I rarely get sick, but this time, it hit me hard. I couldn’t get out of bed, I felt really weak, and doing even simple things was tough. Lots of my friends reached out to offer their help but I said no. Other than accepting my partner Santosh’s care, I couldn’t bring myself to say yes to their support.

I’ve now reflected on some of the reasons why I turned them down when, in truth, I really could have used their TLC! It made me think about how many of us — particularly women — struggle with accepting help when it’s offered, let alone when we could be asking for it outright.

Why do we struggle to ask for help?

Growing up as a feminist, I absorbed the idea that to be a strong, independent woman I should handle everything on my own, and that being vulnerable and asking for help is a sign of weakness. Instead, I was socialized to believe that I should focus on offering my help to others.

I know now this messaging is both misguided and misogynistic, and that internalizing gender bias hurts me personally and professionally. We all need love and support from others. In fact, it’s essential for navigating this difficult journey called life. When we deny others’ love and care, it directly impacts our well-being and can hold us back from thriving.

But I want to go even deeper here and vulnerably share another reason I’m uncomfortable with asking for and receiving help. While growing up, I came to believe that I’m not worthy of others’ care. I know I’m not alone with this. Many of us hold this hurtful belief because of the conditional love that came our way both in our childhood and adulthood. Feeling unlovable can make it really hard to accept others’ care.

How can we get more comfortable asking for and accepting help?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since being sick, and I’ve also been working on changing how I respond when someone offers their help. And there are three things I’ve been doing that I want to share with you:

1. Understand your reasons for saying no

We need to know what’s getting in our way so that we can address the barriers that are preventing us from thriving. To figure out what’s at the root of your tendency to turn down others’ help, try engaging in deep self-reflection work. Here are a few tools to make this happen.

2. When you’re about to say no, say yes

So many of us are wired to automatically say “no thanks” when someone asks if they can help us. When you notice that you’re about to say these words, take a pause, engage in self-coaching, and say yes instead.

3. Identify what you need and then ask for it

I recently had some of my friends over for a big dinner. Many of them asked if there was anything they could do to help. And while the old Ritu would’ve said no, this time I said yes. I asked them all to bring either an appetizer or a dessert. The result was not only less work for me but also some kick-ass appetizers and delish desserts. It was a powerful affirmation of why doing our work to live better matters.

And while I’m talking about living better, I want to underscore that the most powerful healing work we can do to open up our hearts to others’ care is to engage in self-love. When we feel lovable, it unlocks our sense of worthiness. And when we feel worthy, we openly receive others’ love and support.

So the next time you feel yourself shying away from asking for or receiving help, tell yourself: I am worthy of love. And then ask yourself: what simple gesture of help could I allow into my life as a first step?

The post Do You Struggle to Ask for Help? You’re Not Alone appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I was reminded of the sometimes-negative impact of choosing to live more authentically recently while on Instagram (as you may know, I love posting stories on IG! I follow Jas Kaur, a fab Punjabi fitness trainer from Australia, who has been talking very openly on IG about her journey to be more authentic. And, in doing so, she’s been receiving a range of negative backlash from her online community and from some people in her personal life. She’s also been very open about this negativity and how she’s overcoming it, which is so refreshing. I’m inspired by her authenticity!

As you can see, when you decide to start living more authentically, some may hate on your decision to better know, embrace and be who you are. Even though you’re making these behavioral shifts to live better and to be happier, some may have an adverse reaction to your life changes. The unfortunate part is that this may cause you to question your choice to be more of who you are. 

Why Do People Hate on Our Authenticity?

There are two main reasons why people may have a hard time when you start to be more authentic. 

First, when you start to reveal more of who you are in your interactions, it’ll be a wake-up call for others if they’re not already living this way. They will feel your increased vulnerability and openheartedness, and they’ll be reminded that they want to live more authentically. But, due to fear, they’re holding back. And so, instead of doing the hard work to be more of who they really are, they push down their own desires and your authenticity. Basically, they want you to stop living this way because you’re reminding them that they’re not choosing to make critical life changes.

On a related note, living more authentically will lead you to feel more liberated, to radiate more confidence, and be happier! And while that’s amazing for you, others may be threatened by your radiance and happiness, rather than feel joy for you.  Instead, their envy or resentment may cause them to want to judge you. Or, perhaps even worse, they hold the mistaken belief that by tearing you down, they’ll feel better about their lives and choices they’ve made. But, as I’ve said before, tearing others down will never bring you true happiness.

You Then Feel Racked With Self-Doubt

When you feel like you’re being judged, it’s natural to doubt your decision to take steps to live more authentically. The negative energy you feel may lead you to question whether your new way of life is right for you. You’ll hear the gremlin – the voice in your head that spews negative self-talk – tell you that the haters are right, that you shouldn’t be courageous and bold in putting yourself out there. 

Ultimately, you may even want to go back to your old ways of conforming and masking who you are, because it feels easier. Which is why this is the time to stand in your power!

Shut Out The Noise!

This is a perfect time to reflect on how conforming and masking your true self led you to be miserable, and why your new way of living is critical for your happiness. You want to remind yourself of why you’ve taken the courageous step to be more vulnerable and authentic. You want a more meaningful and fulfilling life, that is filled with personal growth and genuine human connections.  

You get to decide your happiness through the choices you make, and that this choice will serve you well at the end of the day. So, basically, shut out the noise!

The post How to Overcome Negative Backlash When Living Authentically appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

I found myself being really snippy to people around me — particularly to people I didn’t know. I was snapping at my Uber drivers, the checkout people at the drug store, the customer service person on the phone, and more. Because I knew this was bad behavior, I’d walk away feeling crappy about how I acted and I could hear the voice in my head lashing out at myself. Basically, I was self-flogging and it sounded like, “that was a crappy thing you did there, you’re a horrible human.”

Of course, I took this to my therapist and she said to me “Ritu, you choose how you treat others — even when you’re stressed.”

What a powerful a-ha moment this was for me because, well, it’s spot on! We often know when we’re being unpleasant and we can choose to alter our behavior. We can choose to not take our frustrations out on others. We can choose to communicate effectively with others. Even if we’re in a disagreement with someone, we have the power of choice in how to lead a difficult conversation or engage in conflict. In fact, how we speak to others can help build or wither relationships! And relationships are everything for life’s happiness. Whether it’s about how to find love, how to build trust, or how to communicate better at work, know that you choose how you treat people. And all of this impacts your ability to develop stronger relationships.

After having this a-ha moment, and reflecting on what my therapist told me, there are a few things that I now do when I find myself starting to get snappy with others. If you’ve found yourself in a similar situation when you’re stressed, you might also find this helpful.

Take a Pause

You’ll have heard me talk about the importance of taking more pauses in my blogs and videos. The simple act of deliberately slowing down by pausing before you say or do something can be so helpful in changing how you treat people. It allows you to stop for a quick moment to think about how you’re feeling, what you want to say, and how you want to say it — all before you actually share. Plus, it gives you a moment to focus on becoming more embodied which is so important. Essentially, by taking a pause in my interactions with others, I’m making better choices in how I treat others.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

I’ve also started to acknowledge and share that I am in a crappy mood. I will say to myself, “You’re on edge right now. You’re feeling frazzled and that’s because you’re stressed.” By being more honest and authentic with myself about what I’m feeling, I’m now better able to shift my energy to self-care practices that will help me to feel better. And these self-care practices ultimately bring me to a place where I can make better choices in how I treat others and myself.

Explore How You Want to Treat Others

The final practice I’ve started to use in moments when I’m feeling edgy and taking it out on others is reflecting on how I want the person to feel once I leave our interaction. Wow, what an eye-opening self-reflection exercise for changing how I treat others! Here are a few questions that I ask myself in moments of stress:

• How do I want to treat this person?
• How do I want to make this person feel?
• What can I do to make this exchange feel more respectful?

When I remind myself that I don’t want to make people feel crappy, I am very kind.

As I’m writing this blog, I have a bazillion things on my plate right now and, yup, I’m feeling cranky! But because of the practices I mentioned above, I’m being extra mindful about my interactions with others. And I feel good about this: knowing that I’m being kind in how I’m choosing to treat others. It’s about the interconnectedness of being.

The next time you’re feeling frazzled, what will you do to check in with yourself to ensure that you’re being more mindful in your interactions? What strategies will you use to alter how you choose to treat others?

The post We Choose How We Treat People appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

In our society, conflict generally has a negative connotation. It’s common to think that the best way to have safe and secure relationships is to avoid all disagreements. Fewer disagreements means less fighting, equals happier relationships. Given this messaging, our bickering made me worry about the health and stability of my relationship.

As I always do, I spoke to my therapist about how I was feeling, and she told me that fighting isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Conflict is normal in any kind of relationship — it’s often the way we air our concerns, opinions, and grievances. In fact, research has shown that fighting may actually mean that we care and can be an indicator of increased intimacy, which enhances relationships.

It seems counter-intuitive, but arguments can, in fact, bring people closer together.

However, there is a big difference between a throw-down fight and a disagreement. In any conflict, miscommunications and mistakes do happen and feelings will get hurt. But there is a healthy way to argue that results in resolution, allowing you to feel closer to your partner, colleague, family member, or friend. What truly matters is not the number of arguments you have or even what they’re about — it’s how we fight that makes a difference.

So how do we deal with the tension in a healthy, constructive way? Here are three ways to manage relationship conflict the next time you find yourself in the middle of a fight.

Take a Pause

As I’ve mentioned before, when a conversation causes us stress, we typically react by wanting to jump in with the first words that come to mind (which are usually hurtful). We don’t give proper thought to what we are saying, how we are saying it, or the consequences that may follow. Taking a deliberate pause in the middle of a fight allows us to regroup, gather our thoughts, and check in with ourselves about what we really want to say and how we should say it.

(And if you’re worried that you’ve crossed a line, remember that you can always ask for a do over.)

Share Your Feelings

A lot of fights stem from our own insecurities, yet instead of sharing how we really feel, we often mask by being defensive or by showing anger, because it feels easier than showing shame or vulnerability. But it’s so important to speak our truths, not only to get to the root of the issue, but also because good relationships are about communication.

As my favorite love guru, Esther Perel, has said, when people fight, it’s really about the lack of “affection, respect, power… or some combination of [the] three.” We need the courage to share how we really feel. (If you need some tips on how to share your feelings, check out my other blog post here.)

Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes

The most important thing I’ve learned about fighting well is to acknowledge that the other person’s experiences are different from ours. We all have our own lens, and it’s easy to lose sight of that in the heat of the moment and assume what the other person is feeling or thinking (especially when they’re a loved one you know well).

By making a conscious effort to put yourself in their shoes, you might see where they are coming from. And when you do, chances are you’ll realize that they’re probably not the horrible person you painted in your mind, but that they’re coming from a good-hearted — but possibly wounded — place. By recognizing the other person’s interpretation of the situation, you might find that your own perspective changes, and suddenly you’re no longer fighting.

Conflict is bound to happen in any relationship where you care deeply about the other person. These are just a few ways you can deal with tension in a more constructive way that will make your relationships stronger.

The next time you face a fight, ask yourself these questions:

• How do I want to manage this situation?
• What are some questions I can ask myself and the other person?
• How will I frame what I say and how I say it?
• How will I mindfully listen to what they have to say?

The post How to Fight Better in Relationships appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

The holiday season is upon us, and for many people that means spending time with extended family for the first time in a very long time.

While the holidays can be difficult to manage even without the added stress of pandemic traveling, busy work schedules, and coordinating plans, this year’s holiday tensions could be even higher — especially if you’re someone who has family members that openly share their racist remarks, jokes, and views.

If you’re in this situation, it might be tempting to forgo the holidays altogether. But as an anti-racism educator and social justice activist who has personally been in similar situations, I can tell you that it’s so important to call out these types of behavior, especially with family members.

In this video, I share four strategies for dealing with racist family members and why it’s so important to have difficult conversations about racism with our loved ones.

Watch now!

The post Help! I Have a Racist Family appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

You get the picture! In these moments, if you’re like most people, you’ll likely start to feel the stress surge through your body, coupled with a deep sense of impatience. And once the impatience kicks in, it can take over and cause some pretty crappy behavior.

I know all about this! I can be very impatient at times, and it’s usually about silly, small things — like when I’m rushing from meeting to meeting and the person walking in front of me is slow or when I’m standing in line waiting for a food order. I’ve noticed that I can be particularly impatient when I’m traveling, especially when I’m tight for time. I can get really irritable and, although I hate to admit this, I might even be snippy sometimes to the service people I’m interacting with.

Argh, I know this isn’t great! And this is exactly why I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, why I’m working to change my behavior, and why I’m writing about it now.

We all know that being impatient doesn’t serve us or the people around us (especially if we’re being rude). In fact, being impatient only further exacerbates our stress levels, which feeds into harming our mental and physical health. When we’re calm, we make better choices. And you know that I’m all about making better choices in life!

So how do you work on being more patient so this can help bring your stress levels down? I’d like to share a few things I’ve learned.

Impatience is About Control 

First, it’s important to understand why you can sometimes be impatient, particularly in stressful situations. Impatience is often about control or, more specifically, about needing to be in control of situations and outcomes. In other words, impatience is a manifestation of frustration when you can’t control a situation. 

This mainly happens because you want to feel safe. It’s a natural tendency to try to control circumstances when you feel like you’re in danger, in order to rationalize your behavior, actions, and more. For example, I sometimes will micro-manage Uber drivers in an attempt to get to my destination more quickly, even though it’s my fault that I’m running late in the first place. But here’s a key life lesson I’m learning: we can’t govern every situation or outcome — it’s simply not possible!

Take a Pause 

You may have heard me talk about the power of the pause (and if you haven’t, check out this video on how taking a pause can transform the way you communicate!). Taking a moment to pause is one of the best things you can do for yourself when you’re feeling activated!  

Pausing will push you to slow down and bring yourself into the moment, which is critical for helping you to better track what you’re thinking. When you do this, you’ll be able to acknowledge that you’re annoyed at what’s happening around you and recognize that you’re being impatient — acknowledging this then helps you consciously change your behavior.

Tune Into Your Body 

When I feel waves of impatience and stress come over me, I do my best to tune into what my body is telling me. The body is a guidepost to how we’re reacting or feeling about a situation, especially if we are living in an embodied state. By living in an embodied state, we can better feel the sensations in our bodies which will help us to better settle and calm ourselves during feelings of impatience, stress and more.  

Whenever you hear the voice in your head start to rage because of impatience, you’ll want to immediately tune into where it’s physically showing up for you. Why? Because if you can calm your body, it’ll help you to calm your mind. 

For example, when I hear messages in my head saying, “Why is this taking so long?” I pay attention to what’s happening in my body. In those moments, I’ll often feel my shoulders tense up, my face gets hot, and I feel this heaviness on my chest. I will then either take deep breaths, sending energy to those regions of my body, or I’ll do some stretches right then and there to release the tension.  

Essentially, by tuning into what’s happening in your body, you can bring yourself into a more grounded state, and then have a more thoughtful response and reaction to a stressful situation.

Use Self-Coaching to Release the Stress You’re Feeling 

Self-coaching is an amazing strategy that you can use in moments when you need assurance or a pep-talk. You simply tell yourself the kind, compassionate, and reassuring things a beloved would share with you. For example, in moments of great impatience and stress, I will tell myself, “You’re safe. You’re not going to be late.” It can be extremely useful to plan these words of affirmation in advance so that they’ll be ready for you in stressful moments.  

The beauty of self-coaching is that you can do it anywhere and at any time and, with practice, it’s easy to improve at. It’s a great tool for building your confidence and overcoming your fears because it’s all about taking your power back! 

These stress management strategies can be really helpful when you’re feeling impatient! Not only will they help you feel less activated in stressful moments, but you’ll also be more conscious of being kinder to the people around you. 

So the next time you find yourself feeling stressed or impatient, what will you do to manage that moment? What will you do to tune into your body? What are the words you will use to coach yourself to better manage your moment of stress and be more patient? 

Remember that life is so much better when we feel less stressed and impatient. 

The post How to Be More Patient, Even When You’re Stressed appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

These past couple of years have been difficult for so many of us — especially on the career front. From the global pandemic (hello, burnout!) to job insecurity and now the “Great Resignation”, it feels more difficult than ever to navigate an authentic and fulfilling career.

From a career perspective, hating your job is one of the hardest places to be! I know firsthand what it’s like when you hate your job and don’t know what to do about it. I’ve been there before, where I’ve struggled with what to do with my career and finding my purpose (you can read about my multiple career identity transitions here).

It can be really challenging to be stuck in a job you don’t like, especially if you don’t know what to do next. But in good news, it doesn’t always have to be this way! There are a few things that you can do to make a smooth career shift.

In this video, I share my advice on what to do when you hate your job, as well as practical steps that you can take in order to make a smooth and effective career change.

And if you’re struggling with your career right now, know that it may take some time — but if you’re willing to do the work and stay true to your values, you’ll start to see some major changes in your life.

Watch now!

The post What to Do When You Hate Your Job appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

While it may seem that racially insensitive Halloween costumes aren’t that big a deal in comparison to, say, police brutality, it’s critical that we call out the full range of racial micro-aggressions and other manifestations of white supremacy. And this is why I wanted to address racist Halloween costumes, as it comes up every year without fail.

Whether it’s parents dressing their children in costumes based on outdated (i.e. racist) Disney characters or adults wearing costumes based on cultural stereotypes — like belly dancers or ninjas — it is a form of cultural appropriation and racism to dress up in other people’s cultural dress.

Cultural Appropriation on Halloween

Cultural appropriation occurs when an individual or group of individuals — typically from a dominant cultural group (for example, white people or heterosexual people) — adopt the customs, practices, ideas, or other elements of culture from another — typically disadvantaged or oppressed — group (for example, Indigenous peoples or members of the LGBTQ communities) in an insensitive, inappropriate, or unacknowledged manner.

To quote journalist Chelsea Candelerio, cultural appropriation occurs when “a person or group takes a group or a culture’s ideas, customs, or styles without acknowledgment or proper credit, sometimes even exploiting it for profit.” (Read her detailed article about cultural appropriation here.)

Cultural appropriation isn’t just limited to Halloween costumes — it shows up in myriad other ways, from “borrowing” or copying slang, fashion, and beauty ideas from historically oppressed groups, often without ever acknowledging the original influence, to what is happening in the wellness industry with yoga in particular.

So while a rapper or Pocahontas costume might feel fun, they’re actually highly problematic, and it’s important that white people in particular develop an equity lens in understanding why this is the case, rather than falling prey to white fragility.

So what can you do to ensure that you aren’t trivializing someone else’s culture or playing on the stereotypes of marginalized communities with your Halloween costume? First, ask yourself these questions:

1. Does this costume include culturally significant clothing, head coverings, jewellery, symbols or artifacts, tattoos and body markings, etc. from a culture that isn’t my own?
   
2. Does this costume involve painting your face black or brown (i.e. depictions of blackface)?
   
3. Could this costume be seen as insensitive or mocking towards marginalized groups? This includes people of color, Indigenous peoples, religious minorities, members of LGBTQ+ communities, people with disabilities, and more.
   
4. Is this costume based on cultural stereotypes?

And finally, if you’re already preparing an argument about how your costume is about cultural appreciation and not cultural appropriation, I highly recommend that you come up with another idea.

Nobody’s culture is a costume. We need to do better this Halloween.

The post My Culture is Not a Costume — Interrupt Racism During Halloween appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Many of us feel caught between the mixed messaging of “be yourself” in one breath and “change who you are” in the next breath. I struggled with this myself for years, and overcoming this challenge is what ultimately led me to write my book. While writing it, I developed a practical model called The Three Selves, that will help you to both navigate mixed messaging and to live more authentically even when it’s hard.

It’s an awesome tool to leverage, and I’m excited to tell you more about it!

Magic Happens When You Use The Three Selves

The Three Selves is a continuum that provides a more nuanced way of understanding authentic behavior. It shows that, rather than being either “authentic” or “inauthentic,” each of us possesses the following three selves: the Authentic Self, the Adapted Self, and the Performing Self.

Your Authentic Self

The Authentic Self is an expression of your core values, beliefs, needs, desires, thoughts, emotions, and traits — and how you would behave if you didn’t fear the consequences of your behavior. This is the truest reflection of who you are and, given this, being your Authentic Self feels amazing.

Think back to a time when you felt like you could really be yourself. Liberating, right? I feel like this when I’m having a deeply meaningful conversation with someone who I know isn’t judging me for what I’m sharing. When I’m putting the truth of who I am out into the world this way, I feel weightless.

Your Performing Self

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the Performing Self. This is who you are when you feel like you don’t have a choice but to conform or mask aspects of your true self. It’s the carefully constructed persona that you project to protect against what you fear will happen by being yourself.

I’m sure each one of us can think of a time when we’ve felt pushed to perform. This might mean changing the way you speak — for example, toning down your accent so that you’ll be taken more seriously. Or it could mean straightening your hair because you’ve been told your natural hair looks unprofessional. Or it could mean hiding your sexual orientation or desires from others — maybe even your own romantic partners — because you fear judgment. In any case, when you’re performing, it feels awful.

Your Adapted Self

Between these two ways of being lies the Adapted Self. This is the self that most of us have never contemplated, but that has the power to change our lives, and our perceptions of ourselves.

The Adapted Self is who you are when you make a choice to change an aspect of your behavior, in order to meet your own needs or others’ needs. When you adapt, you’re not driven by fear — you’re driven by an authentic desire to change your behavior. Because you’re making a choice willingly, it feels good to do.

Adapting can mean softening how you speak to a frustrating colleague because you don’t want to upset them. It can mean supporting your spouse in a hobby that bores you to tears because you know it’s meaningful to them. Or it can mean staying in a job you don’t love, but that pays well and has regular hours because you need stability to support your family. The Adapted Self still contains aspects of the Authentic Self, and because of this, it’s an empowering place to be.

Using the Three Selves to Live More Authentically

Recognizing who your Authentic Self is, where you struggle with Performing, and where you might be able to call on your Adapted Self, can have a great impact on your happiness. It can help you understand the choices you’re making, and guide you in making decisions that will better serve you.

Essentially, using The Three Selves will help you to live better. And you deserve that.

The post Want to Live More Authentically? You Must Use This Transformative Tool! appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Picture this: your child is telling you all about their day at school — what they learned, what they did with their friends, and more. Then all of a sudden your kid says something racist about one of their classmates.

You freeze up in shock and don’t know what to do. You’ve been trying your best to embody anti-racism in your parenting, and you’re surprised your kid made this comment. What do you do?!

In my inclusion work, parents often ask me for tips on what to do in these very situations. This topic comes up so often that I even did a webinar with one of the leading experts in this space, Dr. Eddie Moore, Jr., which you can check out here. In my conversation with Dr. Moore, he noted that oftentimes we avoid talking to children about racism out of fear. But the very act of avoidance ends up reinforcing racial bias, racism, and more.

In order to disrupt racism and racial bias, we must call out racist remarks — especially when they’re made by family members, friends, and even our children.

So to help you better prepare for these instances going forward (and they may happen — kids are just tiny humans after all!), in this video, I share some practical tips on what you can do when your kid says something racist.

The post Help! My Kid Said Something Racist appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.