In my book The Authenticity Principle, I explain the practice of “mindful listening” (which is like active listening but goes even deeper) and how it can make you a more effective and authentic leader. But mindful listening isn’t just for leaders. In any of our interactions with others — with family, lovers, friends, colleagues, bosses, customer service reps, you name it — mindful listening allows us to be more present, focused, and deliberate in our actions.

With mindful listening, you’re not only tuning in to your own needs and others’ needs — you’re also paying attention to everything that’s going on around you. This includes what the other person is saying, their body language, the energy they’re emitting, the feelings and body sensations you’re having, the thoughts in your head, and what’s happening in the environment around you. This requires a conscious shift from how most of us usually practice listening.

Ultimately, mindful listening helps us to form deeper, more authentic connections with people around us — improving our relationships overall and helping others to feel like they can be more authentic in our presence. Mindful listening will literally transform your relationships!

Different Types of Listening

Picture the following scenario: You’re out having dinner with a friend who seems to be repeating the same mistakes over and over again in her life. You feel like you’ve had the same conversation a million times before, and you’re frustrated. You’re thinking to yourself, “I can’t believe she’s doing this again. I would never do that. I would do XYZ instead. I’m going to tell her. But when will she stop talking?! Whatever. I’m going to interrupt her.”

This is an example of what I call “one-way listening” — anchoring to how we want to respond to the other person rather than taking in all of what they are communicating. It’s very self-focused, and it’s how most of us do our listening most of the time.

Another listening approach is what I call “two-way listening.” With this type of listening, you’re more focused on what the other person is saying. You’re paying attention to their words and body language, and you’re also tuned in to what you’re thinking and feeling.

In the above scenario with your friend, you’d say something to yourself like, “Hmm, she just said she agrees with me, but her body language makes me feel like she’s only saying it. I wonder if she’s saying it just to make me happy? It’s making me feel uncomfortable. Should I ask her what she really thinks? Maybe I shouldn’t. Or maybe I should? Hmm, I’m gonna leave it — we don’t have enough time to get into it.”

Some of us practice this type of listening some of the time. While it’s a better approach than one-way listening, it still doesn’t take in all of what the person is communicating, nor does it reflect how the environment around you could be impacting what’s being shared.

What Mindful Listening Looks Like

Mindful listening builds on how we usually listen (one-way or two-way listening) by using more of our senses and slowing down our thoughts to take in the situation in a more thoughtfully considered, non-judgmental way. With mindful listening, we fully absorb what’s taking place before deciding what to say or do.

In the scenario we’re considering, you would first reflect on what’s going on in the room. Is the restaurant crowded or noisy? Is the atmosphere uptight or relaxed? Is the waitstaff frequently nearby where they can overhear your conversation? How might these factors be impacting the way you and your friend are communicating?

You’d also consider how you’re feeling and how this is impacting your own communication. Are you at the end of a rough workday? Are you on edge from a fight you just had with your partner? Are you anticipating a difficult meeting the next morning? How are these feelings impacting your verbal and non-verbal communication?

Then, of course, you would fully consider how external and internal factors are impacting your friend and how she is communicating. You’d say to yourself something like this, “She seems to be off today — she’s speaking more quietly and slowly than usual and she’s hunched over in her chair. Hmm, I wonder if maybe she’s feeling really hurt by what’s going on in her life? In fact, now that I’m paying attention more, it seems that I’ve been speaking to her in kind of a preachy way when it comes to this issue, and not thinking about her emotions at all — probably because I’m stressed in my own life. It’s also really busy in here. Maybe when we’re in a more private place I’ll ask her about how she’s really feeling.”

Few of us take the time to practice this type of listening regularly, but doing so can have a profound effect on our interactions, how we connect with others, and how others connect with us.

How to Practice Mindful Listening

Here are a few strategies for listening mindfully:

• Pay attention to your breath.

  Ensure that you’re engaging in diaphragm breathing (for a description of how to do this take a look at my post on mindfulness). This technique will help you to relax both mentally and physically and allow you to better hear your thoughts, feel the sensations in your body, and be more aware of the environment you’re in.

• Tune in to how you’re feeling in the moment.

  What physical sensations are you feeling in your body and what do they mean? What thoughts are dancing in your head while the person is sharing? What’s happening in the environment that is impacting your experience? Is anything triggering you to perform? Do you feel forced to push down your Authentic Self out of fear?

• Tune in to the other person.

  Listen to their words (what are they saying?), pay attention to their body language (what non-verbal signals are they giving you?), and take notice of whether there’s a disconnect between what they’re saying and how they’re emoting or what their body language is communicating. Could anything you’re doing be triggering them to perform?

• Take in the environment with your senses.

  What’s happening in the room? Is anything happening that could be impacting how the person is sharing or how you’re receiving what the person is sharing? What might be happening that’s making it harder for you to be authentic or for the other person to be authentic?

• Take your time.

  Give the person you’re with the time and space to articulate what they want to say. Then give yourself time and space to do the same. You will offer a more genuine, authentic response to what they are expressing if you listen in this manner.

Next time you’re in a meeting, out with a friend, or even having an argument, try this listening technique and observe how it changes your experience. The difference might surprise you!

The post Want to Improve Your Relationships? Focus on Mindful Listening appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

In our society, conflict generally has a negative connotation. It’s common to think that the best way to have safe and secure relationships is to avoid all disagreements. Fewer disagreements means less fighting, equals happier relationships. Given this messaging, our bickering made me worry about the health and stability of my relationship.

As I always do, I spoke to my therapist about how I was feeling, and she told me that fighting isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Conflict is normal in any kind of relationship — it’s often the way we air our concerns, opinions, and grievances. In fact, research has shown that fighting may actually mean that we care and can be an indicator of increased intimacy, which enhances relationships.

It seems counter-intuitive, but arguments can, in fact, bring people closer together.

However, there is a big difference between a throw-down fight and a disagreement. In any conflict, miscommunications and mistakes do happen and feelings will get hurt. But there is a healthy way to argue that results in resolution, allowing you to feel closer to your partner, colleague, family member, or friend. What truly matters is not the number of arguments you have or even what they’re about — it’s how we fight that makes a difference.

So how do we deal with the tension in a healthy, constructive way? Here are three ways to manage relationship conflict the next time you find yourself in the middle of a fight.

Take a Pause

As I’ve mentioned before, when a conversation causes us stress, we typically react by wanting to jump in with the first words that come to mind (which are usually hurtful). We don’t give proper thought to what we are saying, how we are saying it, or the consequences that may follow. Taking a deliberate pause in the middle of a fight allows us to regroup, gather our thoughts, and check in with ourselves about what we really want to say and how we should say it.

(And if you’re worried that you’ve crossed a line, remember that you can always ask for a do over.)

Share Your Feelings

A lot of fights stem from our own insecurities, yet instead of sharing how we really feel, we often mask by being defensive or by showing anger, because it feels easier than showing shame or vulnerability. But it’s so important to speak our truths, not only to get to the root of the issue, but also because good relationships are about communication.

As my favorite love guru, Esther Perel, has said, when people fight, it’s really about the lack of “affection, respect, power… or some combination of [the] three.” We need the courage to share how we really feel. (If you need some tips on how to share your feelings, check out my other blog post here.)

Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes

The most important thing I’ve learned about fighting well is to acknowledge that the other person’s experiences are different from ours. We all have our own lens, and it’s easy to lose sight of that in the heat of the moment and assume what the other person is feeling or thinking (especially when they’re a loved one you know well).

By making a conscious effort to put yourself in their shoes, you might see where they are coming from. And when you do, chances are you’ll realize that they’re probably not the horrible person you painted in your mind, but that they’re coming from a good-hearted — but possibly wounded — place. By recognizing the other person’s interpretation of the situation, you might find that your own perspective changes, and suddenly you’re no longer fighting.

Conflict is bound to happen in any relationship where you care deeply about the other person. These are just a few ways you can deal with tension in a more constructive way that will make your relationships stronger.

The next time you face a fight, ask yourself these questions:

• How do I want to manage this situation?
• What are some questions I can ask myself and the other person?
• How will I frame what I say and how I say it?
• How will I mindfully listen to what they have to say?

The post How to Fight Better in Relationships appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I remember an experience I had many years ago when I first started dating my partner. In the middle of a discussion, he said something that instantly caused me to feel really insecure. I felt my chest tighten, my heart start to race, and my stomach swirl — the familiar sensations that I experience when I’m feeling rejected and that are connected to emotions from my past relationships and my experiences with racist childhood bullying. 

He instantly knew from my energy that I was upset and asked me what was wrong. It was a scary moment of deciding between three options:

1. Do I pretend that it’s nothing? (i.e. run away from my discomfort)
   
2. Do I get mad at him about something else instead because the truth is too hard to share? (i.e. deflect my discomfort onto him/push him away)
   
3. Do I tell him the truth, that I’m feeling rejected by what he said? (i.e. authentically share my feelings)

In that vulnerable moment, I knew I needed to tell him the truth and share the real reason I was upset. Even though I’d been living in accordance with what I call the “I Don’t Give an F Plan” —  meaning I’d committed to being authentic without worrying about how I might be judged or perceived — this was different. Because I care deeply about his thoughts and reactions, I owed it to him to share my feelings.

How Sharing Connects Us as Humans

You’ll have heard me mention before that sharing connects us as humans and opens the door to receiving the love, support, and guidance we need to heal and thrive. Sharing your feelings helps to nurture the authenticity, trust, and open communication that are so important for healthy relationships.

Sharing our true feelings is often frightening because we fear how we’ll be perceived and how others might respond to our vulnerability. The fear of being judged can cause tremendous stress in our bodies. It dysregulates our nervous system and results in the manifestation of unpleasant physical symptoms — think of those uncomfortable situations that cause your muscles to tense, your heart to race, your jaw to lock, your glands to sweat, and more. (Sound familiar?) These physiologically induced reactions occur when our body senses danger, activating our fight, flight, or freeze responses.

And while in one of these states, our brain can stop us from fully communicating everything we need or want to say.

But leaving a situation without openly sharing our feelings and speaking our truth — giving in to the “flight” part of fight, flight, freeze — doesn’t serve us. In fact, it can create additional emotional, mental, and physical stress, while potentially causing tension in a relationship that matters to you.

So what did I do in the situation from before with my partner?

I repeated a few mantras in my head — “I can do this!” and “I am safe!” — to help calm the sick feeling that was flowing through my body, and I told him that his words made me feel rejected. As I started to share my feelings and express my truth, the empathy I saw on his face melted away all the tension and negativity I had been holding. I could physically feel a weight lifting from my shoulders. 

My partner was so kind and loving in that moment because he knew I was speaking from a place of hurt. His response allowed me to calm the agitation in my body, but it also filled me with the reassurance I needed. It was a powerful learning moment for me about why it’s so important to share your feelings, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable.

Making the Choice to Share Vulnerably

I know it may feel scary as hell to share vulnerably, especially if you’re dealing with a toxic relationship, but the next time you feel tempted to bury your emotions, pause for a moment. Take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions:

What am I truly feeling in this moment?

• If you could speak your mind without consequences, what would you share about how you’re feeling? What would you say that would truly reflect your authentic self?

What is holding me back from sharing?

• What are you afraid of? What is holding you back from sharing what you’re feeling?

What is the worst thing that would happen if I shared?

• Will sharing hurt you? How long will those feelings last? (I note that if you’re afraid for your physical or psychological safety, then you may want to behave as your Adapted Self here.)

What would be the benefit of sharing how I truly feel?

• How will sharing serve you? How freeing will it feel?

Once you’ve had time to think about your answers, you’ll know whether it’s safe to share. Then all you have to do is find the strength to speak.

The beautiful thing here is that it will get easier and easier the more you do it. Leaning into our vulnerable moments and sharing our true, authentic feelings does not weaken us — it makes us stronger.

The post How to Share Your Feelings appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

So many of us, during periods of being single, have been on one of those dates — a date when the person you’re going out with dominates the conversation with stories about themself and doesn’t ask any questions about you, your interests, or your life. (Ugh, I seriously can’t tell you how much I hate this!!)

This type of experience can be especially pronounced for women (we do live in a society dominated by patriarchy, after all) — and with COVID moving our lives online, I’ve had so many girlfriends describe situations where their virtual dates don’t ask many questions during conversations on apps and only talk about themselves during video or phone calls.

While it might be tempting to blame this on the awkwardness of dating via Zoom (hello, delayed video and extended, uncomfortable silences!), these imbalances of conversation were happening long before online dating became the norm.

So in this video, I share a few concrete approaches you can take when your date doesn’t ask questions as well as some tips on what you can do if you’re someone who has accidentally done this to someone you’ve been dating.

Watch now!

The post What to Do When Your Date Doesn’t Ask Questions appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

When this is how you approach conversations, you’re probably not listening to the other person very closely, and you may not be putting your best foot forward. Or worse — you might say something you’ll kick yourself for later, especially if you’re in a conflict (like in an argument) or under pressure (like in a job interview).

So what can you do to improve your communication skills in order to have more effective — and enjoyable — conversations?

You can start by making use of what I call the power of the pause.

The power of the pause — the act of slowing down and taking a deliberate pause before speaking — is simple. When it’s your turn to speak and you find your mind racing, take a moment to think before responding. You can even name it by saying, “I just want to pause for a moment and think about this.” Then take a few breaths and check in with yourself.

Taking a pause will help you to be more thoughtful in your words and to foster a better connection with the person you’re talking to. That’s the power of the pause.

Here are a few productive ways to check in with yourself during the pause that will help you communicate more effectively with others.

Consider Your Response

We all learn the hard way that you can’t unsay something you’ve said. I’ve certainly found myself blurting things out during conflict that I immediately regretted (hello, fights with my family!). But once you’ve let the words go, they float out of your reach and you can never get them back. When you invoke the pause, you’re more in control, even when you’re emotionally activated.

First reflect on what you’re responding to. You can ask yourself, “Is my immediate interpretation of this person’s words correct? Or is there more going on?” This is an aspect of mindful listening, where we consider the myriad factors that could be influencing a person’s words, including their emotions, their environment, and more.

Then you can reflect on what your gut is telling you to say. Is this something you want to say in the moment, save for later, or never say at all? What words might better serve you in the moment?

Focus on Being Authentic

In my book The Authenticity Principle, I introduce the concept of the Seven Behavioral Dimensions. The Seven Behavioral Dimensions, a range of areas where we can visibly and tangibly showcase our authenticity, are a practical way to check in with how authentic you’re being in any given moment — and three of these dimensions directly impact your conversations: the words we use when we speak, how we speak (our volume, tone of voice, and more), and the content we share.

Often, especially under stress, we’re triggered to perform, that is, to mask or hide how our authentic self wants to behave because we fear others’ judgments.

But when we take a pause, we have the power to catch ourselves in a moment of performing before we say something that doesn’t match our true selves. Then we can choose whether to be fully authentic or adaptive in what we say.

During your pause, consider whether what you’re about to say is in alignment with your Authentic Self. If how you speak or the content you share is one of your “must-do” areas for being authentic, this will be an especially important check-in for you.

Pay Attention to What Your Body is Saying

Our emotions greatly influence what’s happening in the body, and we can use these bodily sensations as a guidepost for how we’re feeling in any given moment.

When you pause, tune in to your body and ask yourself what it’s telling you about your emotions. Is your stomach in a knot? Are your shoulders up by your ears? Are you taking short, shallow breaths in your upper chest? Is your heart racing? These signs, and others, will tell when your body is in fight, flight, or freeze — if it is, you’re likely to be emotionally reactive to your situation.

Fortunately, when you catch yourself in this state using mindfulness, you can bring yourself back down to a grounded state and have a more thoughtfully considered response. Taking a few deep belly breaths is a good way to calm your body, gain control of your mind, and mindfully consider what to say.

Leverage Self-Coaching

Sometimes we know what we want to say back to someone, but we’re afraid to say it.

This can happen in many situations — for example, if you want to share your opinion at work, but suffer from self-limiting beliefs that cause you to self-censor. Or if you want to share your true feelings with your partner, but deep down you fear that you don’t deserve to have your needs met.

When you catch yourself in these moments, ask yourself what it is you’re afraid of. Then you can use your pause to self-coach in the form of positive affirmations. Tell yourself encouraging words like, “You can do this! You’ve worked here for two years, you have good ideas, and you’re worthy of sharing them.” Or “My feelings are valid, and I deserve to feel heard in this moment.”

If you plan your words of affirmation in advance, even better. They’ll be ready for you in difficult situations.

Practicing the Pause

Like all forms of mindfulness, the more often you practice the pause, the better you’ll get at using it to improve how you communicate with others. In turn, you’ll improve your confidence with communicating in any situation and boost how you feel about yourself.

So the next time you’re in a heated situation — whether it’s a job interview, a team meeting, an argument, or an emotionally charged conversation — use the power of the pause to guide you.

The post Want to Communicate Better in Your Relationships? Here’s a Must Do! appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

During those days, if you’d told me that one day I’d be a professional speaker, I would have said, “Get outta here!” But here we are now, decades later, and I’m blessed to speak on inclusion, leadership, authenticity, empowerment, and more for a living.

Getting to this place took a lot of hard work, and I was blessed enough to have great mentorship along the way. Through my experience (I’ve now presented over a thousand times to organizations around the world), I’ve developed specific practices that enable me to command attention onstage — and online, considering most of us are now public speaking/presenting virtually — and deliver my content as effectively as possible.

There are 4 specific tactics that I’ve learned along my journey that, if practiced, will help you become a better public speaker. Whether you’re presenting in a boardroom, classroom, conference room, theater, or on a video conferencing platform, paying attention to these elements will help you better connect with your audience, come across as polished and professional, and communicate your ideas in an engaging and effective way.

1. Body Positioning is Everything

Body positioning isn’t something I considered when I first started presenting, but I know now that it’s critical! This first became clear to me when I first did my yoga teacher training many years ago. We were taught, in the context of becoming skilled yoga teachers, how to move our energy throughout the room while teaching. Essentially, where you place your body in relation to the audience has a huge impact on how you are received.

There are a few key ways to ensure that your body positioning is optimal. For in-person presentations, the basic rules are to always stand (never sit) and avoid hiding behind a podium. Always make sure there isn’t anything physically placed between you and your audience. Next, think about proximity. You want to place yourself as close as possible to the audience. This means standing towards the front of the stage or walking as close to the front row of the audience as you can.

For my virtual presentations and webinars, I always sit (not stand), and I make sure to position myself in the frame like a headshot — centered on screen and without my head being cropped. You’ll also want to ensure that you have good lighting, either by setting up in a space that has good natural light or by using a ring light.

Finally, I’m what I call a “mover and shaker” when I present. This means that I move around a lot. I pace slowly across the stage or the front of the room throughout my live presentations and even on Zoom webinars I’m always gesturing with my hands. It may drive videographers crazy, but it’s effective for commanding attention and keeping the audience engaged — and it helps to move my energy through the room, just like the yogis advise.

2. Body Language is Important Too

Your body is a vessel for your message, so it’s important to take body language into account. For example, although I’m tall, I’m still petite, so I need to make an effort to ensure that my physical presence is felt in the room. To do this in person, and to ground myself onstage, I call on a favorite yoga pose (which also happens to be a power pose!), tadasana (mountain pose). This pose, which involves rooting through the feet, straightening the spine, and lifting through the crown of the head, also helps me to naturally deepen my breath and improve my posture, presence, and comfort in front of the crowd. (For more on how to use power poses for better presence, watch Amy Cuddy’s legendary TED Talk.)

And as I mentioned above, I’m also big on talking with my hands. Being animated in your gestures — with your fingers, hands, arms, legs, you name it — and facial expressions creates interest for the audience and can help emphasize content, especially if you’re presenting online. For example, I use non-verbal communication to emphasize words, highlight lists, draw attention to particular points, or add humor — especially when I’m telling a story. In all my years of speaking, I’ve rarely been told that I’m not engaging, and I credit this to my lively stage presence.

Watching a presentation is, in the end, a visual experience, so next time you present, think about how you can leverage power poses and non-verbal communication to improve your presence onstage or on screen.

3. Be Mindful of Your Voice

I’ve learned to play with the elements of my voice — including pitch, tone, volume, and speed — to add variety to my presentations, and I love doing this as a way to shake things up. When you skillfully vary these elements, it makes your presentation more engaging. This is a strategy that people rarely talk about, but it’s actually quite powerful.

Volume is fundamental. Vary your volume throughout your talk, but ensure that you’re loud enough to command attention and be heard. A good microphone is absolutely vital for video presentations, and breathing deeply will help with volume and with projecting, intonating well, and speaking smoothly. When you’re not breathing deeply, your words can sound slurred or muffled. As a fast talker myself, I know it can be hard to slow down your speech, but varying your pace is important to communicate effectively.

When it comes to the words you use, ensure that you vary your language to avoid sounding repetitive. Also, nerves or lack of practice can lead to using a lot of “filler” words like “um” and uh” when you speak, which is something to avoid. As with all voice-related strategies, you can train yourself on this over time. In other words, practice, practice, practice!

4. Use Notes Strategically

Even though I know my content inside out, I always bring notes with me. It can be distracting (and, frankly, look sloppy) to bring full-sized pages with you onstage, so I’ve developed a trick: I have my notes printed out on single-sided, half-page paper, and I leave them on a podium or table while on stage or on a note stand for virtual speaking events. Then I can glance at them if needed while I’m speaking.

Rather than printing out my whole talk, I type out my notes in bullet point form, capturing the flow of ideas, concepts, and sound bites I’ll be covering. Having this framework handy helps me to stay on track, especially when I am time limited.

One warning here: Don’t script your whole talk. If you memorize it word for word, it will sound mechanical when it comes time to deliver it for real. Rather, practice explaining your concepts and ideas a few times in natural language.

Go Forth and Practice!

Now that you know a few of the tricks, it’s time for the hard part — practice. I can’t emphasize the importance of it enough. Practice helps your ideas make their way into your unconscious brain, which in turn makes them easier to recall under pressure and stress. Ultimately, practice and experience are the ingredients that separate a good presentation from a great one. Now is as good a time as any to begin.

The post 4 Tips for Taking Your Public Speaking from Good to Great — Whether in Person or by Video appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, but sometimes when tensions are running high, we say mean/insensitive/inappropriate things and feelings can get hurt.

If you’ve ever said something when you’re activated, tired, or grumpy that you wish you could take back, there’s a simple concept that can help you. It’s called a “do over”, and it will help you in situations where you’ve put your foot in your mouth and you want to shift the energy of the conversation and signal to the other person that you care! (Shout out to Joshua!)

In this video, I share why doing a do over is so effective and how to use do overs in your everyday life.

Watch now!

The post Want to Do Better with Relationship Conflict? Try Doing a Do Over appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.