It’s easy to feel threatened, envious, or even resentful when we see other people succeed, because we want to be in their place — the one getting the praise or the promotion or winning the award. Others’ successes can cause us to feel inadequate or insecure with our own abilities, but this green-eyed monster needs to be squashed!

We need to recognize that celebrating the wins of others can actually inspire us and even help us to reach our own desired destinations faster. And in good news, there are ways to make this happen.

What’s Your Mindset?

Our feelings of inadequacy when it comes to the successes of others relates to having a limited view of success, tying back to what is often called a scarcity mentality. With a scarcity mentality, it’s common to think that there simply isn’t enough room for everyone to win — that there isn’t enough success to go around. This leads to the fear that we won’t get our shot, and so we don’t want to share the space of success in order to keep that coveted spot for ourselves. In addition, you may find that watching other people bask in their success reminds you of your shortcomings and the work you still have to do, which can hold you back from thriving in all aspects of your life.

The opposite of this scarcity mentality is the more positive abundance mindset, which is the belief that there is enough out there for everyone. By focusing on abundance in how you view success, you’ll see that there’s room for all of us to do well in life and that celebrating the wins of others will help you to leverage their success as motivation to drive your own accomplishments, which will allow you to thrive, develop, and grow as a person.

For example, when I first saw my fellow South Asian entrepreneur Rupi Kaur on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, I felt so energized because I could literally picture myself on that couch yucking it up with Jimmy. Seeing other brown girls shine not only makes me feel like I’m represented by winners out there — like I am part of their team, a team that I am so proud to belong to — but that if they can do it, I can do it too!

How To Make the Shift

So how can you shift your mindset from being a negative one of scarcity to a more positive one of abundance? Here are a few tips and strategies to make that happen:

• Replace your feelings of insecurity with mantras and affirmations about your worthiness and how can you succeed too – e.g. “I got this, I can do it,” and “I am worthy of greatness”. These thoughts are much more constructive and conducive to your own personal growth and development.

• Counter your feelings of jealousy by acknowledging that people have worked very hard to receive their accolades. In many instances, accomplished people (especially when those people are BIPOC, women, or from other historically oppressed communities) started out as underdogs. They might have not grown up with power or privilege, but they have shown the eff up and put in their best efforts in order to achieve their triumphs, which is something you can admire and work to emulate.

• Focus on doing healing work as a way to address your woundedness, which may be the cause of your feelings of insecurity or jealousy. Taking the time to do self-work will also help you to understand yourself better — including the core attributes that make you unique — so you can feel better about who you are and embrace the traits that make you shine!

By mindfully embracing a more positive attitude towards others, you’ll start to feel inspired by the success of others, which can elevate you and contribute significantly to your own ability to — and confidence that you will — succeed. (There is also extensive research suggesting that an optimistic, supportive outlook has a direct correlation to a healthy mind and body, if you need more convincing to embrace a positive mindset!)

So the next time you see someone win, don’t feed your self-doubt by tearing them down. Celebrate them! If they can do it, you can too. There is enough room in the universe for all of us to shine.

The post You Shine, I Shine appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

The Performing Self I created was all about appearing flawless — strong, confident, positive, and successful. In my attempt to be perceived as perfect, I changed how I dressed, how I spoke, how I behaved, who I associated with, the content I shared, the activities I engaged in, and more, conforming to an idea about perfection that wasn’t at all true to me. My conformity was exacerbated by my work life — I worked in an elite legal environment, where the bar was set high in every area and the criteria for “fitting in” was both narrow and fixed.

During these years, I did a mix of things to mask what I perceived to be my “imperfections”. I fixated on dressing impeccably to signal class privilege, attractiveness, and that I had my shit together. When getting to know people, I often hid behind a mask that covered up my insecurities about my abilities, my cultural background, and my socioeconomic roots. I also conformed in how I spoke so that I’d fit in with certain social groups (taking on a more formal tenor, dropping the pitch of my voice, and using fancier words — essentially, speaking the Queen’s English).

I didn’t want anyone to see my imperfections or my vulnerabilities. I desperately wanted to fit in, and I wanted to protect myself from the pain of being negatively judged by others. All the while, I felt deeply flawed, damaged, and effed up on the inside.

And let me tell you — it was exhausting.

Protecting My Wounds From Childhood

When I think about why I was so dedicated to upholding this image of perfection, I know it’s connected to the feelings of social alienation, rejection, and inferiority that I felt because of the childhood bullying I experienced and the parenting I received. A lot of research has been done about the numerous long-term impacts of childhood bullying. Bullying can have a profound adverse impact on mental health and other areas for those who experience it.

Being bullied because of who I was (Brown, smart, not as wealthy as the other kids), coupled with messages from my parents that I needed to be quieter, less outspoken, and less expressive (basically someone other than who I was), caused me to carry feelings of woundedness and worthlessness into adulthood.

It’s no wonder I wanted to protect myself from feeling more of this pain. But the truth is that, instead of protecting me, striving for perfection was actually causing more damage, because I wasn’t living my truth.

Nobody’s Perfect

I’ve come a long way in embracing my imperfections and allowing them to show by being my Authentic Self, but from time to time I’ll catch myself saying some version of, “I’m so fucked up,” and berating myself for my flaws. My boyfriend will often catch me when I’m self-flogging and remind me that I’m “amazing” just the way I am and that everyone is imperfect — and that it’s possible to be both imperfect and amazing.

A lot of us do this to ourselves. We believe we should be perfect, and we measure ourselves against an impossible standard. While believing this, we also worry that if we show others that we don’t live up to this standard, we’ll experience rejection and alienation. But every single one of us is imperfect — perfectly imperfect and imperfectly perfect. The greatest gift we can give ourselves is the acceptance of this fact.

Transformative Things Happen When We Accept Our Imperfections

When we accept our imperfections, our lives can transform in amazing ways. Firstly, we can practice self-compassion: that is, show ourselves the compassion we would show others, which has numerous mental, physical, and spiritual benefits. In her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Dr. Kristin Neff teaches that self-compassion flows from both being kind to ourselves and recognizing our common humanity — that each of us is imperfect and experiences suffering.

Secondly, when we accept our imperfections, we’re better able to practice authenticity. When we’re committed to living as our whole, true, authentic selves (the good, bad, and ugly), we’re free of the exhausting dance that is performing. And when we’re tuned in to our authenticity, we know how to behave at any given moment because we’re anchored to our values. We no longer have to pour our energy into being, doing, and saying what we think others want us to. We’re free to be imperfect.

So what can you do to take a step towards living as your authentic, imperfect self? Start by tuning into the areas of your life where you might be performing (the Seven Behavioral Dimensions, as I call them) and start making small changes. Embrace the things that make you unique and different! Be smart or outspoken or wear bright colors if that’s what feels right for you.

There’s no right way to live. Nobody’s perfect!

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