Purpose is everything! It’s what helps us find meaning in our lives when we’re struggling with personal challenges and what motivates us to keep going when the world feels overwhelming (like right now…).

I have personally struggled with knowing who I am, living authentically, and reconciling my cultural identities, and I’d be the first to tell you that finding your purpose isn’t always easy. But as I share in this #ShineWithRitu video, finding our purpose is critical for living our best life. I hope it inspires you to do the same!

Watch now!

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I was reminded of the sometimes-negative impact of choosing to live more authentically recently while on Instagram (as you may know, I love posting stories on IG! I follow Jas Kaur, a fab Punjabi fitness trainer from Australia, who has been talking very openly on IG about her journey to be more authentic. And, in doing so, she’s been receiving a range of negative backlash from her online community and from some people in her personal life. She’s also been very open about this negativity and how she’s overcoming it, which is so refreshing. I’m inspired by her authenticity!

As you can see, when you decide to start living more authentically, some may hate on your decision to better know, embrace and be who you are. Even though you’re making these behavioral shifts to live better and to be happier, some may have an adverse reaction to your life changes. The unfortunate part is that this may cause you to question your choice to be more of who you are. 

Why Do People Hate on Our Authenticity?

There are two main reasons why people may have a hard time when you start to be more authentic. 

First, when you start to reveal more of who you are in your interactions, it’ll be a wake-up call for others if they’re not already living this way. They will feel your increased vulnerability and openheartedness, and they’ll be reminded that they want to live more authentically. But, due to fear, they’re holding back. And so, instead of doing the hard work to be more of who they really are, they push down their own desires and your authenticity. Basically, they want you to stop living this way because you’re reminding them that they’re not choosing to make critical life changes.

On a related note, living more authentically will lead you to feel more liberated, to radiate more confidence, and be happier! And while that’s amazing for you, others may be threatened by your radiance and happiness, rather than feel joy for you.  Instead, their envy or resentment may cause them to want to judge you. Or, perhaps even worse, they hold the mistaken belief that by tearing you down, they’ll feel better about their lives and choices they’ve made. But, as I’ve said before, tearing others down will never bring you true happiness.

You Then Feel Racked With Self-Doubt

When you feel like you’re being judged, it’s natural to doubt your decision to take steps to live more authentically. The negative energy you feel may lead you to question whether your new way of life is right for you. You’ll hear the gremlin – the voice in your head that spews negative self-talk – tell you that the haters are right, that you shouldn’t be courageous and bold in putting yourself out there. 

Ultimately, you may even want to go back to your old ways of conforming and masking who you are, because it feels easier. Which is why this is the time to stand in your power!

Shut Out The Noise!

This is a perfect time to reflect on how conforming and masking your true self led you to be miserable, and why your new way of living is critical for your happiness. You want to remind yourself of why you’ve taken the courageous step to be more vulnerable and authentic. You want a more meaningful and fulfilling life, that is filled with personal growth and genuine human connections.  

You get to decide your happiness through the choices you make, and that this choice will serve you well at the end of the day. So, basically, shut out the noise!

The post How to Overcome Negative Backlash When Living Authentically appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

Recently my dear friend Coralie sent out a reflection question on a group chat board that really got me thinking! Essentially, a magazine was polling people about their deeply held beliefs about society that have been shattered due to COVID-19, and she wanted to hear our thoughts. Her question lit up the group chat and got my brain firing!

I asked myself the following question: “What personal beliefs have I previously held that have now been shattered by this COVID experience?”

Wow, did this self-reflection exercise really push me to reflect on some of the beliefs I had about myself and my life before COVID changed my entire way of living. And let me tell you, some of the revelations I had were surprising!

In this video, I share some of my personal beliefs that were shattered due to COVID and the new perspective I’ve gained because of this self-reflection.

Watch now and then try out this exercise yourself!

The post The Personal Beliefs that COVID Shattered for Me appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

In reality, I felt horribly disconnected and lost in my life. My day-to-day life — the work I was doing, my romantic relationships, some of my friendships, my pastimes, how I dressed, how I spoke, what I talked about, how I behaved — no longer felt like it belonged to me. So much felt off.

Looking back, I can see that I was immersed in what I call performing — that is, changing my behavior because I lived in fear of the negative consequences of being my authentic self.

As a Brown woman born in Canada to Punjabi immigrant parents, I’d received confusing messages my whole life about how I needed to show up in order to fit in, succeed, and get ahead — whether it was from my family, my Canadian peers, or from society on a whole. As a result, I had started living as someone I simply wasn’t. Living like this had helped me become outwardly successful, but inside I was exhausted and spiritually vacant.

In my early 30s, I started waking up to the fact that I needed to change my life, but I didn’t know where to begin or what my life could look like. I began an intense period of soul-searching. One of the first major steps I took was to temporarily remove myself from the corporate world by taking a 3-month sabbatical. With the goal of deepening my yoga and mindfulness practice (and, frankly, spending a truckload of time alone!), I headed to my motherland, India, to complete a 2-month yoga teacher training program.

Arriving at the yoga ashram in Kerala, India by myself, the contrast to my life back home was stark — I was immediately stripped of everything that had defined my identity. We were all given the same uniform to wear every day, and what we shared about ourselves after that was up to us. There were no labels or titles. Unlike the corporate world I came from, nobody asked me about where I had gone to school or what I did for a living; they just wanted to know which country I was from. With my outward markers of status packed away (no fancy clothes, no bling!), I was just one of hundreds in the room, wearing the same yellow t-shirt and white pants as everyone else.

For the first time in my life, nobody knew who I was, and nobody had any expectations about how I was going to behave — I was free to be anybody. Faced with this situation I asked myself: who am I going to be? I was so used to carefully and meticulously curating my image that doing so had become my default setting. The question of who to be was complicated for me, and felt really scary, because in truth, I simply didn’t know who I was.

At the ashram, I spent nearly 8 hours a day meditating alongside my fellow yogis, engaged in a range of mindfulness experiences. Forced into an environment of deep self-reflection and vulnerability, I decided to go with it — to be the version of me that was the most raw, open-hearted, loving, kind, and present.

When people asked me about myself, I deliberately talked about my values instead of my education or work background. When people asked me how I was feeling, I openly shared that I was feeling really vulnerable in this experience, rather than automatically pumping out an, “I’m doing amazing!” paired with a performing smile. Most importantly, I emoted freely. This showed up as a combination of sobbing like a baby because of joy, sadness, or fear, laughing my head off, ranting to express my rage, and expressing anything else that I felt.

As someone who had worked very hard to overcome my experiences with childhood bullying and social alienation, I was struck when at the ashram I started making friends quickly — and the people I attracted were genuinely good-hearted and kind people who wanted to connect with the real me. The fact that good people wanted to befriend me in my most raw and vulnerable state validated that I was worthy of love and attention even without the markers of success that I’d relied on for my self-worth.

The warmth, love, and self-acceptance I felt not only helped to draw out core attributes of my Authentic Self, but also affirmed things about me that I now hold to be my self-truths: that I’m a wonderful person at my core, that I’m caring and compassionate, that I’m both fun and funny, and that I can develop loving relationships with a wide range of people. In short, my ashram experience helped to kick-start my journey towards self-love and embracing my Authentic Self.

Arriving back home after this experience, everything around me was the same. I sat at the same desk at the same job, I spent time with the same friends, and the same clothes hung in my closet. But I was different. I now knew that it was going to be ok to change my life — and that I no longer needed the things I’d held onto so tightly out of fear. I could let go.

Of course, things didn’t change overnight. But this glimpse of my true, authentic self, and how it felt to live it out, set the wheels in motion for a sea change in my life. I learned from this experience that sometimes you need to take a big, bold step or take yourself out of your current situation in order to identify the change you need.

I also learned that when you awaken to your authentic self, you won’t want to go back.

The post How Losing My Identity Helped Me Find My Truth appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

One of the most powerful mindfulness lessons I learned during my time at the ashram was this too shall pass. Of course, I’d heard this popular phrase before, but in the context of mindfulness, it took on a new meaning. And now, as we navigate and adjust our lives during the current global health crisis, this phrase has taken on additional significance.

For me, the idea that this too shall pass is all about letting go of attachment to our experiences and living in the present moment — something many of us want to do, but which runs contrary to how most of us are taught to live.

Many of us go through life either living in the past or anticipating the future. We cling to moments of pleasure, hoping it will last forever, and we actively resist suffering, hoping it will end — but neither of these experiences serves us.

In fact, whether we have poured our attention into prolonging the experience of a short-lived pleasure, like getting a promotion, falling in love, or buying a fancy new house, or investing our energy into railing against negative experiences, like falling ill, losing money, or experiencing heartbreak, we allow these experiences to define who we are in some way. We fall into bad habits of thinking, “This is who I am,” or “This is my life,” or even, “I hate this,” or “I’m unlovable.”

In either scenario, we often develop a static picture of what’s happening to us and in doing so, we become stuck and forget that, inevitably, all experiences and emotions eventually pass.

Living in the Present and Anchoring to the Self

Mindfulness is about experiencing non-attachment from all moments — both the bad and the good — by observing what is happening in the present moment with non-judgmental awareness.

When we live mindfully, we are no longer at the mercy of what happens to us. We can have a range of experiences and emotions without getting hung up on them. We let all moments arise and dissipate, like clouds in a blue sky. We acknowledge and express gratitude for positive moments, and we acknowledge and express gratitude for negative moments.

Most importantly, with mindfulness we understand and experience all moments as ephemeral — knowing that this moment too shall pass.

Living mindfully allows us to remain consistently anchored to the self and to our values instead of to our experiences. This means that we can maintain perspective on our experiences of pleasure and of suffering. We still acknowledge and have a range of experiences and emotions, but we don’t anchor ourselves to them.

Instead, our inner selves become the steadfast core around which everything else moves. Picture a solid marble pillar at your core: the good moments and the bad moments swirl around the pillar, but the pillar never moves because it’s solid and unchanging. You may have moments of euphoria and moments of feeling like you can’t get out of bed, but these moments pass. And when they do, you’re still there — still strong and standing in your power.

So how do you find that steadfast core? If you want to feel anchored and connected to your true self, you’ll have to do some deep self-work to get there. You need to understand who you are, what your purpose is, what your values are, and what gives your life its meaning, all of which will help you to develop a strong connection to your inner self.

When we live anchored to ourselves instead of to our experiences, everything improves — our relationships, how we feel about ourselves, and the decisions we make. When we embrace mindfulness, we are better prepared for life’s ups and downs.

Ultimately, in letting go and knowing that this too shall pass, we can experience true freedom.

The post The Most Powerful Lesson I Learned at the Yoga Ashram appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

There’s a lot of talk lately about bias tied to cultural identities like race/ethnoculture and gender identity, but there’s also continued confusion about what bias is, how it works, and where it shows up.

So what is bias?

Simply put, bias refers to the mental shortcuts our brains take in decision-making. These mental shortcuts impact the way we treat others — especially people who our brains have unconsciously decided are not like us because of the way they look, speak, behave, and more.

We are all hardwired to engage in bias, which means that there are three things that happen with bias (and they happen to everyone): we dish it out, we receive it, and we internalize it.

In this video, I take a deep dive into the three things that happen with bias and talk about how our ability to interrupt bias can affect how inclusive, authentic, happy, and even successful we are.

Watch now!

The post The 3 Things That Happen With Bias — And What to Do About Them appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

One particular scene struck me to my core: Alike has just come out to her mom in the midst of a horrible fight, and her mother, disgusted, reacts by viciously attacking her. Alike retreats to her bedroom and falls to the floor, wailing. Her pain is palpable.

This scene was heart wrenching for me to watch. I’ve never been in Alike’s situation, but I know the agony of feeling trapped, particularly by parents who in many moments didn’t seem to understand me. While I knew my parents loved me, I remember as a teenager often feeling suffocated, like I couldn’t breathe, growing up in our strict household — because I couldn’t be myself. As I explain in my book, it’s this struggle that has inspired a lot of the work I do now to help others live authentically.

Later I recalled this scene, and how it brought up strong feelings of relating to Alike’s anguish, to friends, and nearly everyone responded by saying that they can relate to the experience I’m describing. Perhaps it didn’t have to do with conformity being pushed at home, but something in their life’s journey has caused them this much agony. At first, the consistency with which my friends were echoing “yes, I’ve felt that” surprised me, but when I paused to deeply reflect on what I was hearing, I remembered that everyone can understand the experience of pain.

Suffering is Universal

In my work coaching senior leaders in areas like cultural competence and authentic leadership and in my work as a speaker, I’ve increasingly been struck by the patterns in what people share with me. Consistently, leaders and others share with me that behind their brave face, they really feel vulnerable. Many people have shared the reality of their lives with me — their divorce, their own or their teenager’s struggle with addiction, their journey with overcoming a violent upbringing, or their experiences living with depression and anxiety. I’ve heard countless stories.

When I hear these stories, it’s a reminder that each of us is suffering in some way. Suffering is a universal human experience. But so many of us forget this because we don’t often hear about others’ struggles and we don’t often share our own. We do this, of course, because we fear what will happen when we share our pain.

We don’t want others to think we’re imperfect, less worthy, or less legitimate than the image they have of us (an image that sometimes we’ve carefully constructed). But it’s an unbelievable burden to carry, pretending to live a perfect life when we’re not. And a lot of the time, people can tell that we’re not living our best, even when they don’t know what’s wrong.

Share Your Suffering  

What we really need to do is unify around the human experience of suffering, and the best way to do this is by being authentic about our own experiences. Sharing our suffering with others opens the door to receiving the love, support, guidance and safety we need to heal and overcome our circumstances.

On an individual level, when we bottle up our suffering, we feel alone in the world — like we’re the only ones having the experience. But this is an illusion. When we share our pain with others, it’s less alienating. We come to understand that we’re not the only ones, and that we’re not weird. Ultimately, sharing our pain will set us free. But this can be difficult to do, especially when we fear the consequences of doing so.

I suggest starting small. Next time a good friend asks how you’re doing, share not only your triumphs and successes, but also take a deep breath and push yourself to share your more difficult feelings. Share your moments of anxiety, the insecurities you feel in your relationship, your struggles with parenting, your financial issues, or whatever else is a source of pain or discomfort in your life.

Sharing how much I identified with that scene in Pariah is not something would have done a few years ago. It’s taken a lot of work to get to a place where I feel comfortable sharing and being vulnerable. But in sharing, and affirming these feelings with others, I feel much less alone.

What is one area of your life in which you’re suffering or experiencing pain that you will share after today? With whom will you share it? How might sharing your suffering help you?

The post Learning to Share My Suffering Changed My Life appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

When we live by our values, they are the compasses that guide everything we do. They ground our decision-making and root our actions in a purpose greater than ourselves. In short, they give our lives both direction and meaning — which is why having a very clear understanding of what your values are is so important.

Once you have this, you can commit to what I call values-based living — the practice of consistently and consciously looking to your values to guide your behavior. While this is an empowering way to live, it’s no piece of cake, lemme tell you! It takes hard work and effort to make it happen. But it’s worth it. You will be happier and you will live better. And who doesn’t want that?!

So how can you tell if you’re living a values-based life? If you are, you’re likely doing these three things:

1. You know what your values are

When you’re living a values-based life, you have a very good sense of the qualities, beliefs, and standards for behavior that are really, truly important to you—in other words, your values. But many of us are either unclear about what our values are, or the values we think we hold are too broad to rely on as a compass to guide specific behaviors and decisions (for example, “respect”).

If you’re not sure what your values are, or if you think they might not be specific enough, try this exercise.

For one week, take a few moments each day to write down 3 things:

• That made you feel good
• That made you feel bad
• That made you feel useful
• Others did that you admired
• Others did that you disliked

Looking at your answers, notice the themes that come up. What do you want to do/experience more of? Less of? Upon reflection, what specific qualities, beliefs, and standards for behavior are at the root of these themes and desires?

This should give you a starting point for defining your values and understanding how these values show up in individual actions.

2. You look to your values when faced with decisions — big or small

Our values dictate how we speak, what we say, the content we consume, who we befriend, how we make a living, and just about everything else we do. If we live in accordance with our values, we look to them as guideposts when making decisions — small things (like who we follow on social media), big things (like who we choose as our romantic partners), and everything in between (like what jokes we laugh at, what we eat, and who we’re friends with).

When I’m faced with an important decision and feel uncertain about what to do, I do a conscious exercise to help guide me. I ask myself:

• What is important to me?
• What larger purpose do I stand for?
• What is the greater outcome connected to this choice I have to make?
• Is the action I’m about to undertake in alignment with my values?

This type of self-inquiry makes decisions much easier because I know that I only want to act in alignment with my values, and it feels really good to know that how I live is consistent with what I believe in.

3. You regularly affirm and check in with your values

To keep your values top of mind, it’s important to affirm them. I find that integrating moments of affirmation into my day-to-day life helps me to stay connected to my values.

To help me do this, I consciously tune in to my emotions. Moments when I’ve done something that feels really good (like helped a friend or a random stranger) or moments of feeling really shitty (like when I’ve allowed someone to overstep one of my personal boundaries) can be good triggers for checking in.

In these moments, I mentally go over what my values are, and why they are important to me. I also remind myself that living a values-based life has a positive impact on the world, and that, despite how challenging it can be, it’s always worth it to let my values be my guide.

For example, one of my core values is inclusion. My deep desire to help build a world that is inclusive guides everything I do — what I watch, who I befriend, who I work with, what I click on, what I wear, every word I utter, and so much more. This work — helping to interrupt hate and oppression — can be difficult, so it’s important for me to consciously remind myself of the greater purpose that I’m striving for. Feeling connected to this greater purpose makes the individual moments more meaningful, and easier to bear.

When we consciously engage with our values, it’s an incredibly empowering and liberating place to be. There is a lot of power in recognizing that our behavior is a choice. If you aren’t already doing it, I strongly encourage you to consciously try out values-based living for the next few months. A good place to start is right here: define your values, look to them when faced with both big and small decisions, and mentally check in with them every so often. By doing this, you will become happier.

The post Are You Living By Your Values? Here Are 3 Ways to Tell appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.

In The Authenticity Principle, I introduce the concept of the Authentic Self as an expression of your core values, beliefs, needs, desires, thoughts, emotions, and traits. It’s who you would be, and how you would behave, if you didn’t fear the negative consequences of your behavior. When it comes to uncovering your Authentic Self, starting small and focusing on the practical is a good place to begin.

For many of us, the pervasive message to “be yourself” feels elusive — because it’s not grounded in concrete, practical advice. To help demystify it, I developed what I call the Seven Behavioral Dimensions, a range of areas where we can visibly and tangibly showcase our authenticity. Understanding these dimensions, and how you show up in them, can help you to pinpoint aspects of your Authentic Self and give you the power to experience them more often.

The Seven Behavioral Dimensions reflect a range of behaviors in which we make decisions, both consciously and unconsciously, about how to act at any given time. All day long, we’re knowingly and unknowingly making decisions about how to behave in the following areas:

• How we express our emotions: The extent to which we are restrained or expressive in how we express ourselves across a range of emotions, including anger, fear, disgust, happiness, sadness, surprise, contempt, shame, and pride.

• How we communicate non-verbally: How we behave in areas like gesturing, touching, posture, facial expressions, eye contact, and what I call “eye talk” (blinking, squinting, widening, closing, rolling, “smizing,” glaring, etc.).

• The words we use when we speak: Whether we speak formally or informally; what vocabulary we choose (e.g., using simple words as opposed to bigger, fancier, less commonly used words); whether we use slang, swear words, or offensive language.

• How we speak: The pitch, volume, pace, accent, and intonation of our voice.

• Our appearance: How we choose to physically present ourselves, including our clothing, shoes, makeup, hairstyle, weight, cosmetic procedures/plastic surgery, jewelry, piercings, tattoos, accessories, style, brand affiliation, and the colors we wear.

• The content we share: What we put forward about our values, beliefs, thoughts, ideas, opinions, dissenting views, stories, experiences, and cultural differences—which, broadly defined, includes our nationality, race/ethnoculture, religion/faith, gender identity, sexual orientation, age, disability, class/socioeconomic status, and family status.

• Our actions: The countless decisions we make every day about how we act, including the choices we make about how to treat people, whom to speak to, whom to avoid, how we self-promote, whose interests we prioritize, how and whom we defer to, how and whom we dominate, how we listen, what we say yes/no/maybe to, and how and where we draw our boundaries.

The magic happens when you have a very clear understanding of how you most want to behave across these dimensions, because these behaviors reflect your Authentic Self. Exploring how you want to show up in these dimensions, and how great it feels for you, will ultimately yield clues that will help you show up authentically more often and experience that liberating, empowering feeling that comes along with it.

The Exercise

Find a quiet place where you’ll be undisturbed for about an hour, with a notebook and pen (I suggest writing by hand for creative brain work like self-reflection). Set yourself up for success by leaving your phone and any other gadgets in another room — minimizing your distractions will help facilitate a more reflective mindset.

Now take some time to reflect on the following questions, writing down your answers with as much detail as possible.

For each of the Seven Behavioral Dimensions above, answer the following questions:

• If there were no negative consequences for your behavior, how would you behave in this dimension?

• Think back to a time when you felt unable to be authentic in this dimension. What was the situation? How did you behave in this dimension and why?

Next, reflect on your answers:

• Which behavioral dimensions are the most important for you when it comes to authenticity? These are your “must-do” or “must-be” dimensions — you’re unwilling to compromise on who you are in these dimensions.

Self-reflection activities like this one are a clear path to better understanding your Authentic Self, and will help set the stage for making more empowered choices about how to behave. If you want greater clarity, meaning, and purpose in how you live, work, and lead, take the time to better understand what authenticity means for you. It’s worth it.

The post Uncover Your Authentic Self with This Simple Exercise appeared first on Ritu Bhasin.