frame challenging experiences. You can choose to look at and react to difficult moments in a more positive way, allowing room for self-development, growth, and learning.

How to Make Better Choices

If you are unsure of what changes you need to make to arrive at better decisions, one thing you can do is to engage in self-reflection. Diving deep and tuning in to yourself will empower you not only to know yourself, but it will help you to discover what barriers are in your way to making the right decisions. Most importantly, it will allow you to recognize where you want to be.

To get started, ask yourself these questions. (These are the exact questions I asked myself that day on the platform (after my freak out!) and, as a result, I now have a practical decision-making routine that helps me manage my day-to-day stresses. Ultimately, it’s helping me to feel better and live better!)

First, identify an aspect of your life that you’re unhappy with right now. Ask yourself:

1. Why am I unhappy with this situation?
2. Where do I want to be instead?
3. What are some changes that I can make in how I’m behaving that will help me get closer to the place I’ve identified in #2?

And as an added bonus, answering these questions will help you to better connect with your Authentic Self! As I’ve mentioned in my book, it’s important to understand what authentic living looks like for you, so that you can make better decisions.

When you know who you are and the values you hold, you have a firm foundation from which to make decisions about how to handle life’s challenges. The choices you make are richer, more meaningful, and more rewarding. You feel like you’re being your best self.

This is the power and beauty of choice.

The post The Power of Choice — Why Our Choices Matter appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Since I published that post, I’ve had so many people reach out to me saying that: a) it was just what they needed to hear during this difficult time period we’re going through, and b) that they’d love more insight into the benefits of prioritizing their needs in order to be a better friend, parent, spouse, leader, and more.

Through reading your messages, it became clear to me that advocating for one’s own needs can be really hard for some. I get that! And at the same time, I can’t help but restate that it’s so important that you fill your own cup first so that you are even able to have something to offer to your beloveds.

To inspire and help you with this, here are three reasons why you want to focus on taking care of yourself first.

1. If you burn out, you won’t have the energy to enjoy activities you normally would.

   When you’re exhausted, your level of serotonin and other “happy hormones” decreases, meaning all the simple things you normally enjoy, like having drinks with friends or playing with your kiddies, are not only less enjoyable but can result in frustration, irritation, or even aggression. It takes time to replenish these happy hormones, and feeling tired is your body’s way of telling you that you need a break to top them up!

2. Your health depends on it!

   Our bodies and minds are connected. When you don’t carve out time for personal care, your body can go into stress or survival mode, meaning your cortisol level will rise, creating even more stress (a vicious cycle, really). To add to that, stress on your nervous system and lack of sleep can affect your immune system, meaning you’re more vulnerable to illness. Now more than ever, you must take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health!

3. Your negative energy can transfer onto others.

   Have you ever walked into a room where the air is tight, the mood is somber, and you feel uncomfortable? Recent research suggests that people feed off other people’s energy like sponges (it’s called emotional contagion). Chances are, if you’re stressed or in a bad mood, that mood is rubbing off on your loved ones. It’s important to recognize the subtle power we have in affecting someone else’s mood, and by prioritizing our own happiness, we’re likely to make others happy too.

As you can see, putting your own needs first allows you to be more energetic, prevent illness, and be happier and more available to the people you love, which in turn will allow you to perform better at your work and have more genuine, meaningful social interactions and connections — all of which are key to a happy life!

When you make time for your wants and needs, you are showing yourself the love and care your body and mind both require for you to be your most Authentic Self. The impact it will have on your life — and your loved ones — could surprise you.

The post The Importance of Putting Your Needs Before the Needs of Others Part 2 appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

After scrambling out of the office and making my way onto the streetcar, I took a deep breath and pulled out my phone. Just before I could chill out and get lost in my own world, I heard someone say, “Hi Ritu!” It was an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in years — someone I didn’t know very well at all — who was shuffling her way towards me in the crammed streetcar. I felt my stomach drop when I realized this would lead to the last thing I wanted in that moment: a conversation made up of polite social banter about work, life, and family. My body stiffened as I felt tears start to well up behind my eyes. I took a deep breath and pushed myself to hold it together in order to have a polite conversation with her.

She launched into updates on her life and chitchat that all felt so empty to me. All I wanted to do was interrupt her and tell her I didn’t have the energy to talk, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I smiled politely and nodded along until it was time for me to get off.

Weeks later, when I shared this story with my friend Debby, she asked me, “Why didn’t you just talk with her for a few minutes, thank her for the chat, and then tell her that you had to get back to responding to some messages before you got off the streetcar?” I didn’t even know how to answer that. It never occurred to me to speak up in order to keep some precious time for myself, no matter how much I needed and craved it.

Between work, social demands, and personal care, we’re often pulled in different directions, resulting in exhaustion. And now that many of us are working, socializing, and spending a lot of time at home, it can feel impossible to say no to requests for our time and attention from friends, family, and colleagues.

We know it’s important to carve out time for ourselves, but how do we put our own self-care needs before others’ demands for our time? And more importantly, how do we communicate this to them without coming across as rude or selfish (especially when they know that we have nowhere else to be)?

Looking back, I’ve had a lot of time to think about what Debby had asked me, and I’ve had a few realizations about why I didn’t tell this person that I didn’t want to make social banter any longer: it wasn’t just that I was worried about coming across as rude, it was largely due to fear — fear of not being liked, of offending her, and of being judged. I also felt this anxiety acutely because of the stigma in our society about being permanently attached to our electronic devices and not being present enough in the world to have one-on-one conversations.

But here’s the thing: living life authentically and engaging in any kind of meaningful interaction requires us to be fully present, which we can’t do well when we’re feeling burnt out. Sometimes we must do what is best for us and put our needs before someone else’s — even if it means being on our phones as a social release (which, by the way, was exactly what I needed to decompress from my long day).

Since this incident, I have been doing a better job of advocating for my needs. What I’ve learned through this process is that it’s not only important to understand what you need, but also how to express it. If you need a little help with finding the right words, I find scripting responses and practicing them in my head helps with knowing what to say at the right time. You don’t have to be abrupt; be polite, explain your situation, but keep it short — you don’t owe the other person an explanation every time!

And remember, for the time that you are there and engaging with this person, ensure that you’re present for the conversation so it’s meaningful and authentic, and you’ll both leave the exchange feeling good.

So the next time someone demands time you simply cannot afford to give, what will you say to them? How will you advocate for your self-care needs?

The post The Importance of Putting Your Needs Before the Needs of Others appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I’ve been very open about my personal experiences with stress, mental health challenges, and heartache, and in particular, some really bad breakups — including a particularly nasty one involving an ex-partner’s web of infidelity.

Looking back, it’s hard to believe that I made it through these horrible situations in one piece. But I’m a firm believer that it’s how we handle life’s challenges that really defines us, and so I look back on my own adversity with gratitude: I survived it all, and I’m still me.

The Power of Choice in Struggle

In Man’s Search for Meaning, Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Victor Frankl explains his view that, while terrible circumstances can bring out the worst in people, ultimately, “Man’s inner strength may raise him above his outward fate.”

Which way we go, he says, comes down to the choices we make when faced with adversity. No matter what life sends our way, says Frankl, we always retain our power of choice. We can decide how we are going to respond, and it’s in these decisions that our character is revealed.

Of his experiences at Auschwitz, Frankl says, “There were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self.”

In facing one of the worst situations imaginable, Frankl still saw how individuals could exercise their free will in incredibly meaningful ways.

We can all take a critical life lesson from Frankl’s observations: no matter our circumstances, we always have control over what we do next — even if that action is in the confines of our minds.

Staying Grounded During Adversity

One of the key things that determine how we respond during times of struggle is knowing who we are and understanding our purpose in life. When we have a strong sense of self and know who we are, we have a firm foundation from which to make decisions about how to handle life’s challenges. Knowing what our authentic self needs and desires, and having a strong grasp of our values, roots our decision-making in something meaningful and unchanging.

Similarly, when we understand our purpose in life, we know what we want to contribute to the world, which will inform every decision we make. Staying grounded in our purpose also helps us to find meaning in whatever situation we are presented with — good or bad.

Frankl says that when we tap into our inner strength, we can even find meaning in our suffering. This allows us to retain our personal power in even the bleakest of circumstances.

Reframing Challenging Situations through Mindfulness

As humans, it’s easy to get caught up in our pain (Dr. Rick Hanson says that our brains are wired to be “like Velcro” for negative experiences). For example, I’ve mentioned my struggle to let go of negative emotions following a tough breakup. Often we feel that what’s happening to us is an injustice, and we actively resist it. But in focusing on the negative, we are cutting off our own potential for growth and learning. Not only that, but railing against our circumstances saps us of our strength and distracts us from making decisions that are in line with our authentic selves.

Mindfulness offers a different path. Rather than dwelling on our suffering (which actually prolongs it and makes the experience worse) we can draw on our inner strength to have a healthier, more positive response to our situation. In using mindfulness, we still acknowledge the shittiness of what we’re going through, but instead of getting stuck in the experience, we can keep our attention on the bigger picture.

Mindfulness is so important when it comes to having a more positive response. In observing our thoughts and reactions non-judgmentally, we can identify where we’re leaning into our pain, and where we might be able to reframe our perspective more positively. We can ask ourselves, “How can I see this experience in a positive light?” Or at the very least, “What can I learn from this situation?”

Often the only way out of a painful circumstance is through it — and in cultivating our inner strength, we can find meaning on the other side.

We’re all facing challenges in our lives right now, but how we respond to those challenges tells the world so much about who we are. And if you’re really struggling, it’s ok. Think about how you can reframe your viewpoint and stay true to your inner self in how you respond to it.

You can get through this by staying connected to your authentic self.

The post Your Struggles Don’t Define You — But How You Deal with Them Does appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

What is Self-Care?

One of the areas that I get asked about most on social media is self-care. On an almost daily basis I get questions like, “what do you do to feel better given your busy life?” and “how do you engage in self-care?”

Self-care is the practice of taking an active role in nurturing your well-being and happiness, particularly during periods of stress. It is any activity that you deliberately do in order to take care of your mind, body, and soul. It’s an active choice that you cultivate for your long-term well-being.

Although this is a simple concept in theory, it’s easy to overlook or neglect self-care because you feel “too busy” to take care of yourself. But as you’ll have heard me mention before, it’s so important to prioritize self-care and to put your needs before the needs of others.

To me, the practice of personal self-care is part of your commitment to self-love. It’s one of the key things you can do to build loving relationships with both yourself and with others — and it’s also key for managing stress during a crisis! So if you’re one of those people who has thought a lot about self-care but haven’t actually done anything proactive about it, now is the time to start prioritizing looking after yourself!

There are a bunch of things that I do for my own self-care that are simple to integrate into how you live and work, even if your life is hectic. Juggling everything on your plate can feel challenging and exhausting, and that’s exactly why you must make a point of doing things to counteract your stress and to feel better overall.

Here are some of my favorite self-care practices that you can use on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis.

Daily Self-Care

• Simple meditation: I recommend starting with an easy practice. Set a timer when you wake up and meditate for anywhere between 1-3 minutes. Not sure what to meditate one? Don’t worry about it! Your meditation doesn’t have to be perfect, and one of the things that I’ve learned in practicing mindfulness is that it doesn’t need to be all or nothing — it just needs to be your best in that moment.

• Breathing: Intentional breathing is such a useful tool for managing stress and anxiety. Paying attention to your inhales and exhales can have such a calming effect on both your mind and body. Focus on your breathing throughout the day as a way to center yourself.

• Mindful eating: This isn’t just about clean eating (although that’s also important!). Mindful eating is about paying attention to the thoughts, sensations, and feelings you’re experiencing as you eat. This may sound weird to some, but it helps me, especially since I carry a lot of my stress in my stomach/GI tract.

• One small nice thing to make you feel better: Every day, I ensure that I do something that helps me to decompress. Some days it’s watching Netflix or taking an Epsom salt bath, while other days it’s about having a delish dinner. Whatever it is that makes you feel nice, do it!

Weekly Self-Care

• Exercise: One of my fave ways to release happy hormones! As you’ll have seen on my Instagram stories, I work out regularly with a trainer (shout out to Ali the Answer!). Even if I’m exhausted, I make sure I get exercise in at my gym, at home, or at the hotel gym if I’m traveling. Even if I’m not feeling up for it at first, I always feel better physically and mentally after breaking a sweat.

• Spending time with my biomat: If you haven’t heard of it before, a biomat is essentially a heating pad that produces negative ions that deliver energy to the cells of the body. I use my biomats (I have one at home and one at the office) to bring my body into more of a relaxed (parasympathetic) state. An added bonus is that you’ll feel toasty warm when you use it — like you’re being wrapped in a hug from a loved one.

• Socializing with my peeps: I’ve said it before, amazing relationships are key to living a happy life. Whether it’s dinner with friends, going out to dance it up, a phone call with my sister, or cuddling with my boo, I always carve out time for people in my life, who I call “my clouds”. Although this might seem like a tricky one during this period of physical distancing, you can still get some social time in with video calls, virtual house parties, or a good old phone call.

Monthly Self-Care

• Bodywork: I leverage all kinds of body workers to help keep my machine (aka my body!) running well. I will see either an acupuncturist, massage therapist, or osteopath at least once a month to help heal and refuel my body, but you can do bodywork at home by making use of massagers, foam rollers, and even items you have around the house (tennis balls, anyone?).

• Therapy: As part of my mental health journey, I’ve done psychotherapy for over 20 years now. It’s one of the greatest gifts I’ve given myself in my life and I can’t tell you how much it has helped me through difficult times! There are some great therapy apps you can try at home like Talkspace or BetterHelp.

Free Self-Care

In thinking about all that I do for my self-care, I recognize my privilege in being able to money towards many of these experiences. But here are some free or inexpensive things that you can do to care for yourself:

• Give yourself a home facial or mani/pedi

• Get bodywork from a training school. Many places offer discounted prices as a way for their students to practice

• Take a free online yoga or meditation program. (The Chopra Center offers many!)

• Google “self-care”! There are a wealth of free mental health resources available online

• Try my Empower Page worksheet on building a self-care practice that works for you

As you can see, I take self-care very seriously, and I’m a firm believer that it should be part of everyone’s life. My personal self-care regiment might seem exhaustive to you but remember that each of us needs to decide what works for us. Over time, you’ll find your rhythm in implementing a self-care practice that fuels your body, mind, and soul, rather than taking from it.

What do your self-care practices look like? After today, what will you do to carve out time for yourself?

The post Simple Ways to Practice Self-Care appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.