I rarely get sick, but this time, it hit me hard. I couldn’t get out of bed, I felt really weak, and doing even simple things was tough. Lots of my friends reached out to offer their help but I said no. Other than accepting my partner Santosh’s care, I couldn’t bring myself to say yes to their support.

I’ve now reflected on some of the reasons why I turned them down when, in truth, I really could have used their TLC! It made me think about how many of us — particularly women — struggle with accepting help when it’s offered, let alone when we could be asking for it outright.

Why do we struggle to ask for help?

Growing up as a feminist, I absorbed the idea that to be a strong, independent woman I should handle everything on my own, and that being vulnerable and asking for help is a sign of weakness. Instead, I was socialized to believe that I should focus on offering my help to others.

I know now this messaging is both misguided and misogynistic, and that internalizing gender bias hurts me personally and professionally. We all need love and support from others. In fact, it’s essential for navigating this difficult journey called life. When we deny others’ love and care, it directly impacts our well-being and can hold us back from thriving.

But I want to go even deeper here and vulnerably share another reason I’m uncomfortable with asking for and receiving help. While growing up, I came to believe that I’m not worthy of others’ care. I know I’m not alone with this. Many of us hold this hurtful belief because of the conditional love that came our way both in our childhood and adulthood. Feeling unlovable can make it really hard to accept others’ care.

How can we get more comfortable asking for and accepting help?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since being sick, and I’ve also been working on changing how I respond when someone offers their help. And there are three things I’ve been doing that I want to share with you:

1. Understand your reasons for saying no

We need to know what’s getting in our way so that we can address the barriers that are preventing us from thriving. To figure out what’s at the root of your tendency to turn down others’ help, try engaging in deep self-reflection work. Here are a few tools to make this happen.

2. When you’re about to say no, say yes

So many of us are wired to automatically say “no thanks” when someone asks if they can help us. When you notice that you’re about to say these words, take a pause, engage in self-coaching, and say yes instead.

3. Identify what you need and then ask for it

I recently had some of my friends over for a big dinner. Many of them asked if there was anything they could do to help. And while the old Ritu would’ve said no, this time I said yes. I asked them all to bring either an appetizer or a dessert. The result was not only less work for me but also some kick-ass appetizers and delish desserts. It was a powerful affirmation of why doing our work to live better matters.

And while I’m talking about living better, I want to underscore that the most powerful healing work we can do to open up our hearts to others’ care is to engage in self-love. When we feel lovable, it unlocks our sense of worthiness. And when we feel worthy, we openly receive others’ love and support.

So the next time you feel yourself shying away from asking for or receiving help, tell yourself: I am worthy of love. And then ask yourself: what simple gesture of help could I allow into my life as a first step?

The post Do You Struggle to Ask for Help? You’re Not Alone appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

My mission in life is to create a more empowered and inclusive world, one where we can all belong. And while part of making this happen includes interrupting forms of oppression through my work as a DEI expert, the personal empowerment work I do is just as important.

Why do I think this?

Because both social justice work and personal empowerment work are about making the world a better and more welcoming, accepting, and loving place for everyone who has been the target of hurtful and hateful life experiences. And when we as individuals feel strong, grounded, and empowered, we have the energy and resilience we need to help empower others.

In this #ShineWithRitu video, I share how personal empowerment is deeply connected to social justice as well as one of my favorite quotes from one of my heroes that I hope inspires you too!

Watch now!

For more videos on how to be more socially conscious and stand in your power, check out these playlists:

– Be Socially Conscious

– Stand In Your Power

The post How Social Justice is Connected to Personal Empowerment appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I love being a Woman of Color! I’m so fiercely proud of my identity as a Punjabi, Sikh Brown girl! That being said, I’d also be the first to tell you that life can feel very hard when you consistently face racism and other forms of oppression.

As someone who has dedicated her life to social justice and disrupting racism, I’ve had a lot of white people ask me, “What does it feel like to experience racism?” So in this #ShineWithRitu video, I share how racism feels for me, as well as some helpful tips I use to settle my system, feel better, and take care of myself when the sting of racism particularly hurts.

Watch now!

For more videos on how to stand in your power as a Person of Color – and how to be a better ally as a white person – check out these playlists:
• Stand In Your Power
• Be Socially Conscious

The post This is How It Feels to Experience Racism appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

In my book The Authenticity Principle, I explain the practice of “mindful listening” (which is like active listening but goes even deeper) and how it can make you a more effective and authentic leader. But mindful listening isn’t just for leaders. In any of our interactions with others — with family, lovers, friends, colleagues, bosses, customer service reps, you name it — mindful listening allows us to be more present, focused, and deliberate in our actions.

With mindful listening, you’re not only tuning in to your own needs and others’ needs — you’re also paying attention to everything that’s going on around you. This includes what the other person is saying, their body language, the energy they’re emitting, the feelings and body sensations you’re having, the thoughts in your head, and what’s happening in the environment around you. This requires a conscious shift from how most of us usually practice listening.

Ultimately, mindful listening helps us to form deeper, more authentic connections with people around us — improving our relationships overall and helping others to feel like they can be more authentic in our presence. Mindful listening will literally transform your relationships!

Different Types of Listening

Picture the following scenario: You’re out having dinner with a friend who seems to be repeating the same mistakes over and over again in her life. You feel like you’ve had the same conversation a million times before, and you’re frustrated. You’re thinking to yourself, “I can’t believe she’s doing this again. I would never do that. I would do XYZ instead. I’m going to tell her. But when will she stop talking?! Whatever. I’m going to interrupt her.”

This is an example of what I call “one-way listening” — anchoring to how we want to respond to the other person rather than taking in all of what they are communicating. It’s very self-focused, and it’s how most of us do our listening most of the time.

Another listening approach is what I call “two-way listening.” With this type of listening, you’re more focused on what the other person is saying. You’re paying attention to their words and body language, and you’re also tuned in to what you’re thinking and feeling.

In the above scenario with your friend, you’d say something to yourself like, “Hmm, she just said she agrees with me, but her body language makes me feel like she’s only saying it. I wonder if she’s saying it just to make me happy? It’s making me feel uncomfortable. Should I ask her what she really thinks? Maybe I shouldn’t. Or maybe I should? Hmm, I’m gonna leave it — we don’t have enough time to get into it.”

Some of us practice this type of listening some of the time. While it’s a better approach than one-way listening, it still doesn’t take in all of what the person is communicating, nor does it reflect how the environment around you could be impacting what’s being shared.

What Mindful Listening Looks Like

Mindful listening builds on how we usually listen (one-way or two-way listening) by using more of our senses and slowing down our thoughts to take in the situation in a more thoughtfully considered, non-judgmental way. With mindful listening, we fully absorb what’s taking place before deciding what to say or do.

In the scenario we’re considering, you would first reflect on what’s going on in the room. Is the restaurant crowded or noisy? Is the atmosphere uptight or relaxed? Is the waitstaff frequently nearby where they can overhear your conversation? How might these factors be impacting the way you and your friend are communicating?

You’d also consider how you’re feeling and how this is impacting your own communication. Are you at the end of a rough workday? Are you on edge from a fight you just had with your partner? Are you anticipating a difficult meeting the next morning? How are these feelings impacting your verbal and non-verbal communication?

Then, of course, you would fully consider how external and internal factors are impacting your friend and how she is communicating. You’d say to yourself something like this, “She seems to be off today — she’s speaking more quietly and slowly than usual and she’s hunched over in her chair. Hmm, I wonder if maybe she’s feeling really hurt by what’s going on in her life? In fact, now that I’m paying attention more, it seems that I’ve been speaking to her in kind of a preachy way when it comes to this issue, and not thinking about her emotions at all — probably because I’m stressed in my own life. It’s also really busy in here. Maybe when we’re in a more private place I’ll ask her about how she’s really feeling.”

Few of us take the time to practice this type of listening regularly, but doing so can have a profound effect on our interactions, how we connect with others, and how others connect with us.

How to Practice Mindful Listening

Here are a few strategies for listening mindfully:

• Pay attention to your breath.

  Ensure that you’re engaging in diaphragm breathing (for a description of how to do this take a look at my post on mindfulness). This technique will help you to relax both mentally and physically and allow you to better hear your thoughts, feel the sensations in your body, and be more aware of the environment you’re in.

• Tune in to how you’re feeling in the moment.

  What physical sensations are you feeling in your body and what do they mean? What thoughts are dancing in your head while the person is sharing? What’s happening in the environment that is impacting your experience? Is anything triggering you to perform? Do you feel forced to push down your Authentic Self out of fear?

• Tune in to the other person.

  Listen to their words (what are they saying?), pay attention to their body language (what non-verbal signals are they giving you?), and take notice of whether there’s a disconnect between what they’re saying and how they’re emoting or what their body language is communicating. Could anything you’re doing be triggering them to perform?

• Take in the environment with your senses.

  What’s happening in the room? Is anything happening that could be impacting how the person is sharing or how you’re receiving what the person is sharing? What might be happening that’s making it harder for you to be authentic or for the other person to be authentic?

• Take your time.

  Give the person you’re with the time and space to articulate what they want to say. Then give yourself time and space to do the same. You will offer a more genuine, authentic response to what they are expressing if you listen in this manner.

Next time you’re in a meeting, out with a friend, or even having an argument, try this listening technique and observe how it changes your experience. The difference might surprise you!

The post Want to Improve Your Relationships? Focus on Mindful Listening appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Growing up, I often struggled with feeling like I belonged. One of the main reasons for this is that I felt like I had to pick one cultural identity and I wasn’t sure which one to choose. At school, I endured relentless racist bullying and so I didn’t feel particularly Canadian, but then I also struggled with many aspects of Indian culture.

It took me years to land on how to describe who I am culturally, and I learned some important lessons along the way!

In this #ShineWithRitu video, I share both how I’ve come to see myself culturally and why it’s important to move away from a binary way of thinking about our identities, all so that we can experience true belonging.

Watch now!

Learn more about living authentically with the Three Selves Framework here.

Download the first chapter of my book The Authenticity Principle to learn more.

The post It Can Be a Struggle to Understand Your Cultural Identity appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Purpose is everything! It’s what helps us find meaning in our lives when we’re struggling with personal challenges and what motivates us to keep going when the world feels overwhelming (like right now…).

I have personally struggled with knowing who I am, living authentically, and reconciling my cultural identities, and I’d be the first to tell you that finding your purpose isn’t always easy. But as I share in this #ShineWithRitu video, finding our purpose is critical for living our best life. I hope it inspires you to do the same!

Watch now!

The post Finding Your Purpose in Life is so Important appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I was reminded of the sometimes-negative impact of choosing to live more authentically recently while on Instagram (as you may know, I love posting stories on IG! I follow Jas Kaur, a fab Punjabi fitness trainer from Australia, who has been talking very openly on IG about her journey to be more authentic. And, in doing so, she’s been receiving a range of negative backlash from her online community and from some people in her personal life. She’s also been very open about this negativity and how she’s overcoming it, which is so refreshing. I’m inspired by her authenticity!

As you can see, when you decide to start living more authentically, some may hate on your decision to better know, embrace and be who you are. Even though you’re making these behavioral shifts to live better and to be happier, some may have an adverse reaction to your life changes. The unfortunate part is that this may cause you to question your choice to be more of who you are. 

Why Do People Hate on Our Authenticity?

There are two main reasons why people may have a hard time when you start to be more authentic. 

First, when you start to reveal more of who you are in your interactions, it’ll be a wake-up call for others if they’re not already living this way. They will feel your increased vulnerability and openheartedness, and they’ll be reminded that they want to live more authentically. But, due to fear, they’re holding back. And so, instead of doing the hard work to be more of who they really are, they push down their own desires and your authenticity. Basically, they want you to stop living this way because you’re reminding them that they’re not choosing to make critical life changes.

On a related note, living more authentically will lead you to feel more liberated, to radiate more confidence, and be happier! And while that’s amazing for you, others may be threatened by your radiance and happiness, rather than feel joy for you.  Instead, their envy or resentment may cause them to want to judge you. Or, perhaps even worse, they hold the mistaken belief that by tearing you down, they’ll feel better about their lives and choices they’ve made. But, as I’ve said before, tearing others down will never bring you true happiness.

You Then Feel Racked With Self-Doubt

When you feel like you’re being judged, it’s natural to doubt your decision to take steps to live more authentically. The negative energy you feel may lead you to question whether your new way of life is right for you. You’ll hear the gremlin – the voice in your head that spews negative self-talk – tell you that the haters are right, that you shouldn’t be courageous and bold in putting yourself out there. 

Ultimately, you may even want to go back to your old ways of conforming and masking who you are, because it feels easier. Which is why this is the time to stand in your power!

Shut Out The Noise!

This is a perfect time to reflect on how conforming and masking your true self led you to be miserable, and why your new way of living is critical for your happiness. You want to remind yourself of why you’ve taken the courageous step to be more vulnerable and authentic. You want a more meaningful and fulfilling life, that is filled with personal growth and genuine human connections.  

You get to decide your happiness through the choices you make, and that this choice will serve you well at the end of the day. So, basically, shut out the noise!

The post How to Overcome Negative Backlash When Living Authentically appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I found myself being really snippy to people around me — particularly to people I didn’t know. I was snapping at my Uber drivers, the checkout people at the drug store, the customer service person on the phone, and more. Because I knew this was bad behavior, I’d walk away feeling crappy about how I acted and I could hear the voice in my head lashing out at myself. Basically, I was self-flogging and it sounded like, “that was a crappy thing you did there, you’re a horrible human.”

Of course, I took this to my therapist and she said to me “Ritu, you choose how you treat others — even when you’re stressed.”

What a powerful a-ha moment this was for me because, well, it’s spot on! We often know when we’re being unpleasant and we can choose to alter our behavior. We can choose to not take our frustrations out on others. We can choose to communicate effectively with others. Even if we’re in a disagreement with someone, we have the power of choice in how to lead a difficult conversation or engage in conflict. In fact, how we speak to others can help build or wither relationships! And relationships are everything for life’s happiness. Whether it’s about how to find love, how to build trust, or how to communicate better at work, know that you choose how you treat people. And all of this impacts your ability to develop stronger relationships.

After having this a-ha moment, and reflecting on what my therapist told me, there are a few things that I now do when I find myself starting to get snappy with others. If you’ve found yourself in a similar situation when you’re stressed, you might also find this helpful.

Take a Pause

You’ll have heard me talk about the importance of taking more pauses in my blogs and videos. The simple act of deliberately slowing down by pausing before you say or do something can be so helpful in changing how you treat people. It allows you to stop for a quick moment to think about how you’re feeling, what you want to say, and how you want to say it — all before you actually share. Plus, it gives you a moment to focus on becoming more embodied which is so important. Essentially, by taking a pause in my interactions with others, I’m making better choices in how I treat others.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

I’ve also started to acknowledge and share that I am in a crappy mood. I will say to myself, “You’re on edge right now. You’re feeling frazzled and that’s because you’re stressed.” By being more honest and authentic with myself about what I’m feeling, I’m now better able to shift my energy to self-care practices that will help me to feel better. And these self-care practices ultimately bring me to a place where I can make better choices in how I treat others and myself.

Explore How You Want to Treat Others

The final practice I’ve started to use in moments when I’m feeling edgy and taking it out on others is reflecting on how I want the person to feel once I leave our interaction. Wow, what an eye-opening self-reflection exercise for changing how I treat others! Here are a few questions that I ask myself in moments of stress:

• How do I want to treat this person?
• How do I want to make this person feel?
• What can I do to make this exchange feel more respectful?

When I remind myself that I don’t want to make people feel crappy, I am very kind.

As I’m writing this blog, I have a bazillion things on my plate right now and, yup, I’m feeling cranky! But because of the practices I mentioned above, I’m being extra mindful about my interactions with others. And I feel good about this: knowing that I’m being kind in how I’m choosing to treat others. It’s about the interconnectedness of being.

The next time you’re feeling frazzled, what will you do to check in with yourself to ensure that you’re being more mindful in your interactions? What strategies will you use to alter how you choose to treat others?

The post We Choose How We Treat People appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Growing up, I knew that we were different from the other families in my neighborhood. As Sikhs (that’s the name of my faith — it’s pronounced Si-ckh and not Seek), we stood out because my father wore a bright red turban to cover his unshorn hair and my mother would sometimes wear a scarf to cover hers.

From constantly being stared at to being asked strange questions (e.g. Do you wash your hair with milk?) to often hearing overtly racist remarks, sometimes it was really hard to withstand the experience of being made to feel so different.

As an adult, being on receiving end of this type of behavior has lessened, however I’ve noticed the biases related to coming from a faith that wears religious head coverings continue on — beliefs like people thinking that Sikhs are oppressed, fanatical, and conservative. And as I share this about people from my faith, I know that the same biased, ignorant beliefs are held about people who are Muslim and Jewish.

In this video, I set the record straight by explaining (a) that wearing religious head coverings is a choice and (b) why it takes tremendous resilience, courage, and strength to do this in a society that judges us for it. Let’s reframe our thinking going forward!

Watch now!

The post What’s it Like to Come from a Culture that Wears Religious Head Coverings? appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Sometimes life can feel really hard. And by sometimes, I mean a lot of the time!

There’s conflict and war all around the world, oppressive laws are being passed that seriously harm LGBTQ+ communities (and especially trans people), the global pandemic continues to make life very difficult for so many, and so much more.

And then there are the personal challenges, which there can be no shortage of (for me, at least), which can leave you feeling so stressed, sad, and deflated.

Even though I’m an optimist  — one of my key anchors is the message that “Life is both hard and beautiful” — I keep coming back to this message again and again to get me through hard times.

And in fact, this really tough period has taught me a lot about the concepts of happiness and joy. For one thing, I don’t believe there’s such a thing as a permanent state of happiness (stay tuned for a video on this — I have lots to say here!). But I’ve also learned about a key ingredient to finding joy during tough times — and it’s not about toxic positivity!

In this video, I share my anchor for finding joy during difficult moments and what you can focus on to get you through tough times.

Watch now!

#ShineWithRitu #LiveAuthentically

The post What’s the Secret to Finding Joy When Life is Hard? appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.