Purpose is everything! It’s what helps us find meaning in our lives when we’re struggling with personal challenges and what motivates us to keep going when the world feels overwhelming (like right now…).

I have personally struggled with knowing who I am, living authentically, and reconciling my cultural identities, and I’d be the first to tell you that finding your purpose isn’t always easy. But as I share in this #ShineWithRitu video, finding our purpose is critical for living our best life. I hope it inspires you to do the same!

Watch now!

The post Finding Your Purpose in Life is so Important appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I hate wearing blazers.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love to express myself by wearing bright colors and patterns, chunky jewelry, sky-high heels, and more. There’s something about blazers that reminds me so much of the corporate world I left behind in order to become a professional inclusion speaker, which is why I can’t stand wearing them. Blazers don’t make me 100% feel like my Authentic Self.

But you might be thinking, “Wait a minute Ritu, I’ve definitely seen you in a blazer before” — and you’re totally right because I still wear them for work things. I’m good to throw on a bright colored blazer for the corporate environment — it’s easy for me to do and, because it’s a red or electric green, this adaptation helps me to still feel authentic.

What I’ve just shared is a prime example of my Three Selves framework at play. By understanding the significance of embracing my Authentic Self (I hate wearing blazers and don’t want to do this ever), the critical importance of kicking out of my Performing Self (I feel pressure to conform — to wear a typical navy or grey boring corporate blazer), and the effectiveness of choosing to behave as my Adapted Self (in certain situations, I’ll choose to wear a blazer, but it’ll be brightly colored), I’m not only in tune with my needs and desires, but I feel authentic, confident, and empowered.

And you can do this too by learning how to decide when to be authentic versus being adaptive!

But it can often be difficult to decide which self to show up as — your Authentic Self or your Adapted Self. You’ll find yourself in situations where you won’t be able to be your true, 100% Authentic Self may (it happens!), but you may not be sure about whether you should adapt instead because isn’t that conforming?

So the question is: how do I know when to be my Authentic Self versus my Adapted Self? In other words — how do I know when to wear a bright, colorful blazer and how do I know when to ditch the blazer altogether?

In this video, I share a tool that will help you tune into your Three Selves and help you decide whether to be authentic or adaptive in any situation. I’m sure you’ll find that it’ll transform your life!

Watch now!

The post How Do I Know When to Be Authentic and When to Adapt? appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Imagine this scenario:

You’re at the office and your colleagues are yukking it up about the big sports game that everyone but you seems to have watched the night before. You didn’t watch it because (a) you’re not a sports fan and (b) you had a big cultural celebration with your family. Because you’ve never talked about your culture or how much you hate sports with your work colleagues before, but you also don’t want to feel like the odd one (which you already do!), you smile and nod vigorously, and pretend to know what happened at the game. But you feel like crap as you do this.

Or how about this:

You’re getting ready for an interview for your dream job. You’ve been wearing your hair naturally for the past few weeks and loving it. You briefly consider keeping it that way for the interview, but you worry it might not be “professional” enough and that you won’t be taken seriously. In the end you decide to straighten your hair for the interview in the hopes it’ll help you land the job. You feel frustrated that you have to this, but you do it anyway.

If you can relate to either one of these scenarios, you’re showing up as what I call your Performing Self. By “performing” I mean that life is a stage and you’re an actor on the stage, putting out a curated image of yourself. To put it simply, performing means that you’re changing who you are and masking your Authentic Self to gain social acceptance even though you don’t want to do this — and it feels awful to do!

I know firsthand how difficult it can be to perform all day long, day after day (as I laid out in my book, The Authenticity Principle). I struggled with being authentic for years because I was deflecting bias by putting out a curated image of myself and performing. It can feel disempowering and exhausting to constantly change how you dress, behave, speak, and more in order to “fit in”, or to shield against judgment or bias. So what can you do?

In this video, I share exactly how to push out of your Performing Self so that you can live your best, authentic life.

Watch now!

The post What is Your Performing Self? appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

If you knew no one would judge you, how would you dress? If there were no negative consequences, how would you behave? Who would you be if you knew you wouldn’t experience shame or rejection?

Would you get that tattoo you’ve always wanted to get?

Would you share your sexual orientation more openly?

Would you explore a new faith?

Would you pursue your dream career?

This person — the person you would be if there were no negative consequences or judgments for your actions — is your Authentic Self.

We’ve all heard about the importance of authenticity, and if you’ve been following me for a while you’ll have heard me talk about how empowering it is to live as your truest, most Authentic Self.

But I’d also be the first to tell you that it can be so hard to be authentic when we’re surrounded by the pressure to conform. I’m sure you’ve felt this before — feeling like you have to mask who you really are in order to “fit in”. I know I have.

So what does it take to be your Authentic Self? In this video, I share an introduction to what your Authentic Self really is and how to connect with this part of yourself. (I also have loads of other authenticity tools which you can check out here.

Uncovering your Authentic Self requires a lot of hard work, and it doesn’t happen overnight. But believe me when I say it’s worth it!

Watch now!

The post What Does It Mean to be Your Authentic Self? appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

To say that the last two years have been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. With the racial injustice crisis, the global pandemic, and for me personally, my Mama’s journey with Alzheimer’s — I’ve been crying a LOT. I cry when I’m sad, happy, frustrated, angry — you name it.

But even though I’m a big advocate for crying, I know that there’s still massive stigma attached to doing so, which is so problematic! It takes an incredible amount of courage to be open and authentic with how you’re feeling and share this with others.

In this video, I talk about why there continues to be stigma about crying (hint hint: sexism and racism have a lot to do with it!), why crying is actually good for you, and how I embrace this important release of emotions.

Watch now!

The post Stigma About Crying is Rooted in Sexism & Racism — Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Feel Bad About Crying appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Many of us feel caught between the mixed messaging of “be yourself” in one breath and “change who you are” in the next breath. I struggled with this myself for years, and overcoming this challenge is what ultimately led me to write my book. While writing it, I developed a practical model called The Three Selves, that will help you to both navigate mixed messaging and to live more authentically even when it’s hard.

It’s an awesome tool to leverage, and I’m excited to tell you more about it!

Magic Happens When You Use The Three Selves

The Three Selves is a continuum that provides a more nuanced way of understanding authentic behavior. It shows that, rather than being either “authentic” or “inauthentic,” each of us possesses the following three selves: the Authentic Self, the Adapted Self, and the Performing Self.

Your Authentic Self

The Authentic Self is an expression of your core values, beliefs, needs, desires, thoughts, emotions, and traits — and how you would behave if you didn’t fear the consequences of your behavior. This is the truest reflection of who you are and, given this, being your Authentic Self feels amazing.

Think back to a time when you felt like you could really be yourself. Liberating, right? I feel like this when I’m having a deeply meaningful conversation with someone who I know isn’t judging me for what I’m sharing. When I’m putting the truth of who I am out into the world this way, I feel weightless.

Your Performing Self

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the Performing Self. This is who you are when you feel like you don’t have a choice but to conform or mask aspects of your true self. It’s the carefully constructed persona that you project to protect against what you fear will happen by being yourself.

I’m sure each one of us can think of a time when we’ve felt pushed to perform. This might mean changing the way you speak — for example, toning down your accent so that you’ll be taken more seriously. Or it could mean straightening your hair because you’ve been told your natural hair looks unprofessional. Or it could mean hiding your sexual orientation or desires from others — maybe even your own romantic partners — because you fear judgment. In any case, when you’re performing, it feels awful.

Your Adapted Self

Between these two ways of being lies the Adapted Self. This is the self that most of us have never contemplated, but that has the power to change our lives, and our perceptions of ourselves.

The Adapted Self is who you are when you make a choice to change an aspect of your behavior, in order to meet your own needs or others’ needs. When you adapt, you’re not driven by fear — you’re driven by an authentic desire to change your behavior. Because you’re making a choice willingly, it feels good to do.

Adapting can mean softening how you speak to a frustrating colleague because you don’t want to upset them. It can mean supporting your spouse in a hobby that bores you to tears because you know it’s meaningful to them. Or it can mean staying in a job you don’t love, but that pays well and has regular hours because you need stability to support your family. The Adapted Self still contains aspects of the Authentic Self, and because of this, it’s an empowering place to be.

Using the Three Selves to Live More Authentically

Recognizing who your Authentic Self is, where you struggle with Performing, and where you might be able to call on your Adapted Self, can have a great impact on your happiness. It can help you understand the choices you’re making, and guide you in making decisions that will better serve you.

Essentially, using The Three Selves will help you to live better. And you deserve that.

The post Want to Live More Authentically? You Must Use This Transformative Tool! appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that I’m a huge advocate for living authentically. But I didn’t always feel like the empowered, fiercely authentic person I am now!

Before authenticity transformed the way I live, I often felt like I was performing — like an actor on a stage — in so many areas of my life, including my relationships, my work, how I spoke, what I talked about, and even how I dressed. I knew that I wasn’t living authentically but I didn’t know how to reveal my Authentic Self!

All of the decisions we make to reveal our authenticity — or to perform — are directly connected to what I call the Seven Behavioral Dimensions, a range of areas in which we make both conscious and unconscious decisions on how we behave. From how we choose to wear our hair to what we share on social media to the words we choose to use when we express ourselves, all of our behaviors fall into these seven dimensions.

It can be difficult to know where to start in your authenticity journey — especially if you’ve been your Performing Self for a long time — but by reflecting on each of the Seven Behavioral Dimensions and which behavioral dimensions are the most important for you when it comes to authenticity, you’ll begin to have a better understanding of your Authentic Self.

In this video, I explain what the Seven Behavioral Dimensions are and how exploring them can help you become your best, most authentic self.

Watch now!

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After almost two years of lockdowns during the global pandemic, things are finally starting to open up a bit in some parts of the world. For me, this has meant getting to see many of my friends and beloveds in person again!

It can feel so good and exciting to make plans with your besties and hang out with people you really like again. But over the course of the pandemic, you may have realized there are friends in your life that have very different value systems than you and this is causing conflict and discomfort — and ultimately you’re realizing that don’t want to maintain a relationship with them anymore.

But breaking up with friends isn’t a concept that many of us have faced before. Of course you understand how to end a romantic relationship — but what about a friendship? And if you do break up with your friends, will you end up living a life of loneliness?!

As I’m sure you already know, I’m deeply committed to the importance of living authentically as much as possible, but I’m especially about it right now. As the world starts opening up and we’re re-adjusting our lives, this is the perfect opportunity to re-evaluate how we’ve been living — and that means being true to our authentic selves, even if it means breaking up with some of our friends.

In this video, I talk about what you can do if you find yourself in the tricky predicament of wanting to end friendships and why this can be so important for living authentically. And as you’ll hear me share, you won’t live a lonely life — I promise!

Watch now!

The post Should I Break Up With My Friends? appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I remember an experience I had many years ago when I first started dating my partner. In the middle of a discussion, he said something that instantly caused me to feel really insecure. I felt my chest tighten, my heart start to race, and my stomach swirl — the familiar sensations that I experience when I’m feeling rejected and that are connected to emotions from my past relationships and my experiences with racist childhood bullying. 

He instantly knew from my energy that I was upset and asked me what was wrong. It was a scary moment of deciding between three options:

1. Do I pretend that it’s nothing? (i.e. run away from my discomfort)
   
2. Do I get mad at him about something else instead because the truth is too hard to share? (i.e. deflect my discomfort onto him/push him away)
   
3. Do I tell him the truth, that I’m feeling rejected by what he said? (i.e. authentically share my feelings)

In that vulnerable moment, I knew I needed to tell him the truth and share the real reason I was upset. Even though I’d been living in accordance with what I call the “I Don’t Give an F Plan” —  meaning I’d committed to being authentic without worrying about how I might be judged or perceived — this was different. Because I care deeply about his thoughts and reactions, I owed it to him to share my feelings.

How Sharing Connects Us as Humans

You’ll have heard me mention before that sharing connects us as humans and opens the door to receiving the love, support, and guidance we need to heal and thrive. Sharing your feelings helps to nurture the authenticity, trust, and open communication that are so important for healthy relationships.

Sharing our true feelings is often frightening because we fear how we’ll be perceived and how others might respond to our vulnerability. The fear of being judged can cause tremendous stress in our bodies. It dysregulates our nervous system and results in the manifestation of unpleasant physical symptoms — think of those uncomfortable situations that cause your muscles to tense, your heart to race, your jaw to lock, your glands to sweat, and more. (Sound familiar?) These physiologically induced reactions occur when our body senses danger, activating our fight, flight, or freeze responses.

And while in one of these states, our brain can stop us from fully communicating everything we need or want to say.

But leaving a situation without openly sharing our feelings and speaking our truth — giving in to the “flight” part of fight, flight, freeze — doesn’t serve us. In fact, it can create additional emotional, mental, and physical stress, while potentially causing tension in a relationship that matters to you.

So what did I do in the situation from before with my partner?

I repeated a few mantras in my head — “I can do this!” and “I am safe!” — to help calm the sick feeling that was flowing through my body, and I told him that his words made me feel rejected. As I started to share my feelings and express my truth, the empathy I saw on his face melted away all the tension and negativity I had been holding. I could physically feel a weight lifting from my shoulders. 

My partner was so kind and loving in that moment because he knew I was speaking from a place of hurt. His response allowed me to calm the agitation in my body, but it also filled me with the reassurance I needed. It was a powerful learning moment for me about why it’s so important to share your feelings, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable.

Making the Choice to Share Vulnerably

I know it may feel scary as hell to share vulnerably, especially if you’re dealing with a toxic relationship, but the next time you feel tempted to bury your emotions, pause for a moment. Take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions:

What am I truly feeling in this moment?

• If you could speak your mind without consequences, what would you share about how you’re feeling? What would you say that would truly reflect your authentic self?

What is holding me back from sharing?

• What are you afraid of? What is holding you back from sharing what you’re feeling?

What is the worst thing that would happen if I shared?

• Will sharing hurt you? How long will those feelings last? (I note that if you’re afraid for your physical or psychological safety, then you may want to behave as your Adapted Self here.)

What would be the benefit of sharing how I truly feel?

• How will sharing serve you? How freeing will it feel?

Once you’ve had time to think about your answers, you’ll know whether it’s safe to share. Then all you have to do is find the strength to speak.

The beautiful thing here is that it will get easier and easier the more you do it. Leaning into our vulnerable moments and sharing our true, authentic feelings does not weaken us — it makes us stronger.

The post How to Share Your Feelings appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

One aspect of my Authentic Self that I’ve truly embraced over the years — and especially during COVID — is that I cuss like a pirate. It helps me release stress, express how I’m feeling, and so much more.

Recently, I was leading a session with a client (as a professional webinar-er), and the topic of swearing popped up. In my true authentic fashion, I mentioned that I like to cuss like a pirate in many areas of my life. Upon saying this, one of the session attendees messaged me privately and said that using profanity would undermine my credibility. Sigh.

This reminded me of the negative meaning and judgment society attaches to swearing. We’re often told, especially as women, that cussing is rude, unnecessary, immature, and more — when in reality, it’s proven to be good for you as a way to release stress and tension!

In this video, I talk about the myriad reasons why swearing is actually good for you and why, if you cuss like a pirate like I do, you should say F that noise and embrace this part of yourself!

Watch now!

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