In my book The Authenticity Principle, I explain the practice of “mindful listening” (which is like active listening but goes even deeper) and how it can make you a more effective and authentic leader. But mindful listening isn’t just for leaders. In any of our interactions with others — with family, lovers, friends, colleagues, bosses, customer service reps, you name it — mindful listening allows us to be more present, focused, and deliberate in our actions.

With mindful listening, you’re not only tuning in to your own needs and others’ needs — you’re also paying attention to everything that’s going on around you. This includes what the other person is saying, their body language, the energy they’re emitting, the feelings and body sensations you’re having, the thoughts in your head, and what’s happening in the environment around you. This requires a conscious shift from how most of us usually practice listening.

Ultimately, mindful listening helps us to form deeper, more authentic connections with people around us — improving our relationships overall and helping others to feel like they can be more authentic in our presence. Mindful listening will literally transform your relationships!

Different Types of Listening

Picture the following scenario: You’re out having dinner with a friend who seems to be repeating the same mistakes over and over again in her life. You feel like you’ve had the same conversation a million times before, and you’re frustrated. You’re thinking to yourself, “I can’t believe she’s doing this again. I would never do that. I would do XYZ instead. I’m going to tell her. But when will she stop talking?! Whatever. I’m going to interrupt her.”

This is an example of what I call “one-way listening” — anchoring to how we want to respond to the other person rather than taking in all of what they are communicating. It’s very self-focused, and it’s how most of us do our listening most of the time.

Another listening approach is what I call “two-way listening.” With this type of listening, you’re more focused on what the other person is saying. You’re paying attention to their words and body language, and you’re also tuned in to what you’re thinking and feeling.

In the above scenario with your friend, you’d say something to yourself like, “Hmm, she just said she agrees with me, but her body language makes me feel like she’s only saying it. I wonder if she’s saying it just to make me happy? It’s making me feel uncomfortable. Should I ask her what she really thinks? Maybe I shouldn’t. Or maybe I should? Hmm, I’m gonna leave it — we don’t have enough time to get into it.”

Some of us practice this type of listening some of the time. While it’s a better approach than one-way listening, it still doesn’t take in all of what the person is communicating, nor does it reflect how the environment around you could be impacting what’s being shared.

What Mindful Listening Looks Like

Mindful listening builds on how we usually listen (one-way or two-way listening) by using more of our senses and slowing down our thoughts to take in the situation in a more thoughtfully considered, non-judgmental way. With mindful listening, we fully absorb what’s taking place before deciding what to say or do.

In the scenario we’re considering, you would first reflect on what’s going on in the room. Is the restaurant crowded or noisy? Is the atmosphere uptight or relaxed? Is the waitstaff frequently nearby where they can overhear your conversation? How might these factors be impacting the way you and your friend are communicating?

You’d also consider how you’re feeling and how this is impacting your own communication. Are you at the end of a rough workday? Are you on edge from a fight you just had with your partner? Are you anticipating a difficult meeting the next morning? How are these feelings impacting your verbal and non-verbal communication?

Then, of course, you would fully consider how external and internal factors are impacting your friend and how she is communicating. You’d say to yourself something like this, “She seems to be off today — she’s speaking more quietly and slowly than usual and she’s hunched over in her chair. Hmm, I wonder if maybe she’s feeling really hurt by what’s going on in her life? In fact, now that I’m paying attention more, it seems that I’ve been speaking to her in kind of a preachy way when it comes to this issue, and not thinking about her emotions at all — probably because I’m stressed in my own life. It’s also really busy in here. Maybe when we’re in a more private place I’ll ask her about how she’s really feeling.”

Few of us take the time to practice this type of listening regularly, but doing so can have a profound effect on our interactions, how we connect with others, and how others connect with us.

How to Practice Mindful Listening

Here are a few strategies for listening mindfully:

• Pay attention to your breath.

  Ensure that you’re engaging in diaphragm breathing (for a description of how to do this take a look at my post on mindfulness). This technique will help you to relax both mentally and physically and allow you to better hear your thoughts, feel the sensations in your body, and be more aware of the environment you’re in.

• Tune in to how you’re feeling in the moment.

  What physical sensations are you feeling in your body and what do they mean? What thoughts are dancing in your head while the person is sharing? What’s happening in the environment that is impacting your experience? Is anything triggering you to perform? Do you feel forced to push down your Authentic Self out of fear?

• Tune in to the other person.

  Listen to their words (what are they saying?), pay attention to their body language (what non-verbal signals are they giving you?), and take notice of whether there’s a disconnect between what they’re saying and how they’re emoting or what their body language is communicating. Could anything you’re doing be triggering them to perform?

• Take in the environment with your senses.

  What’s happening in the room? Is anything happening that could be impacting how the person is sharing or how you’re receiving what the person is sharing? What might be happening that’s making it harder for you to be authentic or for the other person to be authentic?

• Take your time.

  Give the person you’re with the time and space to articulate what they want to say. Then give yourself time and space to do the same. You will offer a more genuine, authentic response to what they are expressing if you listen in this manner.

Next time you’re in a meeting, out with a friend, or even having an argument, try this listening technique and observe how it changes your experience. The difference might surprise you!

The post Want to Improve Your Relationships? Focus on Mindful Listening appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I found myself being really snippy to people around me — particularly to people I didn’t know. I was snapping at my Uber drivers, the checkout people at the drug store, the customer service person on the phone, and more. Because I knew this was bad behavior, I’d walk away feeling crappy about how I acted and I could hear the voice in my head lashing out at myself. Basically, I was self-flogging and it sounded like, “that was a crappy thing you did there, you’re a horrible human.”

Of course, I took this to my therapist and she said to me “Ritu, you choose how you treat others — even when you’re stressed.”

What a powerful a-ha moment this was for me because, well, it’s spot on! We often know when we’re being unpleasant and we can choose to alter our behavior. We can choose to not take our frustrations out on others. We can choose to communicate effectively with others. Even if we’re in a disagreement with someone, we have the power of choice in how to lead a difficult conversation or engage in conflict. In fact, how we speak to others can help build or wither relationships! And relationships are everything for life’s happiness. Whether it’s about how to find love, how to build trust, or how to communicate better at work, know that you choose how you treat people. And all of this impacts your ability to develop stronger relationships.

After having this a-ha moment, and reflecting on what my therapist told me, there are a few things that I now do when I find myself starting to get snappy with others. If you’ve found yourself in a similar situation when you’re stressed, you might also find this helpful.

Take a Pause

You’ll have heard me talk about the importance of taking more pauses in my blogs and videos. The simple act of deliberately slowing down by pausing before you say or do something can be so helpful in changing how you treat people. It allows you to stop for a quick moment to think about how you’re feeling, what you want to say, and how you want to say it — all before you actually share. Plus, it gives you a moment to focus on becoming more embodied which is so important. Essentially, by taking a pause in my interactions with others, I’m making better choices in how I treat others.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

I’ve also started to acknowledge and share that I am in a crappy mood. I will say to myself, “You’re on edge right now. You’re feeling frazzled and that’s because you’re stressed.” By being more honest and authentic with myself about what I’m feeling, I’m now better able to shift my energy to self-care practices that will help me to feel better. And these self-care practices ultimately bring me to a place where I can make better choices in how I treat others and myself.

Explore How You Want to Treat Others

The final practice I’ve started to use in moments when I’m feeling edgy and taking it out on others is reflecting on how I want the person to feel once I leave our interaction. Wow, what an eye-opening self-reflection exercise for changing how I treat others! Here are a few questions that I ask myself in moments of stress:

• How do I want to treat this person?
• How do I want to make this person feel?
• What can I do to make this exchange feel more respectful?

When I remind myself that I don’t want to make people feel crappy, I am very kind.

As I’m writing this blog, I have a bazillion things on my plate right now and, yup, I’m feeling cranky! But because of the practices I mentioned above, I’m being extra mindful about my interactions with others. And I feel good about this: knowing that I’m being kind in how I’m choosing to treat others. It’s about the interconnectedness of being.

The next time you’re feeling frazzled, what will you do to check in with yourself to ensure that you’re being more mindful in your interactions? What strategies will you use to alter how you choose to treat others?

The post We Choose How We Treat People appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

In our society, conflict generally has a negative connotation. It’s common to think that the best way to have safe and secure relationships is to avoid all disagreements. Fewer disagreements means less fighting, equals happier relationships. Given this messaging, our bickering made me worry about the health and stability of my relationship.

As I always do, I spoke to my therapist about how I was feeling, and she told me that fighting isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Conflict is normal in any kind of relationship — it’s often the way we air our concerns, opinions, and grievances. In fact, research has shown that fighting may actually mean that we care and can be an indicator of increased intimacy, which enhances relationships.

It seems counter-intuitive, but arguments can, in fact, bring people closer together.

However, there is a big difference between a throw-down fight and a disagreement. In any conflict, miscommunications and mistakes do happen and feelings will get hurt. But there is a healthy way to argue that results in resolution, allowing you to feel closer to your partner, colleague, family member, or friend. What truly matters is not the number of arguments you have or even what they’re about — it’s how we fight that makes a difference.

So how do we deal with the tension in a healthy, constructive way? Here are three ways to manage relationship conflict the next time you find yourself in the middle of a fight.

Take a Pause

As I’ve mentioned before, when a conversation causes us stress, we typically react by wanting to jump in with the first words that come to mind (which are usually hurtful). We don’t give proper thought to what we are saying, how we are saying it, or the consequences that may follow. Taking a deliberate pause in the middle of a fight allows us to regroup, gather our thoughts, and check in with ourselves about what we really want to say and how we should say it.

(And if you’re worried that you’ve crossed a line, remember that you can always ask for a do over.)

Share Your Feelings

A lot of fights stem from our own insecurities, yet instead of sharing how we really feel, we often mask by being defensive or by showing anger, because it feels easier than showing shame or vulnerability. But it’s so important to speak our truths, not only to get to the root of the issue, but also because good relationships are about communication.

As my favorite love guru, Esther Perel, has said, when people fight, it’s really about the lack of “affection, respect, power… or some combination of [the] three.” We need the courage to share how we really feel. (If you need some tips on how to share your feelings, check out my other blog post here.)

Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes

The most important thing I’ve learned about fighting well is to acknowledge that the other person’s experiences are different from ours. We all have our own lens, and it’s easy to lose sight of that in the heat of the moment and assume what the other person is feeling or thinking (especially when they’re a loved one you know well).

By making a conscious effort to put yourself in their shoes, you might see where they are coming from. And when you do, chances are you’ll realize that they’re probably not the horrible person you painted in your mind, but that they’re coming from a good-hearted — but possibly wounded — place. By recognizing the other person’s interpretation of the situation, you might find that your own perspective changes, and suddenly you’re no longer fighting.

Conflict is bound to happen in any relationship where you care deeply about the other person. These are just a few ways you can deal with tension in a more constructive way that will make your relationships stronger.

The next time you face a fight, ask yourself these questions:

• How do I want to manage this situation?
• What are some questions I can ask myself and the other person?
• How will I frame what I say and how I say it?
• How will I mindfully listen to what they have to say?

The post How to Fight Better in Relationships appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

You get the picture! In these moments, if you’re like most people, you’ll likely start to feel the stress surge through your body, coupled with a deep sense of impatience. And once the impatience kicks in, it can take over and cause some pretty crappy behavior.

I know all about this! I can be very impatient at times, and it’s usually about silly, small things — like when I’m rushing from meeting to meeting and the person walking in front of me is slow or when I’m standing in line waiting for a food order. I’ve noticed that I can be particularly impatient when I’m traveling, especially when I’m tight for time. I can get really irritable and, although I hate to admit this, I might even be snippy sometimes to the service people I’m interacting with.

Argh, I know this isn’t great! And this is exactly why I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, why I’m working to change my behavior, and why I’m writing about it now.

We all know that being impatient doesn’t serve us or the people around us (especially if we’re being rude). In fact, being impatient only further exacerbates our stress levels, which feeds into harming our mental and physical health. When we’re calm, we make better choices. And you know that I’m all about making better choices in life!

So how do you work on being more patient so this can help bring your stress levels down? I’d like to share a few things I’ve learned.

Impatience is About Control 

First, it’s important to understand why you can sometimes be impatient, particularly in stressful situations. Impatience is often about control or, more specifically, about needing to be in control of situations and outcomes. In other words, impatience is a manifestation of frustration when you can’t control a situation. 

This mainly happens because you want to feel safe. It’s a natural tendency to try to control circumstances when you feel like you’re in danger, in order to rationalize your behavior, actions, and more. For example, I sometimes will micro-manage Uber drivers in an attempt to get to my destination more quickly, even though it’s my fault that I’m running late in the first place. But here’s a key life lesson I’m learning: we can’t govern every situation or outcome — it’s simply not possible!

Take a Pause 

You may have heard me talk about the power of the pause (and if you haven’t, check out this video on how taking a pause can transform the way you communicate!). Taking a moment to pause is one of the best things you can do for yourself when you’re feeling activated!  

Pausing will push you to slow down and bring yourself into the moment, which is critical for helping you to better track what you’re thinking. When you do this, you’ll be able to acknowledge that you’re annoyed at what’s happening around you and recognize that you’re being impatient — acknowledging this then helps you consciously change your behavior.

Tune Into Your Body 

When I feel waves of impatience and stress come over me, I do my best to tune into what my body is telling me. The body is a guidepost to how we’re reacting or feeling about a situation, especially if we are living in an embodied state. By living in an embodied state, we can better feel the sensations in our bodies which will help us to better settle and calm ourselves during feelings of impatience, stress and more.  

Whenever you hear the voice in your head start to rage because of impatience, you’ll want to immediately tune into where it’s physically showing up for you. Why? Because if you can calm your body, it’ll help you to calm your mind. 

For example, when I hear messages in my head saying, “Why is this taking so long?” I pay attention to what’s happening in my body. In those moments, I’ll often feel my shoulders tense up, my face gets hot, and I feel this heaviness on my chest. I will then either take deep breaths, sending energy to those regions of my body, or I’ll do some stretches right then and there to release the tension.  

Essentially, by tuning into what’s happening in your body, you can bring yourself into a more grounded state, and then have a more thoughtful response and reaction to a stressful situation.

Use Self-Coaching to Release the Stress You’re Feeling 

Self-coaching is an amazing strategy that you can use in moments when you need assurance or a pep-talk. You simply tell yourself the kind, compassionate, and reassuring things a beloved would share with you. For example, in moments of great impatience and stress, I will tell myself, “You’re safe. You’re not going to be late.” It can be extremely useful to plan these words of affirmation in advance so that they’ll be ready for you in stressful moments.  

The beauty of self-coaching is that you can do it anywhere and at any time and, with practice, it’s easy to improve at. It’s a great tool for building your confidence and overcoming your fears because it’s all about taking your power back! 

These stress management strategies can be really helpful when you’re feeling impatient! Not only will they help you feel less activated in stressful moments, but you’ll also be more conscious of being kinder to the people around you. 

So the next time you find yourself feeling stressed or impatient, what will you do to manage that moment? What will you do to tune into your body? What are the words you will use to coach yourself to better manage your moment of stress and be more patient? 

Remember that life is so much better when we feel less stressed and impatient. 

The post How to Be More Patient, Even When You’re Stressed appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Between demanding schedules and personal obligations, sometimes it can be easy to forget about the work we need to put into nurturing our relationships. Especially during this difficult moment, when our lives feel overwhelmed by stress related to COVID, we’re still working from home, we’re upset by all the inequities we’re observing, and more, the simple gestures or compliments we usually dish out to our loved ones can easily fall by the wayside.

But as we know, human connection is what brings meaning to our lives, and investing energy to improve our relationships will ultimately make us happier.

One of the tools that I’ve used to help me to improve my relationships — romantic and otherwise — is a tool called the 5 Love Languages. If you’re not familiar with the 5 Love Languages, you gotta check them out! Basically, there are five main ways that we speak and understand emotional love: words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality times, and acts of service.

Everyone’s love language is different, and everyone has a unique preference for how they want to show their love and care for others — and how they want to receive love and care back. I personally have found this knowledge to be so helpful in improving the quality of my relationships, including how I deal with conflict.

In this video, I share why I adore the 5 Love Languages and how learning your loved ones’ love language can improve your relationships.

Watch now!

The post Improve Your Relationship with the 5 Love Languages appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

She told me that love is like a flower. Flowers are beautiful, bring joy, and can instantly brighten up your day, but they are also delicate. They need water to grow, nourishment from the soil to flourish, and light from the sun to thrive. Flowers can’t just be thrown around; we must handle them with care. If we don’t give them what they need to survive, they can wilt, become bruised and damaged permanently, and they can die.

My sister summed up her thoughts by saying that, just like tending to a delicate flower, we need to care for the love we share with others in the same way.

How great is this analogy?!

Love and Relationships Take Work

In our society, there’s an entrenched belief that love should be easy — that when you build a loving relationship with someone, things should just “work out”. But this simply isn’t true!

Relationships require work in order to thrive, the same way flowers need tending to in order to flourish. Our word and actions — what we say and do — impact others, and they can bring joy, but they can also hurt. If we do not take the time to nurture a bond we have with someone, especially after it’s been hurt, it will suffer over time.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t fight or experience tension with your loved ones. Arguments and conflict are normal and healthy aspects of a relationship. As you’ll have heard me say in previous blogs, the issue isn’t that you fight because, of course, you’ll have disagreements. What matters is how you fight and address the tension you experience in relationships. (And if you’re not already doing this, you might want to carve out the time to think about what you can do to heal the hurt your actions or comments may have caused.)

And here’s what’s so interesting: sometimes it’s in the greatest of turmoil that love can become even more beautiful. When I first told my boo that my sister called love a delicate flower, he said, “Yes! It’s like a lotus flower that grows in a shitty swamp!”

How to Nurture Love and Relationships

Every meaningful relationship you have is special in its own way. Like the many species of flowers that need varying amounts of water, fertilizer, and sunlight to flourish, your relationships may need to be cared for differently in order for them to grow or heal. To help you out with your relationship “gardening” (ha, couldn’t resist!), here are a few things you can do to help nurture your bonds with others:

Know Your (and Your Loved Ones’) Love Language

Have you heard of love languages? The Five Love Languages is a book by Gary Chapman that outlines the ways we express and experience love. Simply put, our love language is how we show others that we love them and how we like to receive love from others. For example, my dominant love language is words of affirmation — I love showering my beloveds with words of admiration, appreciation, and encouragement. Knowing your loved ones’ love languages is important as you’ll uncover what means the most to them and how to heal any hurt you cause. You can do the Love Language test online for free here.

Learn to Fight Better

As I’ve already mentioned, conflict is a very normal part of relationships, and it can actually bring people closer together. The important thing to note is how you fight. For example, one of the most useful things I do whenever I feel stressed in a heated discussion is to take a pause. This simple act can stop potentially harmful words from flying out of your mouth — all you need to do is literally pause! When you slow down and check in with yourself, chances are that your response will be more thoughtful and deliberate.

Going forward, choose to work hard at nurturing your relationships through proper care and attention, so that the love you have in your life can thrive, feel beautiful, and be lasting.

Reflect on your most important relationships. Are there any that need a little TLC? What will you do going forward to nurture and cultivate that bond?

Remember that it may take time, and some relationships may require more nourishing than others. But all of this is worth the sweet smell of roses (cheesy, I know, but true)!

The post Love is Like a Flower — We Need to Nurture It appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

When I was writing my book, The Authenticity Principle, I knew that I wanted to include self-love as part of what I was teaching, because self-love is at the core of living authentically. But because I was worried that some people wouldn’t accept this “mushy” topic alongside the neuroscience, leadership, and self-development topics that I discuss in the book, I wasn’t sure to what extent I should talk about it directly.

But the further I got into the process of writing, the more I realized that I simply can’t teach people how to live better — or how to build a more empowered and inclusive world — without discussing self-love. Here are three reasons why I think you should focus on self-love on Valentine’s Day and every day.

1. Self-Love is the Key to Loving Others Better

When I talk about self-love, I’m talking about unconditional acceptance of the self. I’m talking about knowing and embracing who you truly are as much as possible, and that means, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And this can be really hard work!

Learning to accept and love yourself unconditionally requires doing deep self-reflection work to reveal the “tough stuff”, including the wounds, pain, shame, and other vulnerabilities that you’ve experienced and internalized along your life’s journey. This “tough stuff” is exactly what gets in the way of you loving others and inviting them to love you back, because when you’re hurting, you’re more likely to put up walls that prevent you from giving and receiving love. (And let’s be real — when we hurt, love is exactly what we need.)

Acknowledging and facing the “tough stuff” isn’t easy, but doing this work will enable you to work on healing these areas. So whether it’s your lover, children, family, or friends, you must start with loving yourself in order to identify and heal the hurt that’s preventing you from giving love and receiving it from others.

2. Self-Love is the Foundation of an Inclusive World

In my work as a global diversity, equity, and inclusion speaker and consultant, one of the questions I’m always asked is: How can we build a society that’s more accepting of differences?

The answer lies in self-love.

So many of us have been taught to hate and fear differences in others, which is often motivated by discomfort with our own differences. This fear often stems from the fact that we don’t love and accept ourselves for who we are. There are many reasons for this, including the fact that many of us have received repeated negative messages about who we are throughout our lives.

When we experience discomfort with someone who is not like us, what’s essentially happening is that we’re engaging in bias, whether consciously or unconsciously. We do so because we’re afraid of differences and of being hurt, and we have been taught that sameness is safer and makes us less vulnerable. But favoring sameness ultimately pushes fear, intolerance, and hate.

Cultivating self-love will lead you not only to embrace who you are (especially what makes you different), but it will also enable you to feel more comfortable with others’ differences. In short, loving yourself can have a huge impact on creating a more inclusive world as you’ll be more willing to recognize and celebrate authenticity in yourself and others.

(Also, self-love is a radical act (shout out to Audre Lorde!), but for especially people of color, for women (cisgender and trans), and for women of color. Loving ourselves is a way of disrupting the harmful messages of White male supremacy that tell us we are unworthy.)

3. Self-Love is the Secret to Living Your Best

Cultivating self-love is the starting point to having the life you want — a life where you feel empowered, confident, happy, loved, inspired, and so much more. And although it takes work — self-love is a practice where you choose to love yourself even when you’re feeling tired, weak, broken, insecure, like an impostor, and more — the end result is worth it.

Self-love is about the belief that you are worth the emotional and physical investment it takes to nurture and heal yourself. And when you make that investment in yourself, amazing things are possible!

Developing self-love and self-acceptance is a journey, and for many of us, it’s a lifelong one. Wherever you are now, the key is to start!

The post Why You Should Think About Self-Love This Valentine’s Day appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Back when I was still single, I would frequently find myself on dates wondering if there was physical chemistry between me and my date. Sometimes I knew right away but other times I just wasn’t sure!

To help me figure out how I felt — if there was an element of sexual attraction — I created a simple two-question test for myself to use as a way to gauge whether there was chemistry or not.

So many of you have reached out to share how difficult it is to navigate the COVID dating scene right now, and one thing that I keep hearing repeatedly is that it’s so hard to tell if you’re sexually attracted to someone on a video or physically distanced date. So I thought my test from my days of being single might help you!

In this I share my test for checking in on if you’re attracted to someone. I hope it helps!

Watch now!

The post Dating During COVID – Here’s How to Tell if You’re Sexually Attracted to Someone! appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

We live in a society obsessed with romantic relationships and being coupled up. And when you’re in your twenties and thirties, there’s so much pressure to find someone and settle down (especially as women, and the pressure gets even worse around Valentine’s Day).

It can feel totally overwhelming, impacting your self-esteem, confidence and happiness.

Fortunately, I learned a long time ago that, as a single person, there is a way to shut down the noise! I learned that there are a few things that you can do to stand in your power as a single person, deflect the bias and live your best.

In this video I share what to do in order to feel great about being single. Watch now!

The post Live Your Best Life When You’re Single appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on this concept over the last year — the events of 2020, especially, have changed what it means for many of us to live our best. In the midst of a global pandemic and a racial injustice crisis, living our best lives doesn’t mean “having it all” in the traditional sense. Living our best life is now more about finding joy and fulfillment.

So what does it take to live a fulfilling life in these difficult times? There are two points that come up repeatedly whenever I look at research and wisdom about living well, and not surprisingly, they’re connected for many of us. The two things you need to live a fulfilling life are to find meaning in your life and to develop social relationships.

1. Live Better by Finding Meaning

A few years ago, when I was vacationing with my sister, she brought along a copy of psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl’s profound 1946 book, Man’s Search for Meaning. She was gripped by the book and passed it along to me. I had the same response (and our gal Oprah is a big fan of his work too!).

In the book, Frankl details his experiences as a prisoner in the Auschwitz concentration camp and his observations about the differences in how his fellow prisoners fared under such extreme circumstances. Essentially, what Frankl shares is that the greatest task we have in our lives is to find meaning from one moment to the next — and that no matter how much is taken away from us, we still have the power to choose how we respond to our circumstances.

Frankl’s central belief is that life is “not a quest for pleasure… or a quest for power… but a quest for meaning.” He explains that there are a number of ways that we can choose to find meaning on our journeys.  Some people find their meaning through work, some by loving others, and some through having courage in difficult times. The key here is that we all possess choice — it’s up to each of us to decide which path we follow and to choose how we want to live.

Frankl’s wisdom is enduring, and contemporary researchers are still talking about the critical importance of finding meaning in life and revealing new aspects of how this shows up. (Check out Daniel Pink’s great book Drive to learn about the factors that motivate us at work.)

I’ve found in my own research that our ability to find meaning and purpose in life is directly connected to authenticity. In my life, the quest for meaning and the commitment to living authentically have been inextricably linked. One of the best things I ever did was to give up being an employee and work for myself. The decision to build a business around my passion for social justice, inclusion, and empowerment has made room for a tremendous amount of meaning in my life — and I’ve seen this happen for countless others who’ve committed to authenticity as well.

When we find our meaning and purpose and live it out by being authentic, we’re much better able to live a life centered on our values, which helps us feel fulfilled.

2. Live Better by Developing Social Relationships

In one of my favorite TED Talks, psychologist Susan Pinker presents some eye-opening research showing that the answer to living longer lives is not what we expect. A study examining numerous aspects of lifestyle showed that the top two predictors of long life do not include diet, exercise, alcohol use, or even genes. The two predictors are close relationships and social integration, that is, interactions you have with other people throughout your day, like greeting your taxi driver, the person who serves you lunch, etc. This research says that interacting with others influences the chemical processes of the body, improving our health by lowering our cortisol levels and increasing the release of dopamine. Simply put, in order to be healthy, people need people.

Relationships are a predictor of longevity, and they are also a predictor of happiness. A study conducted by Harvard beginning in 1938 set out to understand what leads to happy and healthy lives.  What this nearly 80-year long study revealed is that “close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives.” The study finds that healthy relationships have a positive effect on both physical and mental health. In essence, good relationships are powerful indicators of both our quality of life and how we will age.

So what is the best way to go about cultivating strong, close, and meaningful relationships? The answer here, too, is authenticity.  As I reveal in my book The Authenticity Principle, when we consistently choose to know, embrace, and be our authentic selves as often as possible, we feel better about ourselves, we bring this spirit to our interactions, and in doing so, we invite others to do the same. This fosters more meaningful and deeper connections with others, which will, in turn, improve our health and happiness.

The work of these writers and researchers proves a fascinating point — that in order to truly care for ourselves and to live our best lives, we need to focus both inward to find meaning and outward to develop relationships. Researchers are continuing to uncover just how important these deeper aspects — meaning and social relationships — are to our wellbeing and even our longevity.

So after today, if you want to live your best, the takeaways are quite simple: find meaning and develop relationships to live a more fulfilling life. I can tell you, from my own personal experience, that the research is spot on.

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