In my book The Authenticity Principle, I explain the practice of “mindful listening” (which is like active listening but goes even deeper) and how it can make you a more effective and authentic leader. But mindful listening isn’t just for leaders. In any of our interactions with others — with family, lovers, friends, colleagues, bosses, customer service reps, you name it — mindful listening allows us to be more present, focused, and deliberate in our actions.

With mindful listening, you’re not only tuning in to your own needs and others’ needs — you’re also paying attention to everything that’s going on around you. This includes what the other person is saying, their body language, the energy they’re emitting, the feelings and body sensations you’re having, the thoughts in your head, and what’s happening in the environment around you. This requires a conscious shift from how most of us usually practice listening.

Ultimately, mindful listening helps us to form deeper, more authentic connections with people around us — improving our relationships overall and helping others to feel like they can be more authentic in our presence. Mindful listening will literally transform your relationships!

Different Types of Listening

Picture the following scenario: You’re out having dinner with a friend who seems to be repeating the same mistakes over and over again in her life. You feel like you’ve had the same conversation a million times before, and you’re frustrated. You’re thinking to yourself, “I can’t believe she’s doing this again. I would never do that. I would do XYZ instead. I’m going to tell her. But when will she stop talking?! Whatever. I’m going to interrupt her.”

This is an example of what I call “one-way listening” — anchoring to how we want to respond to the other person rather than taking in all of what they are communicating. It’s very self-focused, and it’s how most of us do our listening most of the time.

Another listening approach is what I call “two-way listening.” With this type of listening, you’re more focused on what the other person is saying. You’re paying attention to their words and body language, and you’re also tuned in to what you’re thinking and feeling.

In the above scenario with your friend, you’d say something to yourself like, “Hmm, she just said she agrees with me, but her body language makes me feel like she’s only saying it. I wonder if she’s saying it just to make me happy? It’s making me feel uncomfortable. Should I ask her what she really thinks? Maybe I shouldn’t. Or maybe I should? Hmm, I’m gonna leave it — we don’t have enough time to get into it.”

Some of us practice this type of listening some of the time. While it’s a better approach than one-way listening, it still doesn’t take in all of what the person is communicating, nor does it reflect how the environment around you could be impacting what’s being shared.

What Mindful Listening Looks Like

Mindful listening builds on how we usually listen (one-way or two-way listening) by using more of our senses and slowing down our thoughts to take in the situation in a more thoughtfully considered, non-judgmental way. With mindful listening, we fully absorb what’s taking place before deciding what to say or do.

In the scenario we’re considering, you would first reflect on what’s going on in the room. Is the restaurant crowded or noisy? Is the atmosphere uptight or relaxed? Is the waitstaff frequently nearby where they can overhear your conversation? How might these factors be impacting the way you and your friend are communicating?

You’d also consider how you’re feeling and how this is impacting your own communication. Are you at the end of a rough workday? Are you on edge from a fight you just had with your partner? Are you anticipating a difficult meeting the next morning? How are these feelings impacting your verbal and non-verbal communication?

Then, of course, you would fully consider how external and internal factors are impacting your friend and how she is communicating. You’d say to yourself something like this, “She seems to be off today — she’s speaking more quietly and slowly than usual and she’s hunched over in her chair. Hmm, I wonder if maybe she’s feeling really hurt by what’s going on in her life? In fact, now that I’m paying attention more, it seems that I’ve been speaking to her in kind of a preachy way when it comes to this issue, and not thinking about her emotions at all — probably because I’m stressed in my own life. It’s also really busy in here. Maybe when we’re in a more private place I’ll ask her about how she’s really feeling.”

Few of us take the time to practice this type of listening regularly, but doing so can have a profound effect on our interactions, how we connect with others, and how others connect with us.

How to Practice Mindful Listening

Here are a few strategies for listening mindfully:

• Pay attention to your breath.

  Ensure that you’re engaging in diaphragm breathing (for a description of how to do this take a look at my post on mindfulness). This technique will help you to relax both mentally and physically and allow you to better hear your thoughts, feel the sensations in your body, and be more aware of the environment you’re in.

• Tune in to how you’re feeling in the moment.

  What physical sensations are you feeling in your body and what do they mean? What thoughts are dancing in your head while the person is sharing? What’s happening in the environment that is impacting your experience? Is anything triggering you to perform? Do you feel forced to push down your Authentic Self out of fear?

• Tune in to the other person.

  Listen to their words (what are they saying?), pay attention to their body language (what non-verbal signals are they giving you?), and take notice of whether there’s a disconnect between what they’re saying and how they’re emoting or what their body language is communicating. Could anything you’re doing be triggering them to perform?

• Take in the environment with your senses.

  What’s happening in the room? Is anything happening that could be impacting how the person is sharing or how you’re receiving what the person is sharing? What might be happening that’s making it harder for you to be authentic or for the other person to be authentic?

• Take your time.

  Give the person you’re with the time and space to articulate what they want to say. Then give yourself time and space to do the same. You will offer a more genuine, authentic response to what they are expressing if you listen in this manner.

Next time you’re in a meeting, out with a friend, or even having an argument, try this listening technique and observe how it changes your experience. The difference might surprise you!

The post Want to Improve Your Relationships? Focus on Mindful Listening appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Fear can grip us in many ways. It causes us to self-censor, to push down our authenticity, to hesitate in reaching for opportunities, and more. Speaking from personal experience, fear can have a powerful impact on how we behave, but the good news is that these moments of fear are perfect opportunities to practice the power of self-coaching.

Self-coaching is the practice of pre-selecting words of affirmation, encouragement, and guidance that you can tell yourself when the gremlin in your head wants you to hold back. It’s a form of mental rehearsal, which we know is a clinically proven strategy for reducing stress. Essentially, it’s a strategic way of giving yourself a pep talk when you need it most.

Self-coaching is a great tool for building your confidence and overcoming your fears, because it’s all about taking your power back. You don’t need to rely on anyone or anything else to support you — you have all the tools you need to help yourself!

Here are three ways you can get started with self-coaching.

Start with Mindfulness

As with many (if not all!) other forms of self-work, mindfulness is essential for knowing when to self-coach. Mindfulness is the practice of tuning into the present moment to gain awareness of what you’re thinking, feeling, and sensing — all in a non-judgmental way.

When we experience moments of fear or panic, our nervous system is activated, and we enter into a fight, flight, or freeze response. When this happens, the physical symptoms of stress can impair aspects of our cognition and decision-making. By practicing mindfulness, we can slow down, hear what’s happening in our mind, and be in greater control of how we speak and behave.

After practicing mindful awareness of your thoughts for a while, you’ll have a better idea of the kinds of situations in which you’re likely to experience negative narratives. It’s in those situations that you’ll want to have self-coaching on standby.

Then, whether your fear is caused by a negative narrative you’ve internalized (“You’re not good enough”), a self-limiting belief that you hold about yourself (“I can’t do this”), or feeling pressure to behave like someone you’re not (“Don’t show your true feelings”), self-coaching can help you to behave or speak in a way that will serve you better and is in alignment with your Authentic Self.

Use Mantras and Affirmations

A mantra or positive affirmation is a statement of reinforcement that you can use strategically to keep you grounded, rooted, and calm during moments of stress. You can choose something simple to practice and call upon when you need it most. For example, during tough moments I use the mantra “I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m great, I’m great.”

You can also use mantras or affirmations during vulnerable moments. For example, the first time I said “I love you” to my partner, self-coaching really helped me! Firstly, I was terrified, because one of my own negative narratives is a fear of being unlovable. Secondly, when the moment arrived and I knew I had to tell him, my body was telling me to run far, far away (which I clocked using mindfulness)! Eventually, I called on the power of self-coaching to push through the nerves, and using the mantra, “I am love, I can do this!” to encourage myself, I was able to push through and express my true feelings. And I can tell you, it was a very rewarding feeling.

You don’t have to use these exact affirmations, and in fact, I encourage you to come up with your own! Choose something unique to you that will help make you feel more grounded during moments of fear or stress.

Challenge Your Negative Narratives

When it comes to challenging negative narratives and long-held fears, sometimes a positive statement isn’t enough. In these cases, it’s important to focus on giving yourself concrete evidence of the positive truth you want to be thinking instead.

For example, if you suffer from impostor syndrome (like I occasionally do when I present to audiences), your negative narrative might sound something like, “I can’t believe I’m up on a stage in front of 500 people right now. What if they think I’m stupid?” This negative narrative is hard to overcome with a simple, “You got this, girl!”

It can be more powerful to take stock of your accomplishments and use them as evidence to unlearn your negative narratives and instead start to internalize a positive truth about yourself. In the example above, I would beef up a positive, encouraging thought by adding evidence of my worthiness, for example: “I am qualified to be on this stage. I have presented over 1,000 times in my career. I’ve got this!”

Sometimes this kind of reality check is what we need to ground us and make us feel stronger, and the more often we do it, the more powerful and worthy we feel! It may not come naturally to you at first, but by practicing this essential self-coaching tool, soon you’ll learn to recognize the negative thought patterns that are fueling your fears and have the tools at your disposal to quickly disrupt them.

Feeling confident and self-assured in the face of our fears is something that everyone struggles with, but these techniques will help you to self-coach the next time the gremlin in your head makes an appearance. By practicing mindfulness, using personal affirmations and mantras, and focusing on positive truths, you’ll soon find that your fears are encouraging you instead of holding you back.

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Through belonging, we experience feelings of acceptance, love, connection, meaning, purpose, inclusion, kinship, and more. But belonging actually isn’t about fitting in, which some of us mistakenly believe it to be — it’s about being accepted for who we are.

In Brené Brown’s important book on vulnerability, The Gifts of Imperfection, she shares her insights on the significance of belonging, which she defines as “the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.” She notes that “fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

As Brown eloquently highlights, we are inclined to alter our behavior to become whoever we need to be in order to fit in and be accepted into a tribe. Our desire to belong may cause us to perform so that we can better access the experiences and feelings that come with membership in a tribe. The challenge is that, when we perform in order to belong, we’re not accepted based on who we truly are. It’s a false sense of belonging, which causes us to feel continued pressure to conform and mask — because if we don’t, our membership in the tribe may be threatened.

And this difference between fitting in and belonging strikes at the heart of the Authenticity Principle: the Performing Self is about fitting in because you feel that you have to change your behavior or mask who you are in order to be accepted by others, while the Authentic Self and the Adapted Self are about belonging because you’ve chosen to behave in such a way that reflects your authenticity and needs, and others have accepted you on the basis of this truth.

In practicing authenticity and fulfilling your related desire to belong to a range of social tribes, it’s essential that you have a clear understanding of

• why you seek membership in a particular tribe,
• to what extent you are able to be your Authentic Self and Adapted Self in order to belong in that tribe, and
• the negative impact of performing.

Key message here: never let fitting in take the place of true belonging.

***

This post is an excerpt from chapter 4 of The Authenticity Principle: Resist Conformity, Embrace Differences, and Transform How You Live, Work, and Lead. Learn more about the book here.

The post Why “Fitting In” Is Different Than Belonging appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

What I’ve noticed consistently in my work is this: so many of us want to change how we behave in order to live happier lives and to create lasting change, but we find it so hard to make this happen. We yearn for things to be different, but we often don’t know how to get there, and unfortunately, the advice we typically receive to change our lives — “just follow your dreams” or “just be yourself” or “focus on being positive” — often isn’t constructive enough to help us.

What we really need is a practical way to create behavioral change in our lives so that we are more in alignment with how we want to be living. And that’s where a framework that I call the Seven Behavioral Dimensions comes into play. If you want to live your best, you need to master the Seven Behavioral Dimensions.

Understand Your Behavior, Change Your Life

In my book The Authenticity Principle, I talk in detail about a concept I’ve developed called the Seven Behavioral Dimensions. These dimensions reflect seven behavioral areas in which we make decisions, both consciously and unconsciously, about how to act at any given time.

In particular, all day long you’re deciding both consciously and unconsciously about how you want to behave across seven areas including how you express your emotions, how you communicate non-verbally, how you speak, your appearance, your actions, and more. (You can learn more about them here.)

Understanding how you’re currently behaving in each of the Seven Behavioral Dimensions is an important foundation for understanding what changes you need to make in your life to get you closer to where you want to be. Once you understand the reasons for your behavior, you then have the knowledge to begin making big changes in your life.

Here’s my question for you: how are you currently showing up in each of the Seven Behavioral Dimensions?

Small Behavioral “Nudges” Will Change How You Act and How You Think

In her book, Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges, Amy Cuddy describes the act of making small behavioral changes as “self-nudging.” She explains that self-nudges are minimal modifications to your behavior, which are intended to produce small psychological and behavioral improvements in the moment (for example, sitting more upright or placing your hands on your hips when speaking — behavior that will lead you to feel more confident — rather than starting with full-blown power posing). They are tiny tweaks with the potential to lead to big changes over time.

Cuddy explains that self-nudges are very powerful because they’re small and require minimal psychological and physical commitment, and the real magic is that while we think our attitudes will change our behavior, the reverse is true as well — attitudes follow from behaviors.

To take this a step further, when you change your behavior, it ultimately changes your thoughts and mindset.

Break Down Your Behavior

Looking closely at how you are showing up in each of the Seven Behavioral Dimensions will help you understand the conscious and unconscious decisions you’ve been making about how you show up. It will also help you connect the dots on where you should be “self-nudging” in order to get closer to being in alignment with how you want to behave.

Think about what you want to have happen in your life and about what’s most important to you. Do you want to attract friends you can be yourself around? Do you want to get your dream job? Do you want to live more authentically? Do you want to better connect with your children? Do you want to live a values-based life?

When you know what kind of change you want to make, then you can use the Seven Behavioral Dimensions to build yourself a practical plan for change. For example, if your goal is to better connect with your children, you might note that you currently spend little time exploring your kids’ passions. Now that you’re aware of your behavior, you can consciously start engaging in activities with your kids that enable you to learn more about their needs and wants.

If your goal is to live a life that reflects your value of kindness, you might note that when you’re stressed at work, you’re letting it affect how you speak to your colleagues (you tend to be very direct when stressed). In the “words you use” dimension, you might decide to invoke a deliberate pause before speaking to be more mindful of the impact of your words.

The key is to start small. Choose a manageable number of incremental changes that will give you small wins and help get you comfortable with living differently. Over time, you can move on to more challenging behavioral adjustments.

So here’s my takeaway question for you: what are the small behavioral nudges you want to make across each of the Seven Behavioral Dimensions?

The important thing to remember is that you are in the driver’s seat when it comes to your behavior. You have all the tools you need to change your life!

The post Want to Change Your Life? You Must Do This appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

When this is how you approach conversations, you’re probably not listening to the other person very closely, and you may not be putting your best foot forward. Or worse — you might say something you’ll kick yourself for later, especially if you’re in a conflict (like in an argument) or under pressure (like in a job interview).

So what can you do to improve your communication skills in order to have more effective — and enjoyable — conversations?

You can start by making use of what I call the power of the pause.

The power of the pause — the act of slowing down and taking a deliberate pause before speaking — is simple. When it’s your turn to speak and you find your mind racing, take a moment to think before responding. You can even name it by saying, “I just want to pause for a moment and think about this.” Then take a few breaths and check in with yourself.

Taking a pause will help you to be more thoughtful in your words and to foster a better connection with the person you’re talking to. That’s the power of the pause.

Here are a few productive ways to check in with yourself during the pause that will help you communicate more effectively with others.

Consider Your Response

We all learn the hard way that you can’t unsay something you’ve said. I’ve certainly found myself blurting things out during conflict that I immediately regretted (hello, fights with my family!). But once you’ve let the words go, they float out of your reach and you can never get them back. When you invoke the pause, you’re more in control, even when you’re emotionally activated.

First reflect on what you’re responding to. You can ask yourself, “Is my immediate interpretation of this person’s words correct? Or is there more going on?” This is an aspect of mindful listening, where we consider the myriad factors that could be influencing a person’s words, including their emotions, their environment, and more.

Then you can reflect on what your gut is telling you to say. Is this something you want to say in the moment, save for later, or never say at all? What words might better serve you in the moment?

Focus on Being Authentic

In my book The Authenticity Principle, I introduce the concept of the Seven Behavioral Dimensions. The Seven Behavioral Dimensions, a range of areas where we can visibly and tangibly showcase our authenticity, are a practical way to check in with how authentic you’re being in any given moment — and three of these dimensions directly impact your conversations: the words we use when we speak, how we speak (our volume, tone of voice, and more), and the content we share.

Often, especially under stress, we’re triggered to perform, that is, to mask or hide how our authentic self wants to behave because we fear others’ judgments.

But when we take a pause, we have the power to catch ourselves in a moment of performing before we say something that doesn’t match our true selves. Then we can choose whether to be fully authentic or adaptive in what we say.

During your pause, consider whether what you’re about to say is in alignment with your Authentic Self. If how you speak or the content you share is one of your “must-do” areas for being authentic, this will be an especially important check-in for you.

Pay Attention to What Your Body is Saying

Our emotions greatly influence what’s happening in the body, and we can use these bodily sensations as a guidepost for how we’re feeling in any given moment.

When you pause, tune in to your body and ask yourself what it’s telling you about your emotions. Is your stomach in a knot? Are your shoulders up by your ears? Are you taking short, shallow breaths in your upper chest? Is your heart racing? These signs, and others, will tell when your body is in fight, flight, or freeze — if it is, you’re likely to be emotionally reactive to your situation.

Fortunately, when you catch yourself in this state using mindfulness, you can bring yourself back down to a grounded state and have a more thoughtfully considered response. Taking a few deep belly breaths is a good way to calm your body, gain control of your mind, and mindfully consider what to say.

Leverage Self-Coaching

Sometimes we know what we want to say back to someone, but we’re afraid to say it.

This can happen in many situations — for example, if you want to share your opinion at work, but suffer from self-limiting beliefs that cause you to self-censor. Or if you want to share your true feelings with your partner, but deep down you fear that you don’t deserve to have your needs met.

When you catch yourself in these moments, ask yourself what it is you’re afraid of. Then you can use your pause to self-coach in the form of positive affirmations. Tell yourself encouraging words like, “You can do this! You’ve worked here for two years, you have good ideas, and you’re worthy of sharing them.” Or “My feelings are valid, and I deserve to feel heard in this moment.”

If you plan your words of affirmation in advance, even better. They’ll be ready for you in difficult situations.

Practicing the Pause

Like all forms of mindfulness, the more often you practice the pause, the better you’ll get at using it to improve how you communicate with others. In turn, you’ll improve your confidence with communicating in any situation and boost how you feel about yourself.

So the next time you’re in a heated situation — whether it’s a job interview, a team meeting, an argument, or an emotionally charged conversation — use the power of the pause to guide you.

The post Want to Communicate Better in Your Relationships? Here’s a Must Do! appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

As an advocate for authentic living, I’m constantly exploring the barriers that get in the way of us being who we are. Lately I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the adverse impact that toxic relationships have on our ability to be authentic and here’s what I can tell you: being part of a toxic relationship — one that makes us feel extremely bad about who we are — can push us into a place of performing, where we end up changing or masking aspects of our identity in order to gain acceptance, affection, love, and more.

Ultimately, we may end up feeling unsafe in our relationships to share openly and be who we are. This is another important reason for why you want to examine if you have toxic dynamics in your life.

How to Tell If a Relationship is Toxic

One of the most effective ways to tell if a relationship is toxic and is stifling your authenticity is to use your body as a guidepost. Your body is one of the most powerful weapons you have in your arsenal to combat toxic experiences, because it will signal to you whether being around a particular person is causing you to feel unsafe, unwell, upset, and more.

When I say use your body as a guidepost, I’m talking about leveraging mindfulness to tune into what you’re feeling and sensing in your body when you’re interacting with people in your life. It’s like taking a snapshot of your emotions and body sensations in any given moment so that you can measure to what extent you feel safe, comfortable, settled, and able to be your Authentic Self.

With some practice, you’ll start to see that your body will tell you which of your relationships feel loving and safe and enable you to be yourself (whatever that feels like for you. For example, like flying, warm flutters through the heart and chest area, a joyous buzz throughout the body) — what I like to call “cloud relationships”— and which of your relationships cause you to feel negative sensations and to push you to perform (for example, nausea, heaviness in the chest, tingling at the back of the neck, muscle tightness, sweating, irritated digestive system, and more).

For example, when I find myself in a toxic dynamic, I physically recoil at the thought of being in that person’s company. I will feel anxiety pounding in my chest, and a strong desire to leave the room will pulse through me (the “flight” of fight, flight, or freeze — aka nervous system activation).

On the other hand, when I’m around people I adore and whose energy enables me to feel safe enough to be supremely vulnerable, I feel like a warm, mushy marshmallow, melting in the warmth of love and acceptance.

Once you’ve learned how to clock these sensations in your body and have taken some time to note them, you’ll likely see patterns. If you’re feeling bad and pushed to perform regularly with certain people, it’s probably time to act.

Breaking Up with Toxic People

When I was in my late twenties and early thirties, my “crew” was a group of friends that I’d made in university. Over the years, we partied and had fun together non-stop across a range of experiences, and we had some very special moments together. But eventually I started to notice that it was feeling harder and harder for me to be myself in their company and I felt like I was being judged for who I was.

For example, while we were hanging out, my passion for social justice issues would naturally come up in conversation (for example, becoming enraged and starting to rant when racist bouncers wouldn’t let us into a club because of our skin color), and I would vent about racism and White supremacy. In response, some of my then-friends would roll their eyes and make comments like, “She’s so radical,” or they would groan and say, “There she goes again,” and more.

As these moments became more frequent, and I felt less like I could be my Authentic Self with my friends, I knew I had to do something. It was around this time that I went to do my yoga teacher training at an ashram in India, which led me to start a new chapter of my life. I promised myself that I would rid my life of experiences and relationships that caused me to feel bad about who I was.

As part of this commitment, I deeply struggled with what to do about this friend group. I was very afraid of letting go of this group because I worried that I’d end up sitting at home on weekends feeling like a “loser.” But I had to be true to how I was feeling, so I made the super gutsy decision to break up with them. This meant having some tough, awkward conversations letting people know why I was no longer going to spend time with them.

As you can imagine, it was really hard letting go of my old social life. But as I began to build new friendships with people who valued me for my Authentic Self, I knew it was the right choice. And of course, my fears of becoming a “loser” were unfounded. In fact, clearing time and space in my life made room to build new relationships with people who loved my feisty, activist ways.

Through this experience I learned that sometimes letting go of relationships is critical to living a healthier life.

Drawing Boundaries in Toxic Relationships

With family and co-workers, breaking up is not always an option. In these cases, the healthiest thing to do to protect yourself and stay true to your authenticity is to draw boundaries. When doing so, the key is to determine what you will and won’t do with this person in order to feel safe.

Here are a few key strategies that I have found to be very helpful in drawing boundaries in relationships that feel toxic when ending the relationship isn’t a realistic option:

• Limit the length and frequency of your conversations
  
• Steer clear of certain topics
  
• Hang out in group settings where you have other people present to act as buffers
  
• Meet them on neutral territory (not in their home or yours)
  

In drawing boundaries, you’ll find that you’re better able to look out for your own best interests while maintaining a more limited level of contact with the person who is making you feel threatened. There could still be difficult moments within these relationships (as there are in any relationship), but by setting boundaries you’ll feel more empowered in your interactions and less drained than before.

Managing toxic relationships is hard work, and sheesh, does it take guts! But for me, drawing boundaries and ending toxic friendships has made room for more meaningful relationships that make me feel connected, valued, and loved for who I am.

I can tell you that taking the time to rid yourself of toxic relationships will make you healthier, happier, and better able to be yourself.

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So recently, when a client asked me for advice on how a leader should physically position themselves to facilitate more inclusive meetings, the answer quickly flowed out of me, because body language and body positioning is something I often think and teach about in the context of career advancement.

As a woman of color, I’ve often been forced to think about how I claim physical space in my professional life. I’ve become an expert on it — not just because I teach leadership for a living, but because in order to be seen, heard, and respected as a woman of color in workplaces, I’ve had to pay extra attention to this aspect of how I present myself in order to gain respect and be taken seriously. In a nutshell, how we use our bodies matters, and it’s so important for women of color to claim physical space.

Women of color have intersecting identities, and as a result, we are on the receiving end of both gender bias and racial bias. As I’ve said before, the impact of this bias on how we experience the world is real — and because of this, many of us have developed personal strategies for navigating around this reality.

Now you might be thinking, “I’m the one experiencing bias here and, on top of that, it’s on me to take steps to deflect it?!” Having to take proactive steps to shield against bias as a woman of color, feels like adding insult to injury, and I totally get it. In fact, I think often about how shitty it is to experience the burden of the oppressed, a phrase that I first heard from my fellow social justice activist Jeewan Chanicka, and which I think about all the time.

That said, I’ve seen how helpful it’s been to my own career development to actively shield against bias. I’ve found that one of the most effective ways to do this is to consciously and deliberately take up physical space — using body language and body positioning — in ways that assert my power and make others more likely to notice me in a positive way.

Here are a few of the ways that we as women of color can strategically claim physical space in our work lives as a means of standing in our power, being seen, and projecting authority.

Sit in Your Power at Meetings

One of the biases often leveled at women of color is that we’re not seen as being authoritative, and we’re not associated with positions of power. To combat this, when I’m running a meeting, I always try to sit at the head of the table to signal my power in the room.

I also tend to perch on the edge of my chair, lean my body forward, and use expansive/animated arm gestures to command attention and take up more physical space. It also helps me to sit with my spine straight and my shoulders relaxed with my feet flat on the floor (which also has the benefit of promoting deep breathing). (This applies to virtual meetings too!)

If you’re not in a leadership position, consider sitting next to the leader. You’re more likely to be alert and present during the meeting if you sit there, and you’re more likely to be noticed too, since everyone will already be looking in that direction.

When you speak, use your body language to take up physical space — sit up straight, lean forward, and use hand or arm gestures to the degree that feels natural and comfortable for you. All of this helps to signal authority and presence, which ultimately should help you to be taken seriously and viewed as powerful by others.

Use Power Poses for Confidence and Presence

In her research on the effectiveness of power poses, the formidable Amy Cuddy emphasizes that your body changes your mind, your mind changes your behavior, and your behavior changes outcomes. Whether you’re presenting in front of a group, attending an event, or having a discussion with a colleague in the hallway, how you position your body while standing can have a profound impact on how others perceive you — and how powerful you yourself will feel.

In her book Presence (which I refer to in The Authenticity Principle), Cuddy explains how putting yourself into a power position (standing up straight, feet hip-distance apart, facing forward, hands on your hips — think tadasana or “mountain pose” in yoga) will automatically help to decrease cortisol (the stress hormone) and increase testosterone (the confidence hormone), which will help you feel more empowered.

To learn more about how you can use power poses, check out Cuddy’s awesome TED Talk.

Assert Yourself in Groups — Even When It’s Tough

Whenever I am in a group setting, particularly if I’m one of the only women of color, I’m alive to the fact that I may not be seen or heard unless I’m deliberate about it.

I can remember one women’s leadership event I went to that was attended exclusively by white women (and me). At the event, I felt overlooked, ignored, and disrespected by the attendees that I introduced myself to. It was years ago, and I haven’t forgotten the pain of that experience to this day. Unfortunately, this will sound familiar for many women of color.

There may not have been much I could do to overcome the biases present at that event, but in general there are a few things we can do to shield against bias and prevent ourselves from being overlooked in group settings.

Firstly, when you join circles of conversation, don’t hang towards the back — insert yourself assertively, and stand next to the person who’s talking. Next, make sure you speak at least once in the discussion, and when you do, speak loudly enough to be heard.

Don’t hold back in being yourself when you speak — be authentic and let your spirit shine through. If you’re struggling with confidence or nerves in this kind of situation, use the power of self-coaching (positive, encouraging words) to guide yourself through.

Facing the realities of insidious gender and racial bias (and the intersectionality of the two!) is incredibly difficult to withstand. Being overlooked and undervalued hurts, and it feels especially unfair that as women of color we must go to greater lengths to ensure that our voices are heard and our presence is felt.

But at the end of the day, you deserve to live the life that you want and to thrive in your career. And you can by knowing that you are worthy and literally claiming your space.

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I’ve been very open about my personal experiences with stress, mental health challenges, and heartache, and in particular, some really bad breakups — including a particularly nasty one involving an ex-partner’s web of infidelity.

Looking back, it’s hard to believe that I made it through these horrible situations in one piece. But I’m a firm believer that it’s how we handle life’s challenges that really defines us, and so I look back on my own adversity with gratitude: I survived it all, and I’m still me.

The Power of Choice in Struggle

In Man’s Search for Meaning, Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Victor Frankl explains his view that, while terrible circumstances can bring out the worst in people, ultimately, “Man’s inner strength may raise him above his outward fate.”

Which way we go, he says, comes down to the choices we make when faced with adversity. No matter what life sends our way, says Frankl, we always retain our power of choice. We can decide how we are going to respond, and it’s in these decisions that our character is revealed.

Of his experiences at Auschwitz, Frankl says, “There were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self.”

In facing one of the worst situations imaginable, Frankl still saw how individuals could exercise their free will in incredibly meaningful ways.

We can all take a critical life lesson from Frankl’s observations: no matter our circumstances, we always have control over what we do next — even if that action is in the confines of our minds.

Staying Grounded During Adversity

One of the key things that determine how we respond during times of struggle is knowing who we are and understanding our purpose in life. When we have a strong sense of self and know who we are, we have a firm foundation from which to make decisions about how to handle life’s challenges. Knowing what our authentic self needs and desires, and having a strong grasp of our values, roots our decision-making in something meaningful and unchanging.

Similarly, when we understand our purpose in life, we know what we want to contribute to the world, which will inform every decision we make. Staying grounded in our purpose also helps us to find meaning in whatever situation we are presented with — good or bad.

Frankl says that when we tap into our inner strength, we can even find meaning in our suffering. This allows us to retain our personal power in even the bleakest of circumstances.

Reframing Challenging Situations through Mindfulness

As humans, it’s easy to get caught up in our pain (Dr. Rick Hanson says that our brains are wired to be “like Velcro” for negative experiences). For example, I’ve mentioned my struggle to let go of negative emotions following a tough breakup. Often we feel that what’s happening to us is an injustice, and we actively resist it. But in focusing on the negative, we are cutting off our own potential for growth and learning. Not only that, but railing against our circumstances saps us of our strength and distracts us from making decisions that are in line with our authentic selves.

Mindfulness offers a different path. Rather than dwelling on our suffering (which actually prolongs it and makes the experience worse) we can draw on our inner strength to have a healthier, more positive response to our situation. In using mindfulness, we still acknowledge the shittiness of what we’re going through, but instead of getting stuck in the experience, we can keep our attention on the bigger picture.

Mindfulness is so important when it comes to having a more positive response. In observing our thoughts and reactions non-judgmentally, we can identify where we’re leaning into our pain, and where we might be able to reframe our perspective more positively. We can ask ourselves, “How can I see this experience in a positive light?” Or at the very least, “What can I learn from this situation?”

Often the only way out of a painful circumstance is through it — and in cultivating our inner strength, we can find meaning on the other side.

We’re all facing challenges in our lives right now, but how we respond to those challenges tells the world so much about who we are. And if you’re really struggling, it’s ok. Think about how you can reframe your viewpoint and stay true to your inner self in how you respond to it.

You can get through this by staying connected to your authentic self.

The post Your Struggles Don’t Define You — But How You Deal with Them Does appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Many years ago, when I decided that authenticity was going to be one of my guiding values, I started to apply what I call the “I Don’t Give an F Plan” to everything I did. The “I Don’t Give an F Plan” is very simple: it basically means that you stop worrying about what others think.

It means letting go of how others may judge you or perceive you for how you live. It means living in accordance with what makes you happy and what makes you who you are. It means feeling free to be your perfectly imperfect self, and if you want to feel free, unencumbered, and empowered then this is the plan for you!

I started living by this plan when I was writing The Authenticity Principle. In doing the deep self-reflection work required to write the book, I realized that even though I had come a long way in living authentically since my younger years, I was still holding back in certain areas because I feared the judgment of others.

But I didn’t want to hold back anymore. I wanted to live the way I wanted to live in every way possible! I wanted to stop giving an F. So I did.

In this video, I talk about what makes the “I Don’t Give an F Plan” so satisfying and give you some tips and tricks so you can learn to stop giving an F and start living your best.

Watch now!

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I’ve received lots of professional guidance over this period, but the single best piece of career advice that I’ve ever received is this: always spend less than you make.

Why is this the best nugget of advice I’ve ever received? Because spending less than you make will ultimately give you the financial freedom to take almost any job you want, instead of being stuck in a job you hate.

I can’t remember who gave me this advice (although it definitely aligns with the mentality of my immigrant parents!), but I do know that consistently living well below my means has served me in countless ways. Following this advice is what eventually enabled me to pursue the career of my dreams (because I had saved enough to take a leap) and live in accordance with my values and my purpose.

If I hadn’t followed this advice, chances are, my life would look very different.

Resisting the Pressure to Spend

At first, living below my means was not too difficult for me because it’s how I grew up. My immigrant parents taught me to live a frugal and waste-free life — searching for bargains, reusing things, reducing consumption, and forgoing designer brands were all par for the course in our household.

It was when I first entered the legal profession in my early twenties that I was confronted by a culture of rampant spending. I was surrounded by young people who had just come into large salaries, and many of them were spending their money (all of their money) on flashy things.

Despite the pressure to fit in by spending (and I do love bling!), I resisted and continued to live very frugally up until my late thirties. From the moment I graduated from school, I began paying off my student loans and saving a good chunk of my income.

Some of my friends who were spending all kinds of money on flashy things would call attention to it, but I didn’t care because I never felt deprived — I was still able to live well! When it came to clothes, the sale rack was my best friend, and I still managed to look nice and well put together (and btw, I still love sales!).

When everyone around me was buying 50-inch flat screen TVs, I kept my clunky hand-me-down TV until it almost stopped working. When I bought my first property, I chose a modest condo that I could afford and lived there for thirteen years without upgrading. While many of my work colleagues drove BMWs, I delayed buying my first car until my mid-thirties, and then opted for a “fun and functional” car instead of a fancy one.

Most importantly, while others around me were settling into high-spending lifestyles, I had started to build a financial safety net.

Saying No to Golden Handcuffs

The biggest benefit of always living below your means is that you’ll build a sustainable lifestyle for yourself — one that will afford you more options and flexibility over the course of your life.

When you spend every single cent of what you earn — or more, if you’re like many people in our culture — it’s likely that you’ll become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. The problem is that it’s exceptionally hard to go backwards. You might fall prey to “golden handcuffs” — becoming so accustomed to your expensive lifestyle that you’re trapped in your job, unable or unwilling to lose your higher salary. In turn, your life choices will be limited.

When you drive a fancy car, wear expensive clothes, take luxury vacations, and engage in expensive pastimes, you’re also more likely to socialize with people who have similar lifestyles. This binds you even tighter to your salary because you’ll likely feel pressure to keep up with your friends and a lot will be at stake if you decide to alter how you live.

There are also spiritual consequences to spending beyond your means. It’s human nature to search for meaning in life,  but filling the void with material things (as our culture and social systems so often demand) will simply never quench that thirst. Instead, it becomes an endless search — a cycle of always needing more and relentlessly keeping up with the Joneses.

Focusing Inward Instead of Outward

In being committed to living well below my means throughout my early career, I was able to focus more time on growing my personal power than on keeping up with social demands. I spent my time with like-minded friends, cultivated my passion for social justice through volunteer work, and worked on myself — through meditation, therapy, group healing, self-reflection, and more.

Because I was focused on filling my heart and soul with things that were truly meaningful to me, during the first decade and a half of my career I came closer to understanding myself and living authentically, which allowed me to realize that I wanted to switch careers a few times. Had I not been living below my means, ultimately I would not have had the financial freedom required to leave my highfalutin job in the legal industry (and bi-weekly salary) and make the leap into entrepreneurship (going without a paycheck for nearly a year).

I’m so grateful that I did.

Exploring Your Relationship with Money

Always live below your means is the piece of advice I would pass along to anyone who wants to build a fulfilling life and career on their own terms. I suggest asking yourself a few key questions to explore your own relationship with money:

• Do you currently spend below, at, or beyond your means?
  
• Is your spending in line with your needs and your values?
  
• Do you ever find yourself buying material things because of social pressure or a desire to measure up? How do these purchases ultimately make you feel?
  
• What is one expense you could eliminate today that would make you feel freer?

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