In my book The Authenticity Principle, I explain the practice of “mindful listening” (which is like active listening but goes even deeper) and how it can make you a more effective and authentic leader. But mindful listening isn’t just for leaders. In any of our interactions with others — with family, lovers, friends, colleagues, bosses, customer service reps, you name it — mindful listening allows us to be more present, focused, and deliberate in our actions.

With mindful listening, you’re not only tuning in to your own needs and others’ needs — you’re also paying attention to everything that’s going on around you. This includes what the other person is saying, their body language, the energy they’re emitting, the feelings and body sensations you’re having, the thoughts in your head, and what’s happening in the environment around you. This requires a conscious shift from how most of us usually practice listening.

Ultimately, mindful listening helps us to form deeper, more authentic connections with people around us — improving our relationships overall and helping others to feel like they can be more authentic in our presence. Mindful listening will literally transform your relationships!

Different Types of Listening

Picture the following scenario: You’re out having dinner with a friend who seems to be repeating the same mistakes over and over again in her life. You feel like you’ve had the same conversation a million times before, and you’re frustrated. You’re thinking to yourself, “I can’t believe she’s doing this again. I would never do that. I would do XYZ instead. I’m going to tell her. But when will she stop talking?! Whatever. I’m going to interrupt her.”

This is an example of what I call “one-way listening” — anchoring to how we want to respond to the other person rather than taking in all of what they are communicating. It’s very self-focused, and it’s how most of us do our listening most of the time.

Another listening approach is what I call “two-way listening.” With this type of listening, you’re more focused on what the other person is saying. You’re paying attention to their words and body language, and you’re also tuned in to what you’re thinking and feeling.

In the above scenario with your friend, you’d say something to yourself like, “Hmm, she just said she agrees with me, but her body language makes me feel like she’s only saying it. I wonder if she’s saying it just to make me happy? It’s making me feel uncomfortable. Should I ask her what she really thinks? Maybe I shouldn’t. Or maybe I should? Hmm, I’m gonna leave it — we don’t have enough time to get into it.”

Some of us practice this type of listening some of the time. While it’s a better approach than one-way listening, it still doesn’t take in all of what the person is communicating, nor does it reflect how the environment around you could be impacting what’s being shared.

What Mindful Listening Looks Like

Mindful listening builds on how we usually listen (one-way or two-way listening) by using more of our senses and slowing down our thoughts to take in the situation in a more thoughtfully considered, non-judgmental way. With mindful listening, we fully absorb what’s taking place before deciding what to say or do.

In the scenario we’re considering, you would first reflect on what’s going on in the room. Is the restaurant crowded or noisy? Is the atmosphere uptight or relaxed? Is the waitstaff frequently nearby where they can overhear your conversation? How might these factors be impacting the way you and your friend are communicating?

You’d also consider how you’re feeling and how this is impacting your own communication. Are you at the end of a rough workday? Are you on edge from a fight you just had with your partner? Are you anticipating a difficult meeting the next morning? How are these feelings impacting your verbal and non-verbal communication?

Then, of course, you would fully consider how external and internal factors are impacting your friend and how she is communicating. You’d say to yourself something like this, “She seems to be off today — she’s speaking more quietly and slowly than usual and she’s hunched over in her chair. Hmm, I wonder if maybe she’s feeling really hurt by what’s going on in her life? In fact, now that I’m paying attention more, it seems that I’ve been speaking to her in kind of a preachy way when it comes to this issue, and not thinking about her emotions at all — probably because I’m stressed in my own life. It’s also really busy in here. Maybe when we’re in a more private place I’ll ask her about how she’s really feeling.”

Few of us take the time to practice this type of listening regularly, but doing so can have a profound effect on our interactions, how we connect with others, and how others connect with us.

How to Practice Mindful Listening

Here are a few strategies for listening mindfully:

• Pay attention to your breath.

  Ensure that you’re engaging in diaphragm breathing (for a description of how to do this take a look at my post on mindfulness). This technique will help you to relax both mentally and physically and allow you to better hear your thoughts, feel the sensations in your body, and be more aware of the environment you’re in.

• Tune in to how you’re feeling in the moment.

  What physical sensations are you feeling in your body and what do they mean? What thoughts are dancing in your head while the person is sharing? What’s happening in the environment that is impacting your experience? Is anything triggering you to perform? Do you feel forced to push down your Authentic Self out of fear?

• Tune in to the other person.

  Listen to their words (what are they saying?), pay attention to their body language (what non-verbal signals are they giving you?), and take notice of whether there’s a disconnect between what they’re saying and how they’re emoting or what their body language is communicating. Could anything you’re doing be triggering them to perform?

• Take in the environment with your senses.

  What’s happening in the room? Is anything happening that could be impacting how the person is sharing or how you’re receiving what the person is sharing? What might be happening that’s making it harder for you to be authentic or for the other person to be authentic?

• Take your time.

  Give the person you’re with the time and space to articulate what they want to say. Then give yourself time and space to do the same. You will offer a more genuine, authentic response to what they are expressing if you listen in this manner.

Next time you’re in a meeting, out with a friend, or even having an argument, try this listening technique and observe how it changes your experience. The difference might surprise you!

The post Want to Improve Your Relationships? Focus on Mindful Listening appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I was reminded of the sometimes-negative impact of choosing to live more authentically recently while on Instagram (as you may know, I love posting stories on IG! I follow Jas Kaur, a fab Punjabi fitness trainer from Australia, who has been talking very openly on IG about her journey to be more authentic. And, in doing so, she’s been receiving a range of negative backlash from her online community and from some people in her personal life. She’s also been very open about this negativity and how she’s overcoming it, which is so refreshing. I’m inspired by her authenticity!

As you can see, when you decide to start living more authentically, some may hate on your decision to better know, embrace and be who you are. Even though you’re making these behavioral shifts to live better and to be happier, some may have an adverse reaction to your life changes. The unfortunate part is that this may cause you to question your choice to be more of who you are. 

Why Do People Hate on Our Authenticity?

There are two main reasons why people may have a hard time when you start to be more authentic. 

First, when you start to reveal more of who you are in your interactions, it’ll be a wake-up call for others if they’re not already living this way. They will feel your increased vulnerability and openheartedness, and they’ll be reminded that they want to live more authentically. But, due to fear, they’re holding back. And so, instead of doing the hard work to be more of who they really are, they push down their own desires and your authenticity. Basically, they want you to stop living this way because you’re reminding them that they’re not choosing to make critical life changes.

On a related note, living more authentically will lead you to feel more liberated, to radiate more confidence, and be happier! And while that’s amazing for you, others may be threatened by your radiance and happiness, rather than feel joy for you.  Instead, their envy or resentment may cause them to want to judge you. Or, perhaps even worse, they hold the mistaken belief that by tearing you down, they’ll feel better about their lives and choices they’ve made. But, as I’ve said before, tearing others down will never bring you true happiness.

You Then Feel Racked With Self-Doubt

When you feel like you’re being judged, it’s natural to doubt your decision to take steps to live more authentically. The negative energy you feel may lead you to question whether your new way of life is right for you. You’ll hear the gremlin – the voice in your head that spews negative self-talk – tell you that the haters are right, that you shouldn’t be courageous and bold in putting yourself out there. 

Ultimately, you may even want to go back to your old ways of conforming and masking who you are, because it feels easier. Which is why this is the time to stand in your power!

Shut Out The Noise!

This is a perfect time to reflect on how conforming and masking your true self led you to be miserable, and why your new way of living is critical for your happiness. You want to remind yourself of why you’ve taken the courageous step to be more vulnerable and authentic. You want a more meaningful and fulfilling life, that is filled with personal growth and genuine human connections.  

You get to decide your happiness through the choices you make, and that this choice will serve you well at the end of the day. So, basically, shut out the noise!

The post How to Overcome Negative Backlash When Living Authentically appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

As someone who teaches equity, diversity, and inclusion for a living, I’m worried about the proliferation of biased behavior in the midst of the ongoing global pandemic.

Because many of us have been sheltering in place for several months — and we’ve been actively encouraged to avoid physical contact with others — the current COVID-19 environment has become the perfect breeding ground for fear, uncertainty, and suspicion of other people, which is exactly what can lead to a rise in bias.

In this video, I explain why in the current moment, with the threat of COVID-19 around us, we might see more people than ever before as a threat, leading to an increase in bias. But I also share how we can overcome our unconscious fears to fight bias during this moment.

Watch now!

The post Alarming but True — Biased Behavior Will Increase Because of COVID-19 appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

One of the most powerful mindfulness lessons I learned during my time at the ashram was this too shall pass. Of course, I’d heard this popular phrase before, but in the context of mindfulness, it took on a new meaning. And now, as we navigate and adjust our lives during the current global health crisis, this phrase has taken on additional significance.

For me, the idea that this too shall pass is all about letting go of attachment to our experiences and living in the present moment — something many of us want to do, but which runs contrary to how most of us are taught to live.

Many of us go through life either living in the past or anticipating the future. We cling to moments of pleasure, hoping it will last forever, and we actively resist suffering, hoping it will end — but neither of these experiences serves us.

In fact, whether we have poured our attention into prolonging the experience of a short-lived pleasure, like getting a promotion, falling in love, or buying a fancy new house, or investing our energy into railing against negative experiences, like falling ill, losing money, or experiencing heartbreak, we allow these experiences to define who we are in some way. We fall into bad habits of thinking, “This is who I am,” or “This is my life,” or even, “I hate this,” or “I’m unlovable.”

In either scenario, we often develop a static picture of what’s happening to us and in doing so, we become stuck and forget that, inevitably, all experiences and emotions eventually pass.

Living in the Present and Anchoring to the Self

Mindfulness is about experiencing non-attachment from all moments — both the bad and the good — by observing what is happening in the present moment with non-judgmental awareness.

When we live mindfully, we are no longer at the mercy of what happens to us. We can have a range of experiences and emotions without getting hung up on them. We let all moments arise and dissipate, like clouds in a blue sky. We acknowledge and express gratitude for positive moments, and we acknowledge and express gratitude for negative moments.

Most importantly, with mindfulness we understand and experience all moments as ephemeral — knowing that this moment too shall pass.

Living mindfully allows us to remain consistently anchored to the self and to our values instead of to our experiences. This means that we can maintain perspective on our experiences of pleasure and of suffering. We still acknowledge and have a range of experiences and emotions, but we don’t anchor ourselves to them.

Instead, our inner selves become the steadfast core around which everything else moves. Picture a solid marble pillar at your core: the good moments and the bad moments swirl around the pillar, but the pillar never moves because it’s solid and unchanging. You may have moments of euphoria and moments of feeling like you can’t get out of bed, but these moments pass. And when they do, you’re still there — still strong and standing in your power.

So how do you find that steadfast core? If you want to feel anchored and connected to your true self, you’ll have to do some deep self-work to get there. You need to understand who you are, what your purpose is, what your values are, and what gives your life its meaning, all of which will help you to develop a strong connection to your inner self.

When we live anchored to ourselves instead of to our experiences, everything improves — our relationships, how we feel about ourselves, and the decisions we make. When we embrace mindfulness, we are better prepared for life’s ups and downs.

Ultimately, in letting go and knowing that this too shall pass, we can experience true freedom.

The post The Most Powerful Lesson I Learned at the Yoga Ashram appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

In my work, I explain that mindfulness is all about tuning into the present moment to gain awareness of what you’re thinking, feeling, and sensing, in a non-judgmental way. You don’t need Lululemons, candles, incense, sitar music, or challenging yoga positions to make it happen — and frankly, most of us just won’t do those things on a regular basis. Because of its simplicity, mindfulness is available to everyone, and there are many different ways that you can access its benefits from wherever you happen to be.

I’ve evolved in how I embed mindfulness practices into my life because of my hectic lifestyle. Ten years ago when I first started to really dig into mindfulness, I had a very structured, time-intensive sadhana (practice) which meant getting up an hour early a few times a week to meditate, do yoga, and more. Nowadays, given that I run a business that requires me to travel multiple times a week, I prioritize techniques that are simple, quick, and that I can take with me anywhere. Here are a few of my favorite ways to incorporate mindfulness into daily life.

Mindful Breathing

There is a ton of research telling us about the benefits of intentional breathing. Just paying attention to your inhales and exhales can have a calming effect, and learning how to “belly breathe” (diaphragmatic breathing, something I learned in my yoga teacher training — it’s such a gift!) is a powerful tool for managing stress and anxiety.

What I love about mindful breathing is that it’s free, can be practiced anytime and anywhere, and you’re already breathing, so you might as well do it the best way possible. It really is a “must do” — mindful breathing is clutch. It’s the one thing that I focus on as much as possible throughout the day in order to be mindful.

Try this simple exercise with your breath: take a slow, full inhale through your nose, pushing your belly out and filling your lungs to the bottom. On your exhale, pull your belly all the way in, causing the air right from the bottom of your lungs to be pushed up through your mid-chest to your upper chest, and then out.

Incorporating this simple breathing exercise into your day alone will help you to become more present!

Sitting

Sitting with good posture is critical because it impacts how you breathe. Essentially, the better you sit, the better you will be able to engage in deep breathing both consciously and unconsciously. Many of us spend most of our time sitting — whether we’re at work or on the couch Netflixing (ha!). If this applies to you, it’s especially beneficial for you to be mindful of how your body is positioned while you’re sitting.

Ideally, you want to sit with your spine straight and your shoulders relaxed with your feet flat on the floor. I find that either sitting on or against a cushion in my chair keeps me aware of my posture. (I was gifted a cushion from REALthings, and I’m loving it!)

Essential Oils

A few years ago, a girlfriend of mine gave me a bottle of “stress relief” roll-on lavender-scented oil to help me manage stress. Who knew that it would be life changing?!

Some studies have shown a range of benefits to using essential oils for aromatherapy, including relief from stress and better sleep. I’ve found that when I apply lavender oil throughout the day under my nose (and sometimes even right on my nostrils), not only do I smell great (ha!), but I also get the benefits of aromatherapy. Most importantly, it causes me to breathe more deeply (because I love the smell), so I receive the benefits of deep breathing more often. When I do this, I start to relax and generally feel better.

Simple Meditation

Like many, I find it hard to take 20-30 minutes each day to meditate. But one of the key lessons I’ve learned in practicing mindfulness is that it isn’t all or nothing. We do the best we can. For me what works is to meditate each morning when I first wake up — and I do it for 1-11 minutes depending on how I feel and how much time I have (and let’s just say, if I’ve been out partying the night before and I’m running late, it likely ain’t gonna happen!). Usually, I end up meditating for about 3-5 minutes.

My current practice is super simple, and I have deliberately designed it as such. I need something that works for me, and this does: I sit up in bed cross-legged with a straight spine, set the timer for as many minutes as I can devote to it, close my eyes, and repeat my mantra (I use satnam, which in the Sikh faith means “there is only one constant”). When the timer goes off, I spend a minute or two expressing my thanks, gratitude, and intention for the day (all done in my head, to myself).

This is my personal practice, but it can be as simple as closing your eyes and observing your breath for 2 minutes. The key point here is to experiment and find what works for you.

Expressions of Gratitude

Much has been written about the importance of gratitude — not just for cultivating joy in life, but also to help focus on present awareness. Pausing to reflect on what you are grateful for will push your thoughts to your present surroundings and experiences, which is so important for experiencing appreciation and interrupting fear. I express gratitude every morning when I meditate, and throughout the day when I am reminded to do so.

It’s helpful to embed your day with triggers that will remind you to take a moment to be grateful. For me, whenever I look at the clock and it says 11:11 or 1:11, I use this as a reminder to take a pause and express gratitude for what I’m thankful for in the moment. (Funnily enough, as I was typing just now the clock read 11:11 and I gave an expression of gratitude!)

Mindful Eating

We all carry symptoms of stress in our physical bodies. Through my own self-reflection work I’ve come to see that I carry most of my stress in my stomach/GI tract (I’ve had a lifetime of digestive issues, argh!). This is because when the body experiences stress, it goes into fight or flight mode — and one of the effects of being in this state is disrupted digestion. One way to ensure that our bodies are able to digest our food properly (and to enjoy our meals — which is critical for me as a foodie who loves to “throw down” with food) is to practice mindful eating.

I don’t care how wonky this might sound to some, because it works for me! When I’m eating, I pause to look at my food, sense its energy, express my gratitude for the meal, set my intention to digest it properly, and then I chew each bite slowly before swallowing. Eating mindfully is beneficial for our bodies (particularly our digestion), our minds, and our relationship with food.

Not every mindfulness technique will work for everyone, but if you can find just one that works for you, you’re on your way to unlocking all that mindfulness has to offer.

My takeaway question for you is, what will you do to engage in a mindfulness practice after today?

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